Saudi Arabia has released a travel guide for its citizens so to avoid culture clashes with tips like don’t sexually harass women and don’t invite children to your house over the internet. Here are further tips:
Saudis trying to blend in with the crowd.
TIPS FOR SAUDI ARABIANS TRAVELING ABROAD
* If possible, try not to look like the villain from a Disney movie.
* People are often aware there are Jews around them, so there is no reason to point at each one and scream, “Joooooo!”
* No one is impressed by a Fat Albert impression anymore.
* Remember: What might be considered normal conversation back in Saudi Arabia could be taken as the speech of a deranged serial killer abroad.
* The big bowls of water in the restrooms are not for drinking.
* iPhones are not magical totems worth killing for and can in fact be purchased at many stores.
* The common way of getting the attention of women in Saudi Arabia is called “flashing” in other countries and is discouraged.
* When visiting another person’s home, it is impolite to eat his cat.
* The high-pitched sound coming out of women’s mouths is called “speaking,” and this is allowed in many countries.
* Claims of vast magical powers are more likely to get derision than fear.
* Not every time you eat pie is it a contest as to who finishes first.
* Chasing squirrels while shouting “Infidel!” usually gains awkward stares despite it being great exercise.
* Even if you’ve grown tired of one of your children, don’t smother him in public.
* No matter how impressed you are by the shiny buildings, don’t try climbing them.
* In general, try not to be so creepy.
“Jews own the media, so turn your television to face the wall and unplug it. Otherwise the mind-control rays will turn your wives against you.”
-ls
Don’t complaun about the high cost of gas.
Don’t place an order to uour waiter by threatenong his life and the lives of his family, freinds, and pets.
Don’t expect us to bow in your presence, only Teh One does that.
Actually most of these tips could apply to just about any resident of any Muslim country who is traveling abroad to a non-Muslim country.
Further important rules for Saudis traveling abroad:
1. The words, “Would you like fries with that, sir?” do not constitute
a sexual advance, nor do they confer the right to put your penis into
any orifice. And yes, that includes the ears.
2. Just because that twelve-year-old girl is smiling at you does not
mean she is a MILF who wants to bear your children. MILFs are generally
over 30.
3. Setting fire to synagogues while shouting “Jihad! Burn the
infidels!” is generally frowned upon almost everywhere, and spitting on
anyone is generally considered an inappropriate display of animus.
4. You cannot beat toll-both workers for not wearing a hijab on their
heads. Yes, they are women, and yes, their foreheads are seductive.
But no hijabs. And no, you cannot choke them either.
5. Beating anyone or anything with your shoes is not a sign of contempt
and disgust. Generally, it’s a good way to garner a laugh. Ask Eddie
Murphy.
6. Go ahead and shake it. We don’t use that to wipe. Wait, come to
think of it, don’t shake it. Thanks.
“That’s a Great Dane. You do not ride it, cook it, or eat it.”
“Just because the Kennedys are called the royal family of America by the media, it doesn’t mean they can have people killed like your royal family. (Anymore)”
-ls
Don’t.
I recall reading that Oprah has become a big hit in Saudi Arabia presumably among women. Theres got to be a comedy gold mine in that.
Conversations like “Abdul, after you honor-killed your little sister by beheading her as she walked out of a dance club, How did your inner Abdul child feel?”
Take a shower every day.
Use deodorant.
Wash your hands before making love to a woman.
Clip your finger nails before touching a woman.
Do not belch after completing a meal at a southern lady’s home to show your approval.
Leave the cats and dogs alone when visiting Americans.
Leave their teenage daughters alone.
Leave their teenage boys alone.
Hopping up and down while firing an ak47 in crowded streets is not an acceptable greeting.
Beheading a waitress for poor service is considered bad form in most countries.
Goats are considered livestock in many nations and won’t be found listed in escort service directories.
Make sure to stare at the sun wherever you travel.
When you buy your share of Obama try to include the Washington Redskins in the deal.
They’re not staring because they’re intrigued by your fabulous native garb, they’re staring because you look like an idiot.
Since in many countries the term “Allah Ahkbar” is often followed by an explosion, alternative phrases such as “How ’bout that Allah” or “My main man Allah” are recommended.
If you must blow yourself up, stand next to a hippie.
We don’t care what your name is and we probably couldn’t pronounce it anyway. So, while in our country you will always be referred to as Achmed. Deal with it.
use soap when you take that daily shower, and no, more cologne is not an authorized substitute.
wash yer damn clothes while you’re at it, and no man dresses.
use the f’ing toilet paper. we invented it for a reason. you use the hand towels and the maids will make your life a living hell. use them in someone’s house and you’ll be in hell, most ricky tick. imagine your shame as you enter into hell and have to tell allah that a woman killed you for defiling her home.
yes, you’re the 32nd cousin of some vaguely important minor member of the Royal Family back there in Shitholeistan, but this is the US, and no one here gives a rats ass. be prepared to hear previously unknown phrases like, “i don;t give a damn who your daddy is”, “Get off my property/out of my store.” “Go f yourself” or the always popular “you’re startin’ to piss me off boy.” and yes, we mean all of them. they maybe followed with more invective, the like of which you have never experienced, an old school asswhupping, or having a very large gun being stuffed in your face (discharge of said gun is optional). we don’t give a damn who you think you are, but we can damn tell who you really are by your actions, and we will react accordingly. the state department may suck up, but the average red state American takes shit from no one.
when you walk down the street, hallway, etc, stay to the right side. you drift into my lane because you want your half out of the middle you’re gonna get run over, and then we’re back to the whole “no one gives a damn who you are” thing, because, frankly, i don’tand i’ll be happy to tell you so.
the same thing goes for when you are driving, which, by the way, most of you suck at. yeah, i’m likely not driving as fancy car as you, but that’s because 1. i w*rk for my money, and i’m picky on what i spend it on. 2. the value of your car doesn’t make you any more special than the rest of us, and, best of all, i actually *know* how to drive, and i’ll smoke you all the way down the line. who do you think invented car races, chumps?
lastly, if you insist on being a pigheaded asshat despite these warnings, a good number of us will get you to, without your knowledge, commit haraam acts, and not tell you about it until long after the fact…. wait until you find out that the delicious chicken dish you ate time and time again was pulled pork. y’all come back now, ya here?
like Johnny told the devil “i done told you once you sonofabitch, i’m the best there’s ever been.”
Your years of practice bringing the heat for homo stoning is probably only good for baseball here but you still throw like girls so don’t even try out…
“The high-pitched sound coming out of women’s mouths is called “speaking,” and this is allowed in many countries.”
…unforunately
I meant “…unfortunately”
dammit
It is customary to “tip” everyone you meet with an inch-thick stack of one hundred dollar bills. Trust me.
A maternity hospital is not where your future wives are born. At least not this week.