(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)
One of my blogdaughters, Tammi of Road Warrior Survival, recently had her mother go to the emergency room. She’s ok, but she’s going to be in the hospital for a few days.
I’d like to send her prayers, but I’m religiously “none of the above”, and every time I try to pray, I get struck by lightning for my heathenly blaspheming.
So, I’ll have to do the next best thing and try to cheer her up with these:
Hospitals are large buildings full of sickly people and machines with flashy lights that go “ping”.
As are casinos.
The difference being that NOBODY leaves a hospital with more money than they came in with.
Unless they screwed the doctors over on a few games of 3 Card Monty.
If you’re not sure whether you’re in a casino or a hospital, light up a cigar and see if you get yelled at.
If you have a disease, you should immediately go to the hospital so that you can contract a more virulent one.
Not all buildings with doctors in them are hospitals. Some are golf course clubhouses.
Again, if you’re not sure, light up a cigar.
Michael Jackson is NOT a doctor. Don’t let him examine you!
For free.
If you’re in a hospital and your heart machine flatlines, try defibrillating yourself a few times before bugging the nurses. Nobody likes a hypochondriac.
In a fight between Aquaman and a hospital, the outcome would depend on the cunning and ferocity of Aquaman’s insurance company.
If a hospital bites you, you become one, after which you must let doctors inside of you, even if you aren’t getting a prostate exam.
Hospitals are required by law to treat everyone who comes through their doors, whether they have insurance or not. That’s why 90% of hospitals are surrounded by shark-infested moats.
The other 10% rely on minefields & barbed wire.
The most common ailments treated by hospitals are heart attacks, strokes, and shark bites.
The English word “hospital” comes from the French word hospitale, which means “we surrender”.
As do most French words.
Monkeys don’t use hospitals. If a monkey gets sick, its fellow tribe-monkeys turn on him and tear him apart while accusing elephants of causing the disease in the first place.
Much like Democrats.
The first hospitals were dank, run-down places where the sickly poor went to die. Modern hospitals are clean, efficient, well-lit places filled with cutting-edge medical technology, where the sickly poor go to die broke.
Doctors wear white coats to symbolize the purity of their souls, which are untouched by such human failings as sympathy, compassion, or mercy.
Wait… I was thinking of those bean-counting trolls in Accounts Receivable… Nevermind.
Traditional nurse’s garb consists of a short white dress, white stockings, and a tiny white cap, none of which serve any practical purpose other than enticing men who have a fetish for that sort of thing.
About which I know nothing, so don’t look at me like that.
Unless you’re wearing a nurse’s outfit.
Hospitals are full of sick people, and therefore must adhere to the highest standards of cleanliness and sanitation, which doesn’t explain why hospital janitors tend to make Groundskeeper Willie look like Mr. Rogers.
Every patient admitted to a hospital is given a backless gown called a “johnny”, the purpose of which is to allow easy removal for patient examinations and also to allow the hospital staff to indulge their chronic ass-fetishes.
About which I ALSO know nothing.
Anyone with video evidence to the contrary is cordially invited to shut the hell up!.
Not all hospitals are the same. Some specialize in particular areas of expertise, such as heart surgery or roulette.
Wait… I might be thinking of casinos…
[lights cigar]
Anyway, this should help comfort those with recent hospital experiences.
If you’d like to thank me, please post a picture of yourself wearing a nurse’s outfit in the comments.
Ok, ok, Harvey. First!
OMG, am I first?!? Great one, Harv…
Oh, never mind… other comment wasn’t showing. Second though… not bad 😀
Oh, never mind… other comment wasn’t showing. Second though… not bad 😀
I was going to send the picture but I only have the one with me in the hospital gown and you’re not looking at my backside if I have anything to say about it! Keep your fetishes to your self.
Good to know, since I think I caught pneumonia, from my recent trip back to the Burgh. Gawd, I hate the North.
Thanks Harv!! I needed a laugh this morning!!
I’d help you out here, but, man, I got five bucks not to post!
“The difference being that NOBODY leaves a hospital with more money than they came in with.”
Doctors do it every day – a LOT more money. I think it’s a law or something.
Hey, do you know if nurses also wear garter belts? (stares blankly into fantasyland….)
I think I still have that nurses outfit
I used to wear for those shows I used to do down at “The Purple Peacock”.
Do you want me to shave my legs before I
take a picture and post it?
Actually, that would be “hÙpital” and “nous nous rendons” or just “nous rendons”.
Firs..Dammit! I thought you meant 7:30 tomorrow!
Harvey made the cardinal mistake of guest blogging and forgot that FrankJ’s server is in a different time zone. Experts on guest blogging, such as myself, always know to account for the time difference.
First of all, the day is 0.0000014 seconds shorter after the major earthquake. For Harvey to miss that correction is… well… a sign we blogchildren need to be thinking seriously about where to put him for his remaining days.
He’ll vote for “Happy Acres” (expensice as hell) but I checked – they don’t accept convicted sex-offenders, so we need to get out our yellow pages. Dad needs a home, just not MY home.
— Jeff
Frank needs to move his server to a real time zone, like Central 😛
i only have 2 things to say and they dont necessarily have to do with this post: 1) the US is extremely stingy when it comes to aid to foreign countries. we paid approximately 350 million whereas countries less wealthy than us such as Germany paid double that amount. 2) the French are not nearly as monkey-like as our president who probably speaks better spanish than he does english. but hey! im not going to go into any more detail since this website seems to be more for idiots than anything else. i will say one thing that you bush-freaks WILL like: kerry sucks. thats right, im a liberal and i said it: kerry sux. you know why? because hes was too much like bush. thank you and good night.