Is it true that scientists aren’t sure whether apes can swim? What the hell do we pay scientists for? With all the other useless crap they know, you think they’d have an answer on the simple question of whether a orangutan can swim. If a chimpanzee is chasing after me to eat my face (not as a remote possibility as we like to think), we need to know whether we can escape the chimp by swimming across a river. This is basic survival stuff. Drop your gravitons and Higgs boson particles and get on this, scientists.
However, they probably have done studies on how apes would interract at gay bars.
So…can we not just toss one in a swimming pool?
I have a good experiment for scientists. With Carrie Prejean and Perez Hilton on opposite sides of a room, put an orangutan in the middle with a loaded gun and see which one it shoots.
Yeah, we could throw one in a pool. But you don’t get multimillion dollar research grants for doing things the smart way.
But if some scientist comes out and says that apes can’t swim, yet tells us we should still believe in macro-evolution, I’m gonna smack him in the head with a canoe paddle.
[Huh? -Ed.]
We pay them to develop a “concensus” on global warming, to be imposed as reality on the rest of the populace.
I’m more interested in whether or not apes can ice skate.
If they can skate, then it’s not a stretch to think they could be taught to play Hockey.
Can you imagine the increased attendance at games if there was a chance of a bench clearing brawl involving Gorillas with sticks? Or is that ‘racist’?
The real question is whether a chimpanzee who is trying to eat your face can swim after it’s been filled with holes. If anybody has some spare chimpanzees lying around, I have a Smith & Wesson hole-maker and a pond and I’ll get started on gathering some data.
Tossing one in a swimming pool will only prove that that one can or can’t swim. Better to toss them all in and be done with it!
Can’t argue with Ed Flinn’s methodology. None of this extrapolation crap. Throw all the apes in and we’ll have irrefutable proof.
But if the chimpanzee ate your face and your not supposed to go in the water after you eat. How will we collect the data. I guuess we will need an additional government grant to determine that.
As the leading proponent for increasing our defense budget to better prepare for the coming onslaught from the simian race, I propose that IMAO, the International Monkey Assassination Organization, lead the charge in developing a plan to determine whether the Chimps can be stopped by bodies of water or not. Are they afraid of water? Will going about our daily lives armed with a water spray bottle help ensure the safety of my loved ones? These are questions the scientific community should, nay, MUST answer for us!!
As a precaution, I shall not go anywhere without a good length of hose with which to connect to a spigot should the need arise to create puddles.
Hmmm, I smell an Onion story…
Pfft. Frank, do you work for free? Didn’t think so. If I wanted you to come tell me personally whether orangutans could swim (or whether the Higgs boson exists), I’d have to pay you plenty, right? Cash up front?
Send us $1 mil in small bills and you’ll have your direct, personal answer. Or you can have it neatly indexed on Twitter or Google, so everyone in the ADD generation can find it sure nuff.
Or quit whining and go find out yourself. You’ve got guns, right? So it’s not very dangerous, probably.
It’s been studied. I read this in a scientific journal or something.
Hypothesis: Apes Cannot Swim
Materials Needed: One ape, one lake, fork lift
Procedure: Step 1) Pick up ape using fork lift
Step 2) Carry ape to edge of lake. Make sure to get as close as you can to a spot at least 10 feet deep.
Step 3) Drop ape into the lake.
Step 4) Record Results
Conclusion: Although we were prepared to take accurate recordings of results of the project, the sight of the ape flailing around in the water was too much. All 17 scientists observing were laughing histerically (3 even passed out). Therefore, none of us was able to record accurate results. Procedure must be repeated.
>>> [Huh? -Ed.]
Dear Inquisitive Ed,
Just stirring controversy. Well, that, and I just really feel like hitting somebody with a canoe paddle. I can’t be the only one who feels that way from time to time.
Are they afraid of water?
Well, personal observation as well as empirical Smell-o-Vision have already proven that hippies are indeed afraid of soap and water. So it would posit that poo-flinging simians, a direct evolutionary predecessor of hippies once removed, are also afraid of water.
Therefore, can we conclude that if we throw water on Nancy Pee-lousy (™Some Brilliant IMAOer), that she will melt before our very eyes?
Dang, does this mean that all it will take to get rid of Liberals is mere water? A container of H2O? Think of the possibilities (wo)men! Forget oil, lets drill for more water!
Who gives a crap if they can swim or not? All you need to know is how to shoot them. Same with everything else in this world.
Of course “they can swim” we have seen doctored pictures of that one at the beach.
Humans are, according to biological taxonomy, apes (family hominidae). Humans can swim. Therefore, apes can swim.
[We’re “Great” apes, though I prefer hominidae, thank you very much. -Ed.]
At Silicon Valley Jim,
I don’t think it works that way. Marine and Land Galapagos Iguana’s are the SAME SPECIES and show swimming differences, so clearly two separate species of the same family should be able to exhibit different swimming abilities. I’m with Ed Flinn on this one, throw one in a pool. In all likelihood though, it’s probably like swimming is for people, dependent on learning.
I have a friend who lives in S Africa. Namibia. Apes can swim in his pool for sure.
Gaps in science, inquiring minds want to know: Are slugs really snails that got so snockered that they forgot where they parked their shells? Is a mynah bird the opposite of a mayjah bird? Shouldn’t carpenter ants learn building codes in order to be called carpenter ants? Why does the bottle-nose dolphin always have that smirk on it’s face, it’s like they’re The Joker of the animal kingdom. Anyway, I should think some of the Porkulus Money should be funneled IMAO way to study important matters like these.
Back at the turn of the 20th century the scientists at the Carneige Museum had the wrong head on the wrong Dinosaur for forty years.
I don’t know, seems to me we haven’t advanced much.
Ayers taught Obama lots of things, but he never taught him how to swim. Ba dump psh.
What, no?
My theory is that scientists haven’t discovered the Higgs boson because the apes are hoarding them from us. So, what we need to do, is stick a couple of apes in a particle accelerator, spin them close to the speed of light, and have them collide. Then we’ll get all the Higgs bosons we want.
And even if I’m wrong, at least we get to smash apes together close to the speed of light. That’s gotta be something awesome to see.
Monkeys are afraid of water, so they smell bad. Hippies smell bad. Does this mean we should punch monkeys? Punching monkeys could lead to face eating, so maybe that is a bad idea.
Monkeys are like people. If they have not been taught, they are likely to sink. The hypothesis that they have no body fat so they can’t float is weak. The best swimmers in the world have almost no body fat, and they do just fine.
The real question…. Can you swim better than a monkey and are there big hungry crocodiles in the water?
Carrie Prejean deserves to have her crown. She is beauiful and is also entitled to her own opinion about gays. `