Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “Nancy Pelosi discovered a way to make millions…“.
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
Here’s a neat charity. It’s from SF publisher Baen, and they’re picking units who are deployed overseas and raising money to meet all their needs. And if you donate enough money, they will kill you. Well, you’ll be redshirtted in a future Baen novel (friends of IMAO authors Michael Z. Williamson and Sarah Hoyt have already agreed to participate, and they hope to get more authors on board). So think of making a donation, and if you know of any unit deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan that will be there at least six more months and could use some supplies, pass that unit on to them.
I’m not superstitious, but millions of other people are, to one degree or another. On the off chance that one of those millions isn’t too petrified to go on the internet, I offer the following to help sweep away the gloomy clouds of supernatural fear by shining the light of knowledge against their primitive mindless terror with these
FUN FACTS ABOUT FRIDAY THE 13TH
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1) The superstition of Friday the 13th being a day of bad luck was created by Henry Sutherland Edwards on Friday, November 13th, 1868, while playing craps, after having lost his life savings on an all-or-nothing bet by rolling a 13. He died later that day of food poisoning after eating a bad Spicy Craft-Beer Cheeseburger at T.G.I. Friday’s.
2) Due to the year having a number of days not divisible by 7, plus the occasional leap year, the number of Friday the 13ths will vary between 1 and 3 each year. Biblical prophecy, however, clearly states that one year will have a 4th Friday the 13th, during which SyFy will run a Firefly Season 2 marathon.
3) The scientific term for fear of Friday the 13th is “paraskevidekatriaphobia”, which is derived from a collection of Greek words that translate literally as “superstitious pansy”.
4) In America, Friday the 13th is traditionally celebrated by donning sports equipment and chasing teenagers through a campground with a machete.
5) If your birthday is on the 13th, then Friday the 13th is actually a lucky day for you. Expect a shiny new iPad. Everyone else – have an Etch A Sketch.
6) The official flower of Friday the 13th is whichever one you’re allergic to.
7) Famous movie director Alfred Hitchcock was born on Friday the 13th, 1899. The first draft of the script for his classic film “Psycho” was originally a much tamer story, where Janet Leigh was horrified to discover that there was no mint on her pillow.
8) Cuban dictator Fidel Castro was born on Friday the 13th, 1926. Oddly, the day of his birth is officially considered a lucky day by Cuban citizens. The day of his death – even more so.
9) Stockbroker and author Thomas W. Lawson, in his 1907 novel “Friday the Thirteenth,” wrote of a stockbroker’s attempts to take down Wall Street. Bizarrely, without the use of bongos.
10) The Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, NC, estimates that airlines lose $900 million due to people’s fear of flying on Friday the 13th, which is about the same as the amount lost due to fear of overly-intimate TSA patdowns on any other day.
11) The British Medical Journal did a study that shows that car accidents occur more often on Friday the 13th, although some people claim it’s merely coincidental, since Friday the 13th is also “Drive on the Wrong Side of the Road Day” in England. Wacky Limeys!
12) Scientists predict that the Earth will be destroyed on Friday, April 13th, 2029 from an impact by the asteroid 99942 Apiophis. On the bright side, you won’t have to worry about paying your taxes for 2028.
13) Legendary rapper Tupac Shakur was shot and killed in Las Vegas on Friday, September 13th, 1996. His last words were “don’t point that gun at me, you superstitious pansy!”
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Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go set up the DVR for the Firefly Season 2 marathon.
This tweet from the DNC is a little hard to believe:
“Everything bad that’s ever happened under [Romney]…he blames on other people, and that just isn’t very Presidential.”
That has to be a joke, right? No one could lack that much self-awareness and function in society.
The Urban Dictionary website defines “Harry Reid” as: “A sexual position where you climb on top and then do absolutely nothing.”
Next year, expect it to change to: “being on the bottom and moaning a lot”.
It’s been neat this week looking back at the past ten years of IMAO. It’s a lot of posts, and it was cool to see some Harvey found of mine that could have been written by someone else for all I remember of them. But this all really makes me wish I had more time for blogging to do some new more elaborate posts. I’ve had to give up blogging time for other writing projects as I’m trying to make my name as a columnist and I’m still working on my long time goal of being a novelist (back in 2005 I wrote a story, “Superego”, piece by piece on my blog and I’ve since rewritten it from scratch into a full novel; SarahK is helping me edit it and I’m about 60,000 words into another novel I’m working on). But there is certain kinds of funny that can only be done as blog posts and it needs to be done. In the very least, I need to make time for some more Frank the Artist (old archive here, new archive here), as that was some pretty funny stuff. And I wish I had time for more podcasts; I loved working on those with SarahK who is probably the most talented comedic actor of the group. We’ve been talking about doing our own RiffTrax of a movie for some time; maybe one day we’ll get time.
Well, who knows what the future will hold for me and for the blog IMAO. Well, on September 4th HarperCollins will be publishing my next book
In it, I will give my solutions to all of America’s problems. Interestingly, Obama isn’t mentioned once (other than the title of my previous book) because it’s a forward looking book about American greatness, so he didn’t really fit in it.
Anyway, I want to thank all my readers old and new for coming here and giving me your time. This blog has already given me so much, and I hope to continue to keep an entertaining stop for you all far into the future. And maybe make it a source for rebel news when the apes or the robots take over.
So what’s the big problem with the Obama presidency? Well, Obama has put his finger on it: bad storytelling. Obama has realized the reason his first term hasn’t gone so well is that he didn’t “tell a story” of why he’s awesome despite the sucky economy. I don’t know how those stories would go.
“Once upon a time there were three little pigs. One built his house out of straw. Another built one out of twigs. And the other built a house out of bricks. And then the big bad wolf came and taxed them all for not having health insurance.”
“Snow White was known as the fairest woman throughout the realm, so she was immediately made president despite having no experience, and everyone lived happily ever after.”
“While Sleeping Beauty lay on the couch, the valiant Prince Obama delivered foodstamps to her.”
“Hansel and Gretel then found a house made of candy. Inside was Michelle Obama, who beat them up for wanting candy.”
“Little Red Riding Hood skipped through the forest toward Grandma’s house, but when she arrived, she found her Grandma gone, because the death panels had determined she was too costly.”
“And Rumpelstiltskin made a deal with her: She could keep her child if she could guess Obama’s middle name. And when she did, she was hauled off for being racist.”
“And Cinderella had to flee the ball before her golden carriage turned back into massive amounts of debt.”
During a speech before the NAACP, Mitt Romney was booed for vowing to repeal Obamacare.
On the bright side, though, no one yelled “you lie!”
It was easy to figure out the problem was he needed to refresh his browser when I debugged with the assumption that all my code was perfect.
I’m glad men don’t get pregnant because we have so much more important stuff to do.
You can win a chance to meet Romney and his VP but I don’t know who is VP is and what if I hate him and it’s awkward?
Whoever the VP pick is, he should start doing events for Romney now but while wearing a mask and using a voice distorter.
I hope Romney’s VP pick isn’t Joe Paterno because he’s a bad one for at least two different reasons.
Romney ran the Olympics and Bain AT THE SAME TIME while at night he was Batman.
If you don’t trust Drudge then you make a black and white website that would look unstylish in the 90s that gets a billion visits a day.
Year by year, some of the great posts in IMAO history:
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2002 – 6 suggestions for executing Osama bin Laden. Surprisingly, none of them include dumping his rotting corpse into the ocean.
2003 – Know Thy Enemy: Liberals – Still relevant today. Oddly, even that line about Gitmo.
2004 – The first editorial ever posted to the internet: “We Should Target More Civilians”
2005 – Aquaman joins IMAO – “Don’t Tap on the Glass”
2006 – Scary Evil Monkey!
2007 – I think this was where I first started getting the hang of Newsish Fakery posts: “America’s 2007 Corn Crop a ‘Failure’, Top Democrats Tell Bush”
2008 – This one’s dedicated to all the “professional comedy writers” who still to this very day in 2012 claim that it’s impossible to find anything funny to write about Obama.
2009 – Anyone remember the Climategate email scandal?
2010 – Some of Mr. Right’s best Photoshoppery, right here: Classic Halloween Horror Shows
2011 – How to insult a Muslim.
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Gotta say I really hated doing these posts, since I kept losing focus and drifting through the archives like Tom Hanks on a raft in the Pacific.
WILSON!
PS: The entire “Frank the Artist” category. Those stick figure drawings just make me giggle like a lunatic.
1) A slogan: “Romney: The Cure For B.O.”
2) A warning label for the President:
3) On the post-Obama economy:
Ernie Loco [High Praise!] commented:
“If I heard of a movie where the plot was some guy was going to hold a ‘contest’ to get chicks to send him photos of themselves so he could pick the hottest one to marry, I’d roundly criticize Hollywood for coming up with such a stupid, unbelievable premise.”
Like that’s ever stopped Hollywood.
So, who do you like for the following roles?:
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* Sarahk
and the judges:
* Frank J., genius extraordinaire and creator of IMAO
* Doug the T-Shirt Guy, capitalistic owner of ThoseShirts.com
* Emperor Misha I, ruler of the blog The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
* Harvey, author of the blog Bad Money and winner of the contest that never happened and will not be mentioned again
* Bill Whittle, brilliant essayist and guy in flight suit from Eject! Eject! Eject!
* Blackfive, victim of the French’s greatest military victory ever (he got a reprimand for insulting a French General)
* John Hawkins, pundit/interviewer/humorist of Right Wing News
* Glenn Reynolds, author of Instapundit and supreme overlord of the blogosphere
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Normally I’d suggest the dad from “Family Ties” (Michael Gross) for me, but he’s getting a little long in the tooth to pull off a convincing Harvey.
I’m thinking Benjamin Walker, who shows he knows what a beard is for in “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”.
If you don’t recognize most of the names on the above list, that’s fine. Either select actors’ names at random, or just pick for Frank & Sarah.
If nothing else, you can always suggest a better name for this sappy little chick-flick.
Slapotics [High Praise!] is following the controversy wherein the Romney campaign used two overlapping circles and 3 chunks of text to illustrate a criticism of Obama’s policies:
Some liberal dipwad complained that it’s not actually a Venn diagram (although Romney never claimed it was), because it didn’t illustrate overlapping sets.
Slapotics then created an actual Venn diagram criticizing Obama:
Now, this looks like fun, and I was going to suggest people make their own and send them to me, but then I realized that – outside of a handful of folks – not a lot of Moon Nukers are digital image rehab artists.
So, in order to facilitate the creation of the Twitter hashtag #ObamaVennDiagram, we can use the text symbol equivalent ( () )
For example:
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(People who criticize Romney’s handling of dogs (Obama) People who’ve eaten dogs)
(People who ride in Canadian-built busses (Obama) People who throw their friends, relatives, and supporters under the bus)
(People who champion transparency (Obama) People who’ve hidden their birth certificates)
(People who want their daughters to get rich (Obama) People who want to tax the rich)
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You get the idea.
Give it a shot.
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UPDATE: The Looking Spoon has a collection of full-color Obama Venn diagrams
