People always ask me (and by “always”, I mean “never”), “Harv, how come it takes you so darn long to get those Fun Facts About Those 50 States posts done?”
Well, it’s because of the crude, labor-intensive creative technique involved. The humor mine, she no surrender her gems easily.
What I do is start with a list of state-related information & trivia, and “spice up” some of the facts. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s like removing your own appendix without anesthetic.
For example, here’s a Wisconsin fact that I stared at for half an hour before throwing my hands up in disgust and moving on to a softer target:
“In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River.”
So… how would YOU spice that one up?
In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River. In 1883, the dam was shut down due to the first (and only) cheese clog in the United States.
A little lame maybe? But hey, it only took me 2 minutes and you can never go wrong with a Wisconsin cheese joke.
“In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River. In 2001, Democrats angry over coverage of the 2000 presidential election renamed it the ‘Faux’ River.”
In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River. In 1982, a vehicle was driven off the dam for the first time. Senator Kennedy escaped unharmed.
What Murdock said.
Kennedy loves this stuff.
Well, it depends on which Fox River you’re talking about. As some may know there are two (one Northern, one Southern that, if I’m not mistaken, goes all the way to Illinois). I actually live near the Southern one and I don’t know if there even is any water in that river, it’s mostly trash, sluge, and homeless people. Of course that doesn’t help at all because you would need to know that for it to be funny with out explaining much. So the point of this post? None really, I’ll go somewhere else now.
In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River:
In 1883 the first brewery was attached to the HydroElectric Dam, thereby proving that useful things can come from hippy tree-hugging technology.
In 1883 the first person from Illinois made there way up the Fox River, and yelled “Cheesehead”! Things have never been civil since…
In 1883 Wisconsin, enjoying the total control over the waterways that led to illinois, tried to dam up all the other rivers. However, a typo on the Army Corps of Engineers form merely made them curse at the water instead. ‘Damn’! Hmm, this isn’t doing too much….
In 1883 Illinois responded to Wisconsin’s technological innovation by exporting overweight suburbanites north for vacation every weekend.
In 1883…we ran out of good Wisconsin v. Illinois JOkes.
Sigh.
In 1974, Ted Kennedy was seen swerving near the Fox River reservoir. All subsequent missing persons and accident reports regarding the incident are deemed classified.
“In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River. Onlookers all said ‘Daaaaaaaam.'”
“In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River.”
In 2002 global warming dried up the river plunging Wisconsin into the 1881.
Spacemonkey’s is the best so far.
“In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River. Finally, something in Wisconsin sucked in more water than beer.”
“In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River.”
Built entirely from plans tatooed on Micheal Scofield’s back.
In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River. This prompted a young George Soros to form the new political movement MoveOn.co-op
In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River. This permitted the switch to be thrown on the world’s first electric fence. Neither wild dairy herds nor gullible city slickers in need of a pit stop would never be the same again. [insert zap! sound effect]
d’oh, you need to omit my double negative up there. I hang my head in shame.
In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River. It was built after over a century of failure in trying to create a Fromagelectric power plant.
In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River. In 1883 Krakatoa exploded. You do the math.
In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant was built at Fox River. In 1960, Arthur Fonzarelli successfully jumped over Fox River on a motorcycle. Later that year, he successfully jumped a shark. In 1978, a television show depicting his life did the same.
In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River -Muslims offended.
In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant was built at Fox River. In 2002 Al Gore claimed to have invented it.
Wrong, P.J.! That dam is a lightwieght!
“In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River. Recently it was converted into a ‘deeptunnelectric‘ plant to adapt to more plentiful fuel sources.”
A little obscure, but pretty typical of Milwaukee.
In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River. This came three years after Edison invented the practical light bulb, which until then Wisconsinites had used as very small screw-top beer bottles.
This may explain why Old Milwaukee beer tastes like a metal light bulb filament.
If you are ever tempted to drink from a Wisconsin beer bottle that cannot stand upright on a table, resist.
If you are ever tempted to drink while you cannot stand upright on a table in Wisconsin, it’s probably Deer Season.
“In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River.”
“Liberals have attacked it for not being fair and balanced and helping to power the vast right wing conspiracy”
So, when does Harvey tell us who won?
Right now.
I vote Spacemonkey.
And I officially hate him for being able to come up with it 😛