… is that due to a deal with the Obama administration, smartwatch wearers will be able to be nagged in real time by Michelle Obama about their food choices.
… is that it turns the wearer into a Korean Tae Kwon Do master. It has an unfortunate side effect, however: the wearer has to prance around like an idiot every time “Gangham Style” is played.
Samsung is releasing a new “smartwatch”. Its most interesting feature…
It automatically transmits everything you do directly to the NSA. Samsung received extra “development” money from the NSA to include this feature.
…is that it automatically detects when it’s below the plane of a toilet seat. The optional settings are : (1) Disable camera; (2) Enable camera. (3) Enable little helper hands; and, (4) Flush with _5_ second delay. (User input on #4.)
… is that it has adjustable smartness with an artificial IQ:
* Set it to 140, and it discusses higher-order mathematics and philosophy
* Set it to 120, and it directs you to newly-release non0fiction books
* Set it to 100, and it will engage in conversations about American Idol
* Set it to 80, and it gives you the programming schedule for MSNBC
…you don’t have to remove it while going through airport security. Soon, Samsung will be marketing smart shoes, belts, hats, wallets, keys, purses, strollers, laptops and carry on luggage,
Samsung is releasing a new “smartwatch”. Its most interesting feature…
It has a fail-safe PA system that blares, “Last day. Capricorn 15’s. Year of the city – 2274. Carousel begins”, if you’re older than 30 when you buy it and put it on and you “renew”.
…is that it somehow makes your wrist feel… lighter. And more suave. Buy one today! [Not recommended for women who are pregnant, might become pregnant or who ever were pregnant. The Samsung Smartwatch has been proven to cause cancer in laboratory mice and certain cardiovascular symptoms including heart attach and involuntary twerking.]
Samsung is releasing a new “smartwatch”. Its most interesting feature…
it also tells the time.
Samsung is releasing a new “smartwatch”. Its most interesting feature…
it doesn’t need a human to work.
a 200 foot tungsten wire that can support a 200lb man.
… it keeps comparing itself to Apple’s alleged smartwatch.
… is that it’s probably smarter than 98% of the people who will wear it. Not that this is saying much.
… is that it has 23,000 features, mot of which no one will ever use, and it can’t tell time.
… is that, since it run’s Google’s Android, the “watch” in smartwatch takes on a whole different meaning, if you get my drift. *cough* NSA *cough*
Samsung is releasing a new “smartwatch”. Its most interesting feature…
…announcing the time in Korean.
…a manual written entirely in Korean only – because you are smart enough to read Korean.
…telling you how dumb you are to have bought one.
… is that due to a deal with the Obama administration, smartwatch wearers will be able to be nagged in real time by Michelle Obama about their food choices.
… is that it has a battery life than can actually be measured in whole minutes.
… did we say “watch”? Because judging by our “smartphone” design practices, this will wind up taking up your entire forearm and weight 16 pounds.
…is that it immediately requested a waiver from Obamacare.
…is that it’s one helluva device… that you don’t need.
… is that it sports built in cookie and bacon detectors.
…is that it takes a licking and keeps on beeping.
… is that it knows to location of the fifth Golden Ticket… but it won’t tell anyone, because that would be cheating.
…is that it comes with ‘Airplane Mode.’
… is that it turns the wearer into a Korean Tae Kwon Do master. It has an unfortunate side effect, however: the wearer has to prance around like an idiot every time “Gangham Style” is played.
… is that it refers to the wearer, regardless of what anyone tries to tell it, as “Dick Tracy”.
…is that it features those little, patented, “hands-off hands” that will text for you in the car.
Samsung is releasing a new “smartwatch”. Its most interesting feature…
It automatically transmits everything you do directly to the NSA. Samsung received extra “development” money from the NSA to include this feature.
…is that it will automatically call your wife and say, “Make me a sammich, woman!” If you don’t have a wife, you’re SOL.
…is that IT KNOWS!
…is that, while being state-of-the-art, it was actually rejected by the directors of Star Trek as being too “Oriental.”
…when a liberal puts it on it talks slower in mono-syllabic words and short sentences.
Chairman Mao is waving on the face.
@11…. there’s a winner.
…it gives out little electrical shocks that really smart.
…it needs to know anything, it asks Google.
@28: Which Google immediately logs with the NSA.
… is that if you wear one on each wrist, your right hand will actually know what the left hand is doing.
… is that if you accidentally put it on backwards, you can hear the Satanic messages it normally masks when reading you your emails.
…is that it prevents carpal tunnel syndrome by causing ‘limp wrist,’ instead.
… it automatically broadcasts your Political views.
…it comes in two styles: masculine and feminine. The masculine one sounds like a Korean gynecologist.
…Both of its hands go up when it is being stolen.
…it knows what 42 means.
…it can beat a Sicilian when death in on the line
…it knows how to win a land war in Asia.
…it won’t argue with your wife (men’s version)
…is that it won’t give Republicans the time of day.
…it can beat a Sicilian when death is on the line (corrected)
…has a built-in reminder tool called the “pricker.” It’s a hardware device run by software. Buggy software.
…is that it automatically detects when it’s below the plane of a toilet seat. The optional settings are : (1) Disable camera; (2) Enable camera. (3) Enable little helper hands; and, (4) Flush with _5_ second delay. (User input on #4.)
Samsung is releasing a new “smartwatch”. Its most interesting feature…
Miley Sirus twerks every hour on the hour.
…that it plays bored fusion and asks for cookies
… is that it has adjustable smartness with an artificial IQ:
* Set it to 140, and it discusses higher-order mathematics and philosophy
* Set it to 120, and it directs you to newly-release non0fiction books
* Set it to 100, and it will engage in conversations about American Idol
* Set it to 80, and it gives you the programming schedule for MSNBC
Samsung is releasing a new “smartwatch”. Its most interesting feature…
cookie dispenser.
The full Bond workup [see below]
contains a garrote
built in Geiger counter
has a small laser beam cutting tool
has a powerful electromagnet that can deflect a bullet
features a spinning bezel which acts as a rotating saw
has a built in telex that allows the user to receive secret messages
Contains a remote detonator and explosive charge and fuse inside the back compartment.
Receives digital message read-outs and contains a 2-way radio/transmitter for voice communications
Contains a universal radio direction finder. This works in conjunction with listening device inside a fountain pen
Receives moving color images over the air
a remote detonator
Contains a Grappling hook with fifty feet of high-tensile micro-filament and a high intensity lighted bezel.
…is that it automatically converts your entire portfolio into Bitcoin, then spends it all on vanity apps.
@43 If you set it to zero does it give you all of Obama’s speeches?
@46 No, but if it’s at least 60 it reminds you to spell-check before hitting “Submit Comment”. 🙁
@44 – Walrus: I see that you mention it has a remote detonator. I find that interesting.
…it reminds you to submit a cookie related comment.
…it expected the Spanish Inquisition.
…it’s guaranteed to be right at least twice a day.
…Joe Biden was its benchmark for smart.
…it has news websites bookmarked so Obama can be kept up to speed on current events.
…where it starts calling you Shirley.
…is that it wishes to remain Anonymiss!
…is that it’s NSA-, DHS-, CIA-, DIA-, NSC-, FBI-, DOJ-, Facebook-, Google-, Microsoft- and Twitter-approved!.
Samsung is releasing a new “smartwatch”. Its most interesting feature…
…it stores the location of the hidden rebel base as well as the plans to the Death Star.
…it works while eating cookies.
…is that it was based on the Mayan calendar and has actually stopped working in December 2012
…you don’t have to remove it while going through airport security. Soon, Samsung will be marketing smart shoes, belts, hats, wallets, keys, purses, strollers, laptops and carry on luggage,
You have to crack at least 135 on an IQ test to buy it.
…by the time you learn all its features its obsolete
Samsung is releasing a new “smartwatch”. Its most interesting feature…
It has a fail-safe PA system that blares, “Last day. Capricorn 15’s. Year of the city – 2274. Carousel begins”, if you’re older than 30 when you buy it and put it on and you “renew”.
Samsung is releasing a new “smartwatch”. Its most interesting feature…
…is a database of over 200 kimchi recipes.
…is a GPS that warns you if you are about to cross the 49th Parallel.
…is a Kim Jong Un detector.
…is its North Korean missile early warning system.
…a “dumb down” button for the wearer to use when he’s having a bad day.
Samsung is releasing a new “smartwatch”. Its most interesting feature…
gives constant updates to the IMAO straightline of the day thread.
are it’s eyes, the way they seem to see right through you, the way they follow you as you move around the room.
it can actually count as high as the US debt.
…is that it somehow makes your wrist feel… lighter. And more suave. Buy one today! [Not recommended for women who are pregnant, might become pregnant or who ever were pregnant. The Samsung Smartwatch has been proven to cause cancer in laboratory mice and certain cardiovascular symptoms including heart attach and involuntary twerking.]
If you wait 6 years you might actually get one that works.
Samsung is releasing a new “smartwatch”. Its most interesting feature…
…a bullsh!t detector.
…a count down timer for Obama’s days in office.
…a count up calendar for days since the Benghazi massacre.
…an analog watch.
…a cuckoo clock.
…a Big Ben chime.
…a ‘patience’ setting for blonde wearers.
…wearing it makes you look like an idiot.
…will wake Derek Flint up early if Chuck Norris wants to sit down.
…absolutely will not interfere with any implanted medical devices made by Samsung.
…also displays Greenwich Mean Time or Seoul Nice Time.
…food sensor can differentiate between cat, dog and rat.
…waterproof to five minutes of drooling Joe Biden conversing with schplutterin’ Barney Frank.
…shock resistant to 98% of the auto accidents it causes the wearer.
…nerd factor of wearing it is in itself a means of birth control.
…GPS is accurate to within 1/1000 inches of drone strike. (NSA Estimate)
…automatically beeps when Michelle Obama walks backwards.
…handy pins on two sides will allow you to attach it to a band or strap and wear it on your body.
Samsung is releasing a new “smartwatch”. Its most interesting feature…
…is an alarm that goes off every time Obama flip flops.
…is a warning when a former Kim Jong Un girlfriend is nearby.
…is a lexicon of Korean pick up lines.
…is a GPS directory of fingernail parlors.
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