Ok, more detailed now. I’ll put what I quickie-wrote last night in italics and add the exhaustive tediousness.
Ryan says Gwen Stefani is supplying the song list tonight, which takes away some of my confusion, because I wondered what kind of disaster it would be with only about two contestants having the body and charisma to pull off Gwen Stefani and No Doubt songs. So it’s Gwen Stefani, No Doubt, and bands that inspired them like The Police, The Cure, and Donna Summer (?).
I don’t normally read anything anyone else has written before I write up my bit, but my initial impressions are already out there and aren’t going to change. I thought Gwen Stefani was great. Funny thing is, she dresses and dances like a skank on stage, and if she were an Idol contestant, I would probably have her at the bottom of the list for her skankiness but at the top of the list for her personality. She just seems like a nice person. And on-stage persona notwithstanding, for some reason she comes across to me as a classy broad. I don’t know why. Now since I’ve had my morning Oreos and done my morning reading before writing this, I’ve read what other people had to say. I don’t know why everyone was hating on Gwen last night. I read that she didn’t say anything, or that she had no critiques, or just stood there, blah blah. Y’all do get that they had 10 singers in 67 minutes last night, right? Cut in with your standard 87 minutes of commercials and promos for EVIL AT&T Wireless, and you’re left with about 60 seconds of song, 60 seconds of judging, 30 seconds of Seacrest blather, and 5 seconds of contestant intro. Oh, not to mention that they now have Inane Viewer Email of the Week to answer and Gratuitous Shot of One of the Nigels “Dancing” in the Audience of the Week to show. So maybe y’all should think about it a little, cut sweet skanky Gwen some slack, and realize that the producers gave her the short end of the stick and probably cut out 95% of what she said and just popped in the quick little sit-down interview. She might actually have coached them while they were at the piano, but since she only got her 5 seconds, they just showed the leopard chair part.
Contestants, feel free to email me if I’m wrong. I know you read here, because some of you take my advice. I promise to keep you anonymous so the producers don’t fire you. (sarahk47~at~gmail~dot~com).
Also feel free to email if you know why I got all up on my soapbox (it makes me sound less haughty if I call it a soapbox than if I call it a high horse, right?) to defend Gwen Stefani, who doesn’t need my help and probably couldn’t care less about AI, despite her proclamations of excitement about most of the contestants. And who wore a sweater that had a picture of belt-suspenders on it.
Moving on. Ok, Gwen says it’s not about the voice for her, it’s about the contestants’ personalities and styles. Kind of like with her. “Don’t Speak” is really the only song of hers I’ve ever thought was one I’d like to sing at karaoke.

01 LaKisha is singing “Last Dance” by Donna Summer. Last night I said: Enough with the baby feeders. We get it. They’re gigantic. Do you want us to give them their own zip code or something? Rah rah, you have big boobies. Yay for you. I do applaud that most of the rest of you was covered, and other than that, I liked the outfit. And this was your best performance in weeks. I’m starting to like you again. If you would just do something about your boobs. Today I say: It was a good performance, I like the kimono-dress thingy if you could cover those breasts. Seriously. You’ve not worn one stinking dress that covered those things. Ok, I’ll stop going on about them this morning, but really. Enough. I like the boots, I like that you sang and didn’t just phone it in like you know you’re going to win or something, because you finally realized that there’s this girl named Melinda Doomuch, and she is whipping your pinkytoe every week, owning you up and down the stage. She still did last night, but notsomuch as usual. Good job. RANDY: Yo yo, I want to start the night off by saying “joint”, that was uptempo, true fly diva, that was hot. PAULA: Donna Summer isn’t easy to do, and you did her proud. RANDY: Simon, do you like the boobs? The boots, I mean? SIMON: Love the boots. You’re thirty years younger this week, putting your mark back on the competition, great vocal. SARAHK: Oh, and I like the hair too. And that’s a good color combo for you. Black and red, you should stick with that. It takes a little attention away from… well. You know.
02 Chris Sligh. Last night I said: Sleeping pill. Please throw in at least one vocal backflip in the next performance. I’m giving up on you. I’m glad you got your humor back in the pre-talk, thank you, but what’s with the boring vocals? You can’t phone it in every week, or you won’t last much longer. Today I say: Chris has to answer Inane Viewer Email of the Week. How much down time do you have during the week? What do you do with it? Crocheting, knitting, playing bongos in his boxer shorts. Yay, he jokes again! Ryan is uncomfortable now. No, you’re gay! He’s singing “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic”, one of the worst grammatical songs ever. Ever. Every little thing she does is magic, every thing she DO just turns me on. Sting started thinking he was hip-hop before hip-hop was down wit that or something. Anyway, Gwen says he needs to find the beat of the song, because yo, he keeps losing the rhythm. She’s in the rehearsal looking around for the drummer. Someone save him with the cymbals! She air drums to show him the seriousness of the situation. That’s been his problem a few times. I’m not sure he has internal rhythm. Very nice voice, yes. Internal metronome? I don’t know. Anyway, it’s a snoozer. Right off the bat he’s nasal, which is not a problem he’s had before. I think I’m annoyed with him this morning because he and Phil both sang Police songs, and Phil did a better job, and I’m not a Phil Phan. Ok, so pick a better song and show off next week, ok, Chris? Or you’re going to go soon. You’re becoming forgettable, and I hate that, because you were my early favorite among the guys. You and Blake are disappointing me hugely. RANDY: Your problem was you couldn’t get in the pocket with the band. What do you make of that? Trainwreck. CHRIS: Yeah, you’re right, man, whatever you say, I’m so nice, and the judges are aaaaaalways right forever and ever amen. I picked it a day late, I’ve never sung this song before, and it was like a master’s class in music for me. SARAHK: Not a hard song to find the rhythm to. I know you’re a religious boy… are you from the church of Christ like me? Or Baptist? We’re both notorious for our lack of rhythm. Wow, y’all should totally see my Tivo’d freeze frame of Paula’s collagen. It’s really puffy. Sorry for the delay, phone call. PAULA: Yeah, stay in the pocket, feel the beat, yeah! SIMON: It was a mess. It didn’t feel right. (Cut off by the music.) I haven’t finished yet. Not the Oscars. RYAN: I’m not pressing the buttons. Not yet. SARAHK: Oh Ryan. Not ever. CHRIS: It was my bad. I was so off. I’m the nicest guy ever, because I made a Teletubbies crack to Simon, and I got scared. SARAHK: Yes, I should be nice too. But then I’d stop snarking, and how would you kids know how to improve yourselves?
03 The Glock is singing “I’ll Stand By You” by The Pretenders. Last night I said: Wow, THE GLOCK. She was outstanding, I was so proud of her (ok, honestly I hated the dress, the boots were a’ight, but I LOVED the performance). Idols 03. Vote it! Vote for THE GLOCK! Mwah. I was so happy when I heard your song choice. Perfect song for you, very well sung, heartfelt and emotional. You win tonight. But no more painted on bronze dresses, please. I heart you, but I could have plucked you off the stage and used you to decorate one of my plant ledges with the metallics you were painted into tonight. I hate to even go negative at all on you because I loved your performance so much, and it was your best so far, but I can’t not talk about that dress. Say, next week how about “Hello” or “My Immortal” by Evanescence? But I’m not sure you can hit those high notes, so either stay away from those songs, or lower them a couple of clicks. Today I say: Ryan says Gina is a bit of a wreck. Shut yo’ mouth! Anyway, he’s talking about her being all girly and crying and stuff. She’s so emotional, because Gwen’s a hero of hers or something. Gwen says if Gina sings it with the emotion in her voice and the control that she’s using, she’ll do great. Or something. It’s all chopped up, thanks, producers. Gina cries like the whole rehearsal and hugging Ms. Stefani. Anyway, the performance: I love what she did with the song. She still isn’t “pronunciating” that well, but she’s getting better. And Cullen, she is always grateful when she gets cheers, is always grateful when the judges praise her, is a good-mannered girl who always says thank you. She enunciates the thank yous always, because I always see that blasted tongue-bolt on the thank yous. Yo, dawg, that rocked. She did have one mic issue where she pulled away and forgot that the mic was on the stand, and she can’t do that unless she’s going to sing louder, so she needs to watch that, but really, I’m nitpicking, because mwah mwah mwah, I applauded on the couch again this morning. Yay! I’m gonna watch again after the judging. Major standing O from the crowd. RANDY: I love the boots! SARAHK: Let’s just come out with the boot fetish, will we, Randy? RANDY: One of your best performances ever. Perfect song for you. Choose wise songs. (Wise songs?) Oh. Wide songs. (Wide songs?) PAULA: You’re improving every week and coming into your own, it really was the best performance so far. SIMON: Gina, it wasn’t one of your best performances… dramatic pause… it was your best performance. The transformation from three or four weeks ago to tonight was chalk and cheese. Best performance so far tonight, that’s how good it was. SARAHK: Chalk yucky. Yes, I know this. Cheese yummy. Yes, I know this too. Most especially shredded parmesan. RYAN: I didn’t realize chalk went with cheese. SARAHK: It doesn’t, dufus. They’re like, different. Get it? One isn’t good to eat? One is? He’s not pushing the buttons yet, kids. REWATCH: Mwah.
Frank can no longer hear the song “Downtown” since seeing a clip of Ginger Spice’s video (was it her or a different skank?) on The Soup. It’s ruined for him. I never had love for it anyway.
04 Sanjaya. Last night I said: Oh my. As I was typing this, Sanjaya walked out with his faux-hawk, as Paula just called it. I hate to say this: it was his best performance even though he forgot the words and had that hair thing going on. Whatever. Stick around. You’re growing on us, and you know we’re making fun of you. Now you’re just there for the laughs, and you know it, and you know we know it, and you know we know you know it. And even Seacrest and the judges are openly joking about it on-air, so as long as no one is pretending that you’re there because you’re the next Aretha or Whitney or Celine, whatever. I don’t care anymore. Today I say: Sanjaya is singing “Bath Water” by No Doubt, and Gwen is being nice. She worries because he was forgetting words and because it’s a hard song, “but he chose it, so…” And the funniest thing about him is that now he is making the hair his focal point. He’s trying to be this little virgin rocker boy with hair. RANDY: I’m speechless every time. You’re interesting. The hair is interesting. You know, you can actually sing, if you would just put it all out there. Come on, man. SARAHK: In other words, you know America has made you into a punching bag, and Randy wants you to stop playing along and fight back. He thinks you can beat back all of America. Oh Randy. Come on, dawg. PAULA: If you had the gumption, if you had the ability to just totally go for it, it would fit the wackiness of the faux-hawk, and we’re just sitting here going, come onnnnn. SARAHK: Paula’s reverting to the days where she just regurgitated what Randy said. No, Paula, no! Don’t fall back into your old patterns! How hard is it? You’re up there already. SIMON: I presume there was no mirror in your dressing room tonight. SANJAYA: You’re just jealous you couldn’t pull it off. SIMON: You’re right. Look, I don’t think it matters what we say anymore. So if people out there like you, then good luck! RYAN: If you’re voting for Sanjaya… for… several reasons, then here’s his number. SARAHK: Several reasons being the following: a) Howard Stern told you to. b) VFTW told you to, and really, do keep him around, because I will be crushed if he leaves and Haley becomes their next candidate. c) You’re a tweeny who really thinks he’s hot because you have never seen Frank J. Fleming, Michael Vartan, Tom Welling, Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp, Matthew Fox, Nathan Fillion, or Adam Rodriguez, and that’s just off the top of my head, I could go on. d) Idol has been unimaginably boring this season, and you want him around for kicks. Frank said had he been voting tonight, he would have voted for Sanjaya.
05 Haley. Last night I said: Wow, Haley isn’t wearing sleeveless and didn’t show her armpits. I almost am tempted to vote for her. Would never do, no, but I’m so thankful about the armpits. And later in the rundown I said: I have nothing to say. Today I say: You know me, I always have something to say. Gwen says she liked what haley was doing with “True Colors” (Cindy Lauper, others), until she started going all wacky and doing her own thang. Gwen’s like what are you doing to that song? Tell me about it, that’s what we say every week. Gwen wants her to tone it down. When Haley starts singing, I think she’s wearing an actual pink wig a la Cindy Lauper (who actually had pink hair), but when she stands up from her beloved stage-edge sitting position, I see it’s just the lighting. About the sitting. She has to get up sometime, and thank goodness the camera wasn’t right on her, because she is in a hoo-hah dress tonight. I am so thankful about the armpits not showing, though. But really, the singing? The song is so unrecognizable. I hear the original melody only on the words “True Colors”. Oh, and she lost her pitch a lot, especially when she was sitting. Probably because she was nervous about how she was going to carefully stand up in that hoo-hah dress. Anyway, yeah, not much to say. It wasn’t even the same song. RANDY: Not jumping up and down. (And now Haley’s obnoxious family are cheering over Randy’s judging.) PAULA: It wasn’t young…er. It’s like Gwen said, it has a good melody. Pretty girl. SIMON: How do you think you did. HALEY: I think I did well. SIMON: Sweet but forgettable. Too safe. Thousands of girls all over the country can do that. SARAHK: Thank you for not flashing me your armpits. I do appreciate it. Thank you.
I’m having seizures. I blame the Sanjaya-Haley one-two punch.
WH Phil. Last night I said: Thanks for pinning your ears down. Made you more watchable. Oh, come on, I’m not the only one thinking it, just the only one saying it. Y’all would be thanking me for wearing support hose and girdles if I were up there. Except for a few screechy notes, you were quite good until the end, and then you got all freaky weird when you did your own thang, dawg. That’s when it became a gigantic mess, and my face scrunched up in horror. Until then, I had you above LaKisha. I was going to give your number out and everything.
Whoa, pause. More important things. I just read Frank’s latest IMW, and it’s very funny, and I finally took a look at all the pork in the war surrender bill that Congress tried to pass, the one that Bush vetoed because of all the pork and surrendering. I feel an angry SarahK rant coming on. Let’s surrender, oh, and by the way, we can plant $40 million in trees, including Christmas trees, but it’s not ever okay to say the word Christmas in our schools or public facilities or outside of our very private houses. And don’t offend anyone by saying Merry Christmas ever! But we can put $40 million worth of Christmas in our surrender bill. Blasted politicians.
Ok, back to Idol, I’ll rant later. Things to do today.
Back to Phil. Today I say: Yes, he’s singing “Every Breath You Take”, which is about a guy who will never ever leave a girl in peace, even though she’s kicked him to the curb. He’s probably going to chop her up into little pieces and scatter her across the Nevada desert, and we’ll see it in reruns of the first season of CSI. That’s what Frank and I have been watching on our lunches. But anyway, Phil, Inane Viewer Email, how does it feel to go from nobody to household name in a matter of weeks? Oh, he doesn’t notice it, but people send him magazine clippings, but they’re so busy you know. But it’s cool. Thanks for asking! Gwen is pleasantly surprised that Phil is doing a good job with the Next Episode of Cold Case song, and she thinks he should not do any extra melody stuff. Just stick to the song, Phil. Ack! Phil is even doing creepy stalker eyes at the camera, like he’s really going to chop her up. Yeah, you didn’t even stick around for the birth, so how do I half believe you and half not believe you? But he does sound good until “baby baby please”, and on the “please”, it turns into a disaster until the end. Until then, it was really good if I didn’t look at the screen. RANDY: Yo, I actually liked that, dawg. You sang a couple of runs at the end that kinda made it nice. SARAHK: Those runs at the end ruined the song. Until the end, it was really good. PAULA: The verses are kinda safe. You should put character there. Later, rinse, repeat Randy, put more collagen in lips. SIMON: This might surprise you, but I actually liked this. It’s the only time in the last few weeks when I actually felt like you were trying to do well in this competition. SARAHK: When you put your own spin on stuff, you terrorize it. Just stick to the original, do a copy cat, sing the heck out of it, and you might actually grow on me. Your voice is actually good. Oh, and yes, thanks for covering the ears and the head. And your wife, she’s really got a sweet smile. I said something New Testamenty here and then erased it. It was really nice about her, but people wouldn’t have understood and would have just kind scratched their heads and thought I was being ugly to you. Anyway, be nice to her, she truly loves you, I can see it in her eyes. She adores you.
07 Melinda is singing “Heaven Knows” by Donna Summer. Last night I said: Don’t listen to Simon. The outfit was fine. I love that you dress modestly and don’t feel the need to let it all hang out, unlike Baby-Feeder LaKisha. Today I say: Do all Donna Summer songs sound the same? I mean the instrumental parts. To me, they all sound very Xanadu. I wonder why I never noticed that before. I expect Olivia Newton-John to pop out in gold lame with poofy blonde hair and start singing in roller skates at any moment when I hear the opening notes of these songs. Do I even make sense? Anyway, Melinda is excellent, par for the course. She roller-skates all over the stage. Her hair is Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama. I like the knee-dress fine. Could do without the leggings underneath (girls: leggings are not back. I detest them. I lived through them the first time, and I refuse them this time. Put them back in the ’80s and ’90s where they go.). She’s got incredibly uncomfortable toe-shoes on tonight. At the end she looks surprised but not shocked. Getting better. Not losing the humility, but she knows that she needs to move on from shocked. She reads. 🙂 Good girl. Mwah. RANDY: The reason I call you the pro is because you live the words, you don’t just sing them! That was the bomb again! PAULA: You’re fun and joyful! (She wants to cry, but all the moisture is in her lips tonight.) SIMON: I don’t think it’ll be the performance we all look back on as the best. Vocally you were again outstanding. Hate the outfit. SARAHK: Wear dark red, black, purple, he’ll love you. Try crepe as a fabric maybe. Crepe loves curvy bodies. I know because I own a curvy body. Oh, and I do not mean “fat” when I say “curvy”, so don’t even think I’m calling you fat. You look good. RYAN: You always look so surprised when you’re up on the stage after the song. But it’s becoming habit now, right? You sing, they say good things… SARAHK: In other words, Ryan watches The Soup… I do love that they’re finally pointing these things out to the contestants (to their faces) that the blogs and snark/chat shows are saying (we would say it to their faces, too, but we don’t get face time). They’re pointing out all the awkward elephants in the room, and giving Ryan the dirty jobs most of the time. I LOVE it. RYAN: Melinda, embrace it. (She hugs herself, Simon looks away, because he thinks it’s obscene to hug yourself onstage. She doesn’t know what to do now, because she’s already hugging herself, so as time wears on, she just owns the hug less and less… but she smiles and stuff.)
08 Blake is singing “Love Song” by The Cure. Last night I said: What were the judges on about with that boring performance? Even Sanjaya was more enjoyable. Could y’all hear me yawning on the left coast? Today I say: Gwen says it’s pretty, and he needs to be careful about when he beatboxes, because that can distract from the melody. Or detract, whatever. Now that I think about it, I don’t remember any beatboxing. I do love his voice, it’s beautiful, and among the males, he has the most beatiful voice. It’s pure, clear, has a lovely tone. But he is just not doing it for me. The song tonight was flawless as far as vocals, but such a lullaby. I mean, let’s be next door neighbors, and when I have babies, I’ll send them to you at bedtime, and you can sing them to sleep, ok? But before I start voting for you again, you have to start doing something again. Everything is so slow and deliberate, like you’re carefully planning everything. When I’m listening, I feel like I’m listening to you walk a tightrope, and you’re just singing so carefully with that balancing stick in your hands, so planned, so safe, so… I’m just waaaaiting for something to happen. Get to the other side. Fall off into the safety net (notice I don’t want him to splatter on the ground). Something. Ok, enough with the bad metaphors, I apologize. You may slap my hand with rulers now. Anyway, there was no beatboxing, and had there been, I would have disliked it even more, because it was so slooooooooow, and beatboxing and slooooooow don’t really do it for me. RANDY: I’m not sure it was my perfect song choice for you, but you made the most of it, you made it tender. I wasn’t jumping up and down but I liked it. PAULA: I loved what you did with that song. You’re taking risks, and you’re the dark horse. I’d love to see you in the finale. SARAHK: Don’t listen to Paula. Whatever it is you’re doing with the songs, do something else. Remember that Keane song you did? That was a chest-clutcher. Please, I want some more. SIMON: Definitely the strongest guy in the competition, but you have to be careful, because you’re in this Chris Daughtry zone where you’re doing you’re own thing, and it’s a bit boring. PAULA: No. No. No. SARAHK: Listen to Simon. Listen to me. Get exciting. RYAN: Wow, the F-word from Paula! Finale! What do you think about that? Don’t say it. PAULA: As Gwen would say… (Blake sings two words of “Don’t Speak”.) RYAN: Don’t sing that, or we’ll have to pay for it. SARAHK: Don’t worry, you’ll be at commercial soon, and I think you get thirty seconds in Fair Use, so I think you’re ok. RYAN: I’m gonna hear from Fox on that. SARAHK: Because you know, he’s pushing the buttons. (Blake looks scared, like he got Ryan in trouble.)
09 Jordin is singing “Hey Baby” by No Doubt. Last night I said: Nice picnic basket you were wearing, Raggedy Ann. Also vocally the worst performance out of her in weeks. If Disney’s what you do best, just do Disney. How about “Part of Your World”? You haven’t done that one yet. I’m kidding, don’t do it. People will laugh at you, and that’s one of my all-time favorite Disney songs. You can never live up to the original, or to my singing-in-the-car version. I rock at that song, baby. Today I say: Gwen says she was shocked that Jordin was going to do it. That Jordin made it sound so much more musical than she thought it was. ? If she can just get her groove on or something. Jordin is dressed, as previously said, like Raggedy Ann. I actually think this is her worst performance ever. I hate the giant hoop earrings, too. I do like the grey boots, though. And that they match her Raggedy skirt exactly. That is all the nice I can say about this. It had tuning problems, the look was awful… I mean, she tried, and she flounced around the stage and tried to own it, but it’s just horrible song choice for her. Or for AI. Period. Blech. Stick around, but pick a better song next week. I’ve decided I like her, but she slipped. Sorry, one more thing… No pleated skirts. Girls like us, with lots of butt… no pleated skirts. RANDY: It’s hard to do a stylized song, but you could sing anything, you’d be a great recording artist, and that was great. PAULA: You’re adorable, you’re hip, you’re young. Just celebrate it. SIMON: You’re the most improved contestant in the last few weeks. You’re much younger. Only problem with that song was that it was a bit copy-cattish. JORDIN: I wanted to do something a bit fun and different, though. SIMON: And you did. SARAHK: And I do appreciate that, but it was the wrong song.
10 Chris Richardson is singing “Don’t Speak”. Last night I said: Chris Richardson was totally knocking my socks off until he forgot a couple of words near the end. Mouth agape and everything, chest clutcher until then. Chris, please remember, though: the microphone stays at your mouth. If your body bobs up and down, the arm with the mic moves in motion with your head. If you’re using a mic stand, you must bob only the body, keep the mouth stationary, or no bobbing. You have quite enough vibrato without leaving out entire notes due to mic loss. Today I say: Gwen says she’s seen him on the show and noticed he likes to do the vocal Olympics, and she doesn’t think the song really needs it (if it did, she probably would have sung it that way to begin with), so she hopes he just throws it in a little. Ok, he’s singing now, and I have a problem with him wearing white button down shirts. I’m ok with the plaid ties. They’re cute. But the white shirts make him look a little squatty or something. He should try black or brown. And other than the mic issue and the word forgetting, I cannot complain. Yummy vocals. Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. RANDY: Yo, so check it out, that was very interesting, I like your R&B ska flavor. Don’t be afraid of yourself. Just believe in yourself, baby. PAULA: You’re good, Chris, you’re good. You’re just good. Also good? Vodka. And opaque cups that don’t show that it’s not really Coca-Cola in my cup. You’re good. You’re just goooood. SIMON: I think your song choice got you in trouble last week, and this was a much better choice of song. I didn’t quite like the arrangement. It wasn’t the best vocal. You struggled, and I think you have to pay a lot better attention on your vocal right now. RYAN: Let me make you uncomfortable and cause tension backstage, because we have to make this season exciting somehow. How did it make you feel when they said Blake is the frontrunner of the guys? CHRIS: Ryan, you’re a buttface. I mean, if Blake’s the frontrunner, that’s cool. I mean, we’re good friends. RYAN: But you’d like to win. CHRIS: No, I’d like to punch you. Yes, I’d like to win. SARAHK: Punch him anyway. It’ll make The Soup! In the “Chicks, Man” segment. Because of Ryan, not you, Chris.
The rundown again:
03 The Glock.
10 Chris Richardson.
07 Melinda.
01 Lakisha.
WH Phil.
02 Chris Sligh.
09 Jordin
04 Sanjaya.
08 Blake
05 Haley
Prediction: Bottom 3… Haley, Phil, Chris Sligh. I was torn between Jordin and Phil being bottom three, but Jordin is so likeable. Going home… I think it’s finally Haley’s turn.