Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to planning 9/11. I guess we can finally put that ugly episode behind us.
That’s great timing for the Democrats, because they were really afraid that terrorism would still be an issue in 2008. Anytime Americans are concerned about serious issues, it’s bad news for Democrats in the polls. Where Democrats excel is piddling crap issues, and now it’s time to promote those to the front for their presidential run.
POSSIBLE BIG ISSUES FOR DEMOCRATS IN 2008
* Potholes: While spending all its time and money on terrorism, our roads have been neglected. Isn’t a bumpy ride the real terrorism? Democrats vow to fill potholes with whatever it is is supposed to go in them. Possibly tar.
* Teenagers: While fighting foreign enemies, the domestic one, adolescents, have gotten even bolder. They are now hanging out in front of an increasing number of businesses and wearing increasingly dumber looking clothing. Democrats vow to ask them to hang out somewhere else, and they won’t easily take “No” for an answer.
* Cold Hands: To fight cold hands, Democrats vow to fund mitten awareness. They think this problem can be eliminated by 2015.
* Lost: The American people have lost faith in the show Lost, and polls show that the majority now believe that a satisfying conclusion to the show is impossible. Democrats vow to get the cast of Lost off the island and to put a new reality show about singing and dancing in the time slot.
* Global Warming: It’s getting warmer, and it’s time to do something about that before… uh… it gets warmer than we’d like. The American people can rest assured that Democrat leaders are sitting in their 80,000 room homes with all the lights on (to scare away ghosts) thinking of solutions and buying carbon offsets to help save the world.
* Barking Dogs: While stuck in an illegal war, dogs have continued to bark, their pleas going unheard. Democrats vow to find whatever it is that the dogs are barking about and appease them.
What problems do you have that you want Democrats to campaign against?
Er, if Democrats could really do something about these issues, especially barking dogs and Lost, I might actually vote for them.
Don’t forget the important things in life.
Terrorism, shmerrorism.
Wouldn’t global warming solve the cold hands problem?
Think about it!
I think they should represent the little guy that has to work in an office building with no Foosball privileges. Don’t all Americans have a right to play Foosball at work during working hours?
That’s it! The Dems can ensure that all workplaces have Foosball tables and bosses must comply with the new EFOA (Equal Foosbal Opportunity Act) allowing employees (at least the salaried ones) to play at will without foosual harrasment.
VOTE FOR FOOSBALL AT WORK! VOTE DEMOCRAT!
What will the Democrats do about the socks that keep disappearing from my dryer?
Long lines at the grocery store! This must be stopped, and the demoncrats are the ones to stop it!!
and whats with new athletic shoes having laces that are 1/4 of a mile long? Proper lacing of shoes should definately should be on the agenda.
The DemoCRAPs should make it a policy to provide for those who lack the ambition to get up and work for a living. They could provide them with Food Stamps to buy groceries, or trade for drugs, give them money to pay rent if they must move out of their parents homes, and give them discounted public transportation.
Wait, they have tried that, and still are trying…
Maybe they should try something completely different-you know, something with a chance of working.
Bratty kids. – Oh, wait! Democrats make THOSE by telling us we can’t discipline them. Never mind.
Capital One commercials.
They’re always asking, “What’s In Your Wallet?”, but we all know they stole that from the Democrat party slogan department. It’s supposed to go, “DNC: What’s In Your Wallet? Gimme!”
Maybe , since the Democrats are so worried about the sea levels rising because of global warming, they could start a fund to buy sponges to throw into the worlds oceans.
I’d like more access to Dean Cain, please. I realize he votes Republican, but that’s all the more reason for the demoncraps to toss him out to the mercies of crazed fans like me.
The Bible. You know that pesky book that’s always in the top drawer of the Super 8? I’m always moving it out of the way to make room for my pistols. I’m sure the Democrats could have those replaced with the Koran–I mean terrorist stay in hotels too right? They have to plot our deaths somewhere and how would we feel to know they had to spend a night in the same room with our dirty old Bibles.
Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.
I would like the Dems to solve the problem of Dems holding political office. I’m not saying they have to kill themselves as the honorable thing to do for committing treason, but that would have the added benefit of reducing their carbon footprint.
Dems need to take on the MASSIVE equality problem in this country. Even lower middle-class, pudgy 42 year-old men deserve to have rich, nymphomaniac supermodels knocking on their door….
OK, they can take care of that rich, nymphomaniac supermodel problem first….
Yeah, supermodels!
I’d like the Democrats to stop me from getting to be old, grey, and fat, and also to stop my hair from falling out. That should have a lower priority than the supermodels, though, particularly if fifty-four-year-old men will be included among the beneficiaries
They can return my right to have somebody clean my house and do my laundry that I lost when I turned 18.
That still rankles. Won’t someone please think of the slobs?
What about paper cuts? Do you realize just how many of those I get each year.
Chapped hands from all this cold weather brought on by global warming
You think barking dogs are bad, what about yappy dogs (those little four legged ankle biters – not be be confused with the whinny two legged ankle biters that it takes a Village to raise) and howling cats?
I think the Democrat party need to address the danger to millions of pieces of home furnishings from millions of kitty paws. State-sponsored front-declawing!
Global Farting. You know, all that methane produced by every human on earth having fladulence on a constant basis rises and wipes out the ozone. Even worse is oral fladulence…every word that comes out of the mouth of a liberal. If all the liberals would just keep their mouths shut, the planet would be clean in no time!
Hippies and the French. The dems need to begin a campaign to buy every hippie and frenchman a bar of soap, and include an instruction manual on it’s use.
Emmisiions testing. You know how much time in our valuable lines is lost to annual emmisiions testing? Not to think of all the gas milage lost by the restrictions emmissions equipment put on your engines. Besides, with all the hybreds the lefties drive around, this should offset the smog deficite of me taking off all the smog junk on my pickup truck. That way, my pickup truck would have the extra power needed to drive over and crush hippiemobiles, eliminating all the smog created by them.
Speaking of which, they need to do something about all the cruddy hippie VW busses. They all have “Save the Earth” stickers all over them, but they smoke worse (in more ways than one) than any other vehicle on the road. Hippies spend their money on pot and bean sprouts instead of keeping their cars tuned. If they care so much about the enviornment, crush all the VW busses and give all the hippies bicycles.
Amazingly enough, teen pregnancies and teens having sex in general have been going down since the Clinton years. In fact, the majority of out- of-wedlock births are being had by women in their 30’s.
Now, I’m all for teens not having children, but these single moms in their 30’s have got to go. They’ve got to go down to the bar and be able to knock back nine or ten, and display that morally casual attitude that keeps guys like me alive. If their clock is ticking, let ’em go digital.
Dems – can you deliver on that?
Could they please change the spelling of all English words to be phonetic. Get rid of all the silent letters and letters like ph instead of f in phonetic.
Wouldn’t it be a better world if the Dems enacted these changes?
If they enacted number 3, my Tall, Skinny, High-Metabolism having ass would be doing murders. Fat people just need to learn to keep their fat disgusting pie chutes shut, or stop complaining about being overweight heifers. I won’t be punished because 2-ton Tina can’t keep the Twinkies out of her Cellulite cushioned Maw.