If there was a study saying free speech is harmful, no one would listen to it… if you’re wondering why no one listens to your gun study.

The problem with all these racist things to fight racism is that none of them seem to have an exit strategy.

So Earth Day is the day we get all jingoistic about the planet we just happened to be born on. Whatever, idiots.

Mars is my favorite planet. Not Earth. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Earth doesn’t even make my top three.

Don’t tell Netflix, but yes I would pay quite a bit more than $7.99 a month for their service.

Don’t the angry, radical feminists know they’re going about attracting a man all wrong?

We can solve everything by just having the government push more people around.

We’re too afraid of failure anymore to risk that in order to achieve success.

There should be a special day where we only say nice things to each other on the internet. But only that day.

If white people are left unchecked, they could eventually gentrify the entire world.

So has anyone done a Twitter death hoax for someone who actually died years ago?

The supposed defenders of our rights in the courts are often profound idiots writing pages and pages on why 2 + 2 = 5.

Part of being an “intellectual.” Can’t be smart arguing 2+2=4 because everyone knows that, so you need to pick another position.

The Democrats will go wild in the presidential debates every time Hillary uses her rebuttal of, “What? Speak up, sonny.”

I guess MST3K isn’t for everyone. Not everyone gets… humor.

For instance, Data from Star Trek the Next Generation would be very confused by MST3K.

If climate change is so true, then how come the people most loudly warning about it are so full of crap?

I hope when Jack Bauer returns next month he has some ideas to get the economy going again.

I’m glad Ronald Reagan shot Lenin. That’s why we made him president.

Probably the most tragic presidential death was FDR, who a tearful Truman had to shoot to keep him from turning into a werewolf.

FACT: The Democrat Party was invented to destroy America from the inside. They failed with the Civil War; been more subtle since.

That is a FACT (all caps). No real historian disputes it.

FACT: You can only put the word “fact” in all caps if the fact is undisputed.

The one question libertarians never have a good answer to is if we don’t have a government, how are we going to fight the war on drugs?

There has actually been more instances of kids throwing knives at each other since they stopped teaching knife throwing in school.

You only ever hear about all the bad stuff Dr. Doom does, but apparently he’s a very sought after OBGYN.

Maybe we need to be a little more discriminating about what we’re tolerant about.

Hillary doesn’t look any older than what Senator Palpatine was when he ran for president.

If we split America into poor man’s America and rich man’s America, we could really reduce inequality within each of those two Americas.

Or did we already do that with the North/South America thing?

Gangsters ruined pinstriped suits. You can’t wear a pinstriped suit while holding a Tommy gun without someone thinking you’re a gangster.