“We knew the destruction of those interrogation tapes was going to be a big deal,” White House Press Secretary Dana Perino told the press, “but luckily we found a new copy so we’ll just show you what’s on it so your imaginations will stop running wild.”
On screen behind her was scene of a Muslim man looking panicked as unseen people prepped him.
“So, yes,” Perino said, “what you are seeing here is the interrogators connecting a car battery to the subject’s gonads. That seems pretty bad, but, come on, he’s a terrorist! Who really cares what we do to him?”
On screen, the terrorist started screaming. After a couple minutes, one reporter asked, “Since this is supposed to be an interrogation, shouldn’t he be asked questions at some point?”
Perino was silent for a moment. Finally, she shrugged. “Okay, you got us. It wasn’t an interrogation. We just thought shocking a terrorists gonads would make an entertaining video for the CIA Christmas party. Still, are you going to feel sympathy for him? He’s a terrorist!”
They watched as the terrorist on screen kept shaking and screaming. Eventually, a reporter asked, “Don’t you mean ‘holiday’ party.”
“Yes, sorry, it’s for the CIA holiday party.”
On screen, they watched as for another minute straight the terrorist kept screaming. “So… how long does this go on?”
“A while,” Perino said, “The battery is a Die Hard.”