Archive of entries posted on June 2007

IAEA Head: Shooting His Rabid Dog Would Be “Madness”

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VIENNA (AP) — The head of the International Atomic Energy Agency cautioned on Thursday that shooting his rabid pet dog, Mahmoud, over his refusal to stop biting his leg would be “an act of madness,” in indirect warnings to animal control agents.
IAEA chief Mohamed ElBaradei also said Mahmoud would likely soon begin chewing close to his femoral artery – the puncturing of which medical experts described as the point of no return in the start of ElBaradei’s bleeding to death.

“I only want this leg for peaceful purposes.”

However, the head of the IAEA was reluctant to dismiss hopes of a diplomatic solution.
ElBaradei spoke during an emergency meeting of concerned paramedics and local animal shelter workers a gathering that focused on Mahmoud’s refusal to heed ElBaradei’s demands that Mahmoud should freeze activities that could serve to transmit the rabies virus or possibly cause the IAEA chief to exsanguinate.
Earlier, Mahmoud’s savage snarls asserted that he would never suspend the enthusiastic gnawing of El Baradei’s extremities — the key issue of paramedic concern, while animal control insisted Mahmoud had no choice but to do so, in comments reflecting the increasingly tense stalemate over the issue.
Even while calling for a negotiated solution, animal control workers — which Mahmoud had snapped at several times between bites of his ElBaradei’s calf — have refused to dismiss outright the possibility that they might “just shoot the damn dog” if he refused to back down on limb-shredding and other areas of concern.
But ElBaradei described any use of force as “an act of madness … (that) would not resolve the issue.”
“The next few minutes will be crucial to these negotiations,” he said, adding: “although Mahmoud appears to be insane and quite eager to take my life, I believe that we should also consider the possibility that this is merely a peaceful display of affection.”
ElBaradei then passed out in a pool of his own blood, while Mahmoud lunged for his jugular. Digusted animal control workers quickly blew Mahmoud’s head off, putting an end to the crisis.
Animal rights organizations were quick to condemn the action, suggesting that a UN resolution declaring Mahmoud a “bad dog” would have been just as effective.

I Have an Idea…

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Since Mexico is kinda like a third world country and seem to believe in crazy things like the chupacabra — an alien being that sucks the blood out of goats — maybe we can spread rumors to scare people from sneaking into America illegally. And we’ll have to get the rumors out there while they’re still in their home country, because once they get here they’ll see our TV they’ll become too smart to believe silly things.
Let’s start the rumor of the chupamexicano — the Mexican sucker. It live in America and sucks the blood of illegal Mexicans, and it especially likes the blood if there is alcohol in it.

MEXICAN 1: “I’m going to sneak into America and steal their jobs.”
MEXICAN 2: “No, Pedro! Haven’t you heard of the chupamexicano? It will find you and suck your blood, and the only thing that it’s scared of is legal documentation.”
MEXICAN 1: “Well, I don’t want my blood sucked. I guess I shall stay here in Mexico and help reform it from the corrupt cesspool it currently is.”

That was just an example conversation that could be a result of this propaganda effort; Mexican 1’s name could be “Jose” instead of “Pedro.”

Humor and Politicians

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Have you seen the Hillary Clinton Sopranos spoof? Now I enjoy hating Hillary Clinton as much as the next conservative, but there was some effective use of humor in a political campaign. Subconsciously, we set the humor bar very low for politicians, because we’re used to them being too cramped in by their talking points to be capable of much humor (“America’s health care crisis is no laughing matter.”). Thus, we’ll reward them with laughter for merely venturing out of their comfort zone to make a joke.
With Hillary, you have someone considered cold and impersonal to a large segment of the population, so she particularly has a lot to gain through using humor. With this video, she slightly makes fun of herself (which is good for someone with her image) and makes her seem like a regular person (the wooden line reading actually helps with that; she just seems like a regular person having fun with a joke). Also, it’s actually “edgy,” parodying a popular subject that hasn’t already been satirized to death (of course, the joke will be lost on the few people who aren’t aware of the Sopranos controversy, but that’s always the trade off with that sort of humor). Because it’s so surprising, it’s getting wide airplay and free publicity. I really don’t see a downside to it. I’ve seen some conservatives over-analyzing it and wondering if it’s proper for her to associate herself with the mob or a TV show with such adult content, but no one other than someone who already really hates Clinton is going to pick it to death like that. To the average person, its just going to be funny and, through using a reference they know, make them subconsciously feel more connected to Hillary Clinton. It’s a big win for her and I would hope whoever thought of doing this gets a big raise.
For politicians, there’s a lot of be gained by just a little bit of humor, which is why I’m surprised we don’t see more serious attempts at it. This is why I should be a political consultant for the Republican Party focusing on humor. After the 2006 elections and the recent immigration bill fiasco, they’re seen as completely disconnected from their base. They should try some humor for an attempt at outreach. Maybe, with a bit of effort, they can have a video go viral. It’s not going to magically make Republicans cool again, but it will help.
I could go on about this sort of thing forever — the advantages, disadvantages, possible pitfalls, etc. of humor (and why, as cool as it would be, I don’t think Fred Thompson should publicly acknowledge the Fred Thompson Facts) — but the point is that humor is an important branch of cognitive science that could be of great use for humanizing politicians and getting issues focused on if used correctly. Sometime I think I’m the only one who takes humor seriously.

New Michelle

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Michelle Malkin debuts her new site design. I guess its moving towards more of a Hot Air type design. Hot Air is perhaps my favorite blog in layout, but for some reason this new design looks too busy. I guess the pictures Hot Air puts with the headlines helps a lot.
Maybe I should redesign IMAO, like maybe paint flames on the side so it loads faster…

At Some Point, You Just Might as Well Sleep in on a Sunday

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With there now being an Episcopalian priest who is also a Muslim (as predicted by Scrappleface) after they already made someone openly gay a Bishop, one has to ask what exactly what would Episcopalian bishops find as a disqualifying factor to be in their clergy? Would they make unapologetic murders and rapists priests? Blasphemers of the Holy Spirit? Do they have a screening process for being a priest, or is there just a card anyone who visits an Episcopal church can fill out and be made a priest (plus be entered in a drawing to be a bishop)?
I’m just asking because I don’t know.

The Last Hope for Hilarity

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Ron Paul contemplates the advantages and disadvantages of eating your face.

There’s the long discredited theory of spontaneous generation — that a pile of garbage actually creates flies — but I’m tempted to revisit it in the case of posts about Ron Paul (see here and here). With how Ron Paul posts causes crazed comments to appear from no traceable source proclaiming that Ron Paul is the “last hope for America,” the simplest theory is that Ron Paul posts spontaneously generate crazy people.
Another possibility is that Ron Paul supporters spend all day scanning all blogs looking for a chance to spew their thoughts of Ron Paul greatness that builds up inside them until they feel like they’re about to burst. This is not to say they think of nothing but Ron Paul; by their comments they also care about how the government caused 9/11 (though I thought Ron Paul said we made the terrorists attack us… which doesn’t make any sense if we attacked ourselves) and the problem of the Jews and minorities.
The last most disturbing explanation of how apoplectic Ron Paul supporters seem to appear out of nowhere is that they are amongst us as we speak. Right next to you could be a Ron Paul supporter just waiting to be awoken like a sleeper agent. If this is true, your best bet is to try and lure them out. Every so often say, “Ron Paul is a nutter,” and, if anyone around you says anything other than “Yes” or “Who’s Ron Paul?”, kill him and burn his body.
I’ll end this dire warning with a fun exercise. Let’s all try to come up with effusive praise of Ron Paul that matches statements of him being the last hope for America. Here’s my attempt:
“Ron Paul is the only man who can get the international hot dog eating title back from the foreigners.”
Try your own in the comments.

Save Our Endangered Terrorists!
An Editorial By Harvey

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Recently, the Humane Society of the United States protested the 21st Annual Star Island Yacht Club Shark Tournament. The HSUS – a fanatical animal rights organization – was incensed that sharks – which have declined in population by over 80% in the last 50 years – were being festively slaughtered for sport.
Their point being, I suppose, that it’s unconscionable to kill vicious, flesh-eating predators if you have fun while doing it.
I have a hard time disagreeing. I mean, why would you NOT want more bloodthirsty, savage, aquatic killing-machines patrolling our coastal waters? Would YOU want to live in a world where it’s perfectly safe to swim, surf, and scuba dive near the shorelines of a heavily populated area? I know I wouldn’t! If nothing else, it helps keep the riff-raff & trailer trash off the beaches. I get enough of those visual atrocities at Wal-Mart, thank you very much!
Yet it seems to me that the HSUS is being elitist, if not downright speciesist, when it comes to choosing which spillers of innocent blood they fight to protect. It’s common knowledge that the most dangerous predator on Earth is MAN. Specifically Chuck Norris and Fred Thompson, but other humans have been known to pose a threat on occasion, too.

“if HSUS can fight for the rights of an animal that smells like a Red Lobster dumpster in August, why can’t it fight for an animal that likes to blow up women and children?”

Lately, the biggest non-Chuck-non-Fred threat to human life has been Islamic terrorists. Why isn’t the HSUS doing something to protect them? Not a day goes by that the headlines don’t splash the horrific death toll of our precious dwindling terrorist resources. Granted, five or ten splattered Hadjis may not sound like a big loss, but that constant trickle of corpses adds up. Coddling Allah’s Islamic Radicals (CAIR) estimates that over 100,000 terrorists have been lost since 9/11, and their remaining numbers keep spiraling downward.
I find this repugnant.
A species is a species and endangered is endangered. Sure, terrorists lack the grandeur of the elephant or the cuddly, photogenic appeal of a Panda bear. And yes, they smell bad, oppress women, and plot the global genocide of all non-Muslims. Hey, they can’t ALL be baby Harp Seals! But if HSUS can fight for the rights of an animal that smells like a Red Lobster dumpster in August, why can’t it fight for an animal that likes to blow up women and children? At least it’s a MAMMAL for cryin’ out loud!
The fact is, if we don’t stop the insane slaughter of our dangerously fanatical – yet charmingly quirky – Muslim brethren, soon there won’t be a single terrorist left alive on earth! I can’t imagine the shame of trying to explain to my grandchildren that – because I did nothing – he can only see filthy, butchering Jihadists in picture books or Guantanamo.
Well, if HSUS is going to drop the ball on this one, I certainly won’t! It’s time to get organized! Call your congressman! Call the President! Speak out in whatever forum is available to you! Worst case, start one of web-blob thingies! If you’re a hot chick, post naked pictures of yourself on your MySpace page in protest. Or just send them directly to me. Whichever. It doesn’t matter, as long as you make your voice heard!
If we don’t do something now, there will soon come a day when crazed Islamofascists are just a faded memory, never again to grace our planet with their murderous majesty.
And I can’t think of anything more tragic.
Can you?
Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Red Lobster: Genocidal Hate Criminals” and “Nude Photography for Righteously Indignant Hot Chicks”.