This is a cold confusing world isn’t it? Well, close the DOOR! Do you think we’re made of money?
Anyway, it’s time for Ask Dr. Duck: The segment I do each week (yup, I’ve decided to make it a regular post) where I offer my love and guidance. Well – my guidance at least.
Do you have a question on your mind? Love? Life? Relationships? Politics?
The Doctor is in. Remember, I’m just like a real doctor except I have no credentials and no training.
Disclaimer: Dr. Duck is not a real doctor. He’s also not a real duck. But he is Mexican and has darker skin than Bryant Gumbel. But then again, so does Michael Jackson. Bryant is funny – I hope he says something again. Anyway, Dr. Duck’s advice is offered for entertainment purposes – should you choose to follow any of his advice – now THAT would be entertainment. Results guaranteed or your money back. No refunds. Store credit only. IMAO has a strict policy that says, “You break it – you buy it.” Questions may be submitted by posting in comments, by email at rightwingduck at yahoo dotcom or by snail mail: RWD, North Pole – C/O Santa Claus.
Answers posted on Friday.
Dr Duck,
What is the point of being FIRST in all IMAO posts? I don’t understand the phenomenon at all.
Why do trolls bother with us? We know how lame we are already, why do they waste their breath?
How do I keep the stupid cats from being scared of my new dog Rowdi?
Dr. Duck,
How retarded does someone have to be to think humans are causing global warming? And just what is wrong with global warming anyway? Might help Denver get to host the Super Bowl one day.
Dr. Duck,
Would it be morally or legally wrong to spray Rowdi with catnip and the cats with rabbit scent for entertainment purposes? If, it is, would it be okay to do just the catnip part?
Dear recent convert to the Religion of Peace (TM),
will those 72 virgins be wearing burkhas, because if they are, that will be no fun at all.
On a island there is a man who is a barber; this barber shaves all and only those men in the village who do not shave themselves. Question: Does the barber shave himself?
Dr. Duck,
I’m watching Jean-Luc Godard’s weirdas hell classic, “Alphaville.” How can I use this information to get chicks?
Belloq
What is up with that Arick Baldrim guy?
Dear Dr. Duck,
Is it bad to have a logical and possible plan to take over the world? Or is it only a problem if you actually try to take over the world?
Dr. Duck
Did you know that the square root of 6,524,277,529 is 80,773?
Oh great and wise Dr. Duck –
As an unfortunate side effect of y’all branching out into pod casting, I now “hear” each of you reading your posts on IMAO. However, lately when I have been reading Frank J. posts, the voice in my head is spacemonkey. Does this mean that spacemonkey has killed Frank and taken over IMAO? Should I call the cops?
please explain this extreme, for a lack of a better word or two “fetish” with, “nuking the moon.” if frank j. nukes it and the light of it goes out then what will happen to the moonbats that seem to draw strength from it???
Dr. Duck,
Are you going to answer my question THIS time? Thanks.
Dr. Duck,
If a friend who has a, ahem, homely wife tries to set you up with a woman he says is “smoking hot” do you trust his judgement and go? Time is of the essence here, have to answer by Friday.
Dr. Duck,
What would happen if I “accidentally” went through the fire exit that sounds the alarm of doom in my dining hall? What about pushing somebody else through the exit? Does it still count if it’s April Fool’s Day?
Dear Dr. Duck,
You have been accused of being a “bland white” person. Does the troll know something that we don’t?
Dr. Duck,
Please disregard my earlier question on Alphaville. I now know I’m a total nerd and will never get chicks other than by mail.
My replacement question is: what is the difference between libertarians and Neo-cons?
Belloq
Duckie McDuckerson,
Where are my car keys?
Hi Dr. Duck,
Where’s the beef?
Dr. Duck,
What do you think SarahK-J thought about that gross pic of her hubby and spacemonkey, brokeback-style?
And how much ransom money should I bring if I one day ever lost my mind and wanted to vacation to Mexico?
dr. duck,
why didn’t you answer my question last week?
follow up: is that why you never call me anymore?
Dear Dr. Duck:
What was my question?
Who wrote the book of love? And who put the ‘rama’ in the rama-lama-ding-dong?
Dear Enlightened Duck,
I desire to do the will of Allah-the problem is, my American job is getting in the way. Could I still be considered a good Muslim if I just did a little suicide bombing on the side? I’m willing to negotiate…maybe getting 36 virgins instead of 72?
-Al Kinda
why is it, that when I click your link on the left of the IMAO homepage, all I get is a page that tells me how I can own a website? I don’t want to own a website. I want somebody else to do all the work so I can sit on my tuckus and laugh hysterically at barking moonbats. Is that so wrong?????????
Dr. Duck,
To keep Moonbeam from having to ask this, “Why don’t Frank and Sarah just give the dog a ‘Y’???”