Random Thoughts: Batman Justice

In real life, if a man dressed as a bat ran around punching criminals really hard, how many people would he accidentally kill?

“It’s against my principles to ever kill anyone. I just punch people really hard in the head and hope for the best.” -Batman

Obama hasn’t dealt with worse opposition than any other president; he’s just whined about it a lot more.

I don’t even like politics. It’s just hard to write hack clapper humor about the weather.

What is it about Sesame Street’s Abby Cadabby that makes me instantly hate everything about her? She’s like a muppet Kristen Stewart.

5-Hour Energy, I’m not sure a really old guy in a cowboy getup is someone who makes me think of “energy”.

Obama should be worried about Romney since Romney is a felon with nothing to lose.

Where is the Intrade betting for how many people Romney will shiv in prison?

Condolence cards would be a lot more effective if people put money in them like with birthday cards. “Sorry your dad died. Here’s twenty bucks.”

I’m thinking of now referring to myself as a “provocateur” since I like to poke the neighbor’s dog with a stick.

So, as I understand things, 1999-2002 were the evil years of Bain and that’s why Romney denies he was in charge then?

Pitch for wacky comedy: Barack Obama as the CEO of a corporation.

Obama is saying that Romney is shifting blame onto others, doesn’t care about the deficit, and is named Obama. ‪#projection

Romney should have learned from Obama: Never ever do anything; it only causes you to have a record to be attacked on.

People only ask for photo ids so they can see your race in your photo and be racist against you.

BREAKING: Obama refuses to apologize to Romney, though he will bow to him.

If either Romney or Obama really need to change the subject quickly one day, just come out as gay.

To connect with voters, Romney should drive around in a pickup truck. But so it’s not pandering too much, the truck should be solid gold.

When did the PC become the redheaded stepchild of videogame consoles?

You say “Bless you!” when someone sneezes, but what do you say when someone coughs? I go with “Quiet, you.”

Pixar Doesn’t Have Enough CGI to Make Obama Speak These Words


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #)

From the description:

What happens when a Republican Congressman tells Conservative Activists that fighting for the Constitution is a losing battle? Watch the fireworks as Unite In Action’s Director of Legal Affairs KrisAnne Hall and 912 Project National Co-Chair, Unite In Action President, Stephani Scruggs respond.

I’m a hard-bitten political cynic and I was eye-damp by the time this video finished.

Screw people who say America is doomed. Not while these women, and people like them, still draw breath.

Would You Be Willing to Convert to This Religion?

Screw atheism. I’m in:

Air Conditioning should be a Religion. A violent one, if its existence becomes threatened. We all worship at its altar anyway; we moan with breathless thrill upon entering any room to escape the soul-sucking heat. “Ahhhhhh…” we intone, like monks in an ecstatic trance. And we are saved.

The tenets of our faith are found in the longer working hours and productivity that Air Conditioning provides. Capitalism is our outreach ministry. Come to AC all you who are sweaty and would find dry, cool pillows on which to rest, and AC will give you sleep. Blessed, restful sleep without the sheets sticking to you.

More at Primordial Slack [High Praise!]

Bumper Sticker Liberalism

Mark Goldblatt has a new book, Bumper Sticker Liberalism: Peeling Back the Idiocies of the Political Left, in which he dissects liberalism as represented by common bumper stickers slogans such as “All Republicans May Not Be Racist, But If You Are a Racist, You Are Probably a Republican,” “Global Warming Is Real, Deal with It,” and “Bush Lied; People Died.” I got a galley copy a while ago and it’s a really cutting take down of liberalism. I even tried to blurb the book, but I don’t think my blurb got used because who is Frank J. Fleming and why do we care what he thinks about books. Still, if you want a fun summer read, give this a try.

Fun Facts About the 50 States: Georgia

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it’s time to realize too late that the fuzzy thing you’re eating isn’t a peach, it’s just been in the fridge too long as we visit Georgia, so let’s get started…


Georgia state flag
Between 2001 and 2003, the state flag of Georgia was changed 3 times before settling on this. The latest version consists of a white background with black lettering that says “YOUR DESIGN HERE: $50”
  • Georgia became the 4th state on January 2nd, 1788, and its citizens commemorate this day each year by shooting British people with muskets.
  • Contrary to popular myth, not everyone who lives in Georgia is a redneck. There’s plenty of toothless, moonshine-swilling hillbillies, too.
  • Coca-Cola was invented in Columbus, Georgia, in 1885, and first sold to the public in Atlanta in 1886. The original formula has changed since then, and the drink no longer contains actual cocaine or the blood of virgins.
  • “Georgia” is a Cherokee Indian word meaning, “Are those rednecks or hillbillies?”
  • Despite the way natives pronounce the state’s name, “Jawjah” is NOT spelled with a “W.”
  • Unlike the word “dawg.”
  • Since it almost never snows in Georgia, children there spend winters having cotton ball fights.
  • While having a cotton ball fight, it’s considered cheating to stuff a peach pit in the cotton.
  • In Georgia, everything is made out of cotton. Except the peaches, which are made out of okra.
  • Atlanta, Georgia, has the worst traffic of any city in the U.S., since every street in the city is named “Peachtree Road.”
  • The last time it snowed in Georgia, the confused natives thought it was ash from the Yankees burning Atlanta again.
  • The state motto of Georgia is “Wisdom, Justice, Moderation,” which replaced the old motto of “Whiskey, Hookers, NASCAR.”
  • In Georgia, every soft drink is referred to as “Coke.” Except for Pepsi, which is referred to as “Damn Yankee Poison.”
  • After Jimmy Carter left the presidency in 1981, he returned to his home town of Plains, Georgia, and went on a bloody shooting rampage.
  • Wait… I meant to type “worked for Habitat for Humanity.” Stupid autocorrect.
  • The only way to get to Florida from Georgia is by sea, since the Georgia-Florida border is heavily defended by landmines and alligators.
  • The Georgia Music Hall of Fame in Macon, Georgia, celebrates the careers of all the talented musicians who were born in Georgia, and is currently empty.
  • They WERE going to put in a Ray Charles exhibit, but they figured there was no point, since he wouldn’t see it anyway.
  • Saint Marys, Georgia, is the second-oldest city in the US, and will soon be moving to Florida to retire.
  • If it can make it past the landmines and alligators, that is.
  • The state fish of Georgia is the largemouth bass, which shouldn’t be confused with the much more common loudmouth drunk.
  • The name of Georgia’s largest swamp, the Okefenokee, comes from a Shawnee Indian word meaning “I’d rather live in a swamp than eat okra.”
  • Georgia was originally populated by settlers from England and drunk people from Alabama who couldn’t find their way home.
  • The Governor’s mansion in Georgia is the only quadruple-wide trailer in America.
  • Some people are offended by the fact that three Confederate leaders are carved into the side of Georgia’s Stone Mountain. Other people figure it’s ok, since the back ends of the horses point north.
  • In Georgia, it’s considered ungentlemanly to stare at a woman’s breasts while talking to her.
  • Unless she’s REALLY hot.
  • In the year 2227, Dr. Leonard McCoy will be born in Atlanta, Georgia and will go on to become Chief Medical Officer of the USS Enterprise. If you already knew this, then you’re a pathetic nerd who will never kiss a girl.
  • The most common cause of death in Georgia is getting murdered in a fight over the proper way to pronounce the word “pecan.”
  • Georgia is the state most likely to be invaded by Jane Fonda and have its peanut oil stolen to power her tour bus.
  • The official state prepared food of Georgia is grits, which consists of coarsely ground bits of corn and shouldn’t be confused with hog slop, which is made from coarsely ground bits of corn.
  • Although Georgia is already America’s #1 grower of peanuts, farmers there are working to develop a “super-peanut” which will be twice as large and shoot laser beams out of its eyes.
  • They hope to use it to stop Jane Fonda.

That wraps up the Georgia edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be slipping into a grass skirt for our trip to Hawaii.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go murder someone who said “PEE-can”


[The complete e-book version of “Fun Facts About the 50 States” is now available at Amazon.com. If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]

Washington College Students Rally to Protect Cows From Global Warming

SEATTLE (AP) – A newly released report showing that higher temperatures cause cows to give less milk is uniting climate and animal rights activists to take immediate action to counteract the negative effects of bovine heat stress.

“Stop giving my cow PBR!”

“Cows are happy in parts of Northern California and not in Florida. That’s a good way to sum up the findings of my new research,” said University of Washington economist Rainbow Moonglow Rabinowitz. “A hot cow is a cranky cow, and a cranky cow gives less milk. So, in addition to fighting climate change, we must all struggle together to make our Bovine-American friends happier. If we fail, we risk facing a tragic “Cows With Guns” scenario.

Professional animal rights activist Sunshine Daffodil Wyzowski explained how she developed her so-far resoundingly successful methods of cow-cheering.

“We start with the assumption that cows are highly intelligent creatures,” said Wyzowski, “much like progressive college students. Therefore it’s only logical to conclude that the same things will make them happy. You know, like chanting, bongos, songs by Animal Collective (on vinyl of course), PBR, and ironic hats. If we provide our Bovine-American friends with these things in sufficient quantities, it’s only logical to conclude that we will be able to counteract the effects of climate change, which is man-made and George Bush’s fault.”

Local dairy-owner Billy Bob Jones, whose farm was the center of a recent cow-cheering event, reported mixed results.

“Well, as anyone with a lick of sense knows, cows are pretty dumb,” said Jones. “Kinda like progressive college students. And they’re easily scared by loud noises. Last week, a bunch of them overprivilged, under-brained UW snots come trompin’ onto my land, chanting, beatin’ on drums, and playin’ the gadawfulest records you’d ever heard in your life. Rattled my poor cows pretty bad. They haven’t given a drop of milk since.”

During the interview, Sunshine Wyzowski’s crew paid a surprise return visit to the farm, causing Jones to abruptly run off yelling “get that damn fedora offa my Bessie!”

A subsequent attempt to contact Jones to finish the interview was unsuccessful, ending with shotgun-waving and a request for this reporter to “get the hell of my land, hippie!”

IMAO Ace Reporter drowningpuppies [High Praise!] contributed to this story, and is currently in the hospital having buckshot tweezed out of his tuckus. Get well soon, DP!

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UPDATE: Linked by PBS