Can’t we all just get along… or at least settle things quickly with dueling pistols?

You have your values. Take those values and mutilate them and sew them together ala Human Centipede and you have your politics.

There’s a very thin line between “righteous angry” and “stupid angry.” Best to keep cool like Coolidge, yo.

With the IRS targeting conservatives and the NSA spying on everyone, probably a great time to push more gun control.

I wonder what a zombie apocalypse would be like in a world like ours where everyone has seen tons of zombie movies?

Would be nice if in the Walking Dead someone responded to them being called “walkers” with “What are you talking about? The zombies?”

“Mission: Protect humans. Problem: Babies inconvenience humans. Solution: KILL ALL BABIES!” -common A.I. malfunction

The point of the government is supposed to be to protect us from people like Michael Bloomberg.

I never metadata I didn’t like.

For those who are disappointed in Rubio, you got what you deserved for ever liking a politician.

CBO found that the immigration bill will expand Obamacare, and Obamacare will lower the deficit! Yay! Unicorns for all!

So ten years ago, what did the CBO say things would look like today?

I guess the CBO has been around for nearly 40 years; they have a long history of really nailing it on their predictions?

Republicans are anti-science. Babies love getting burned with chemicals and ripped apart. It’s their favorite thing.

If your argument for 20+ week abortions doesn’t begin with, “Here’s where I’m ok with infanticide..” it’s probably intellectually dishonest.

The left say we should do the compassionate thing with illegals which to them could mean either a) give them amnesty or b) cut their spines.

“Yippie Ki-Yay and a Bottle of Rum” – my movie pitch for where Die Hard goes back in time to stop terrorists from taking over a pirate ship

Don’t name your son Luke as you’ll be too tempted to abandon him and become his arch-nemesis before revealing who you are.

I don’t like basketball. What’s with the constant bouncing the ball? Seems OCD.

Stupid Colorado. Only state between Idaho and Texas that doesn’t recognize my conceal carry permit.

They won’t recognize my Florida permit because I no longer live in Florida, which I guess makes me dangerous. Idiots.

Did I miss these mass crimes committed by people with conceal carry permits from states they don’t reside in?

Basically every other Indian restaurant is named “Taste of India.”

There’s no description of what the ambrosia of the gods is like, but I’m guessing it’s a lot like sour gummy worms.

Misread the last part of a sign for “Fireworks” and I thought it was selling Ewoks 🙁

I’m sorry, but has there been a scientific study on if you tell someone your wish it won’t come true or is that just an urban legend?

It’s probably true if your wish is terrorism since then the NSA will overhear you.

When a baby has a knife, he immediately tries to stab everyone in the room. This is the “murder reflex” and it disappears at 2 months.

I’m hoping Snowden goes to one of America’s enemies so he can betray all of their secrets.

“Hi. I’m Snowden. I’m your friend. Got any spying secrets you want to tell me?”

I’m all for opening the borders if we get rid of entitlements and the minimum wage.

I’m still not sure who Paula Deen is.

You don’t have to say the pledge of allegiance at school, but if you do, the IRS will target you.

Not all laws are equal. Everyone drives over the speed limit, jaywalks, and sneaks into this country.

The problem with all this racism to fight racism is there is no exit strategy.

People, we have to recognize we’ve made no progress on racism since 1965… and that’s basically all Obama’s fault.

Just for the record, I still find the whole Supreme Court system stupid and poorly thought out.

Why do people act like I’m as racist as the people from 1965? This is the first I’ve even heard of 1965.

I’m from the generation they worked extra hard to make sure wasn’t racist. First 3 years of US history were just Harriet Tubman and MLK.

Nothing sadder/cuter than an asylum for criminally insane babies.

The absolute worst thing you can do to science is not question it.

Instead of an FBI warning before a movie, they should now do an NSA warning. “Netflix is reporting to us that you’re watching this.”

The arc of abortions rights crowd is to eventually have people beating 2-year-olds to death with bats while mumbling about “women’s health.”

“Violence is never the answer… except for pregnancy.” -the left

How long are we going to continue on with the right to not be brutally murdered denied to infants? #CivilRights

Why doesn’t the media show constant video of 20+ weeks abortion so people can see this beautiful thing we all support.

Actually, everyone should go assist in one. You’re kind of an abortion chicken hawk if you haven’t twisted the head off an infant.

The most important thing to preserving abortion rights is people not knowing exactly what that involves.

At 20+ weeks, you might as well hand a new mother a hammer along with her infant in case she decides she doesn’t want it.

Where’d people even get the man/woman idea of marriage from anyway?

God’s punishment for gay marriage is that you have to live in California.

A lot of people these days are big on civil rights, but “meh” on freedom… if that makes sense.

There seems to be just as many hateful bigots on the side of civil rights as against it, which I guess is progress.

62% of Texans support the ban on 20+ weeks abortion because it’s a sick and gruesome thing.

Did anyone think Rick Perry wasn’t just going to call another session?

Is the new rule that a bill can be blocked by anyone coming in and shouting it down? Because I’ll accept that.

“Yep, as soon as you change your name, I’ll change mine to ‘East Virginia’.” -Virginia tricking West Virginia

So what happens to Crossfire when Jon Stewart makes fun of it again?

Just for the record, I don’t think it was ever love that Christians were objecting to.

I’m a little afraid about the outbreak of repetitive stress injuries from all the vigorous self-back-patting going on.

Now that the Gameboy Color Zeldas are available for 3DS, I’ll be able to have beaten ever major Zelda release. Sorry, ladies, already taken.

On pins and needles wondering if they’ll be able to pass a bill in Texas that has the broad support of the legislature and public.

If you’re confused how someone can be for killing convicted murderers but against killing babies, I probably can’t explain it to you.

Shouldn’t the Hillary 2016 slogan be “Inevitable”?

People think that unwanted children are better off dead, but shouldn’t we wait until they’re old enough to make that decision themselves?

So is it weird that if crickets are bothering me at night, I can just sleep on my left ear and no longer hear them?

The reason you can alter the definition of marriage to have same-sex people marry each other but not allow polygamy is that polygamy is icky.

Abortion supporters are at their most macabre when they claim what they’re doing is for the benefit of the aborted.

It’s like in our society we don’t believe love can ever not have a sexual component.

“Man will never work again; the wind will do his work.” -guy hundreds of years ago trying to kickstart his windmill project

Think of all the unwanted pregnancies there were before gas station bathroom condom dispensers.

I wonder if the high cost of college has anything to do with the government guaranteeing $100k loans to idiot teenagers?

Just once in one of these alphabet shows my daughter watches I want the X word to be a guy complaining about immigrants.

Decaf coffee is missing a key ingredient.

If I ever end up in rehab, I have this great “I’m hooked on phonics” joke I’m saving for it.

Someone please tell me what, in 2013, are the engineering challenges we can’t overcome in designing a hotel luggage cart that rolls straight.

Saw an option on a coffee machine for decaf espresso. Makes me wonder if someone makes a non-alcoholic whiskey.

will.i.am chose his name because it expressed what he wanted to say even better than his original choice of punch.my.face.

As long as we’re talking about the inevitability of gay marriage, will the last handful of states without shall issue get with the program?

If we need unskilled labor, why are we importing people from Mexico? Can’t we just use the average college grad?

Little odd how killing someone can be a right to be celebrated one minute and first degree murder the next, but, you know, pink shoes.

Just once I’d like a gay pride parade to be a bunch of lions wearing scarves.

I will not celebrate the cheap America knockoff to the north.

“I have a fun, homophobic idea: Let’s limit this marriage idea to just people of the opposite gender.” -some guy thousands of years ago

Canada Day celebrates the day Canada asked Britain if they could be their own country and Britain was like, “Yeah, I guess so.”

When people begin to realize they’ve been supporting something horrific, the reaction often is to double down and celebrate it.

“Oh, Canada” Canada’s national anthem or statement from one who thought there wasn’t a country to the north and then remembered he was wrong

It’s only tiny murder.

I don’t think I’m supposed to be querying about this, but is someone handling racism on the side of black people? Just checking.

Working on stamping out racism with white people an every day thing with us. I assumed other races are making similar internal efforts.

Eventually, white people won’t be the majority anymore, and if they’re the only ones who stopped being racist by then, we’ll have a problem.