So first Tim Pawlenty goes to Iowa to speak out against ethanol subsidies, and now he’s gone to Florida to call for Medicare and Social Security reform. Dude is crazzzzzzzzz…
Okay, fell asleep again, because it’s still Tim Pawlenty. Still, he’s getting more interesting. Maybe with just a little help, he could be an exciting, dynamic candidate.
TIPS FOR TIM PAWLENTY TO BE MORE EXCITING
* Go to a biker bar. Pick fight with largest guy there.
* Vow to put our nation’s resources towards building a giant, city-destroying robot.
* Change name to Snake Pawlenty.
* Drive around in a solid gold rocket car.
* Use straight talk to tell a few states, “Your state sucks; I don’t even want your votes. I hope you all die.”
* Call your campaign the “Pawlenty of Pain Tour”.
* At every appearance, have walls of flame surround the stage when you’re speaking.
* For a fundraiser, rob a bank.
* Start debates by ripping off your shirt like Hulk Hogan.
* Explosions everywhere you go.
* Wear a patch eye.
* End a speech by breaking a cinder block with your head.
If he follows my advice, think of how exciting he’ll zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
* Carry nunchucks and beat the spittle out of liberal reporters who ask dumb questions.
* Wear switchblade shoes and don’t be afraid to kick-the-tires of the opposition.
* Show up in a Ninja cape and threaten to kill all the __________ on _________ (you fill in the blanks, I don’t wanna be moderated).
* Stop looking like a corporate accountant who needs a blowtorch to lite a fire in his belly.
* Carry a sign the reads “Nice Guys Finish First!”
* Stay away from Herman CAIN – he’ll just make you look limp.
* Have an affair with Catherine Zeta Jones
* Shoot a democrat just to watch him die
* Replace Iowa Primary Caucus with Iowa Primary Thunder Dome
* Tell Hot Air, “Arrgh, I don’t need your RINO and Papist help, Ed and Punditboy!”
* Condemn foreign aid while speaking at the UN.
* Change name to Hermain Cain, become black man.
* Stop running up debt in Minnesota.
* Become Paul Ryan’s bodyguard, shoot any who question him. Including old people.
* Start talking like Humphrey Bogart.
Get a cool nickname like Tim ‘Razorwire’ Pawlenty.
Wear a live muskrat for a hat (Works for Trump).
Have his left hand replaced with a Hook.
Promise to give out $1000 to anyone paying attention when he uses the phrase “Balance the Budget”.
Tim Pawlenty happy meal action figures.
* Hire Oddjob-like bodyguard to snap the neck of any dumb reporter asking dumb reporter questions.
* Get kung fu action grip.
* Wear IMAO Nuke the Moon T-shirt to all campaign apperances.
* Rent Sarah Palin’s hang glider and moose rifle. Arrainge press conference and swoop over crowd sniping
at msnbc staff.
* Take acting lessons from Willaim Shatner to improve believability.
Change name to Shaft. Play the Isaac Hayes song at all events:
You see this cat Shaft is a bad motherf–
Shut your mouth
But I’m talkin’ about Pawlenty
Then we can dig it
Hate to break the fun, but I’d like to say that going to Iowa and telling them the ethanol subsidies need to end and then travelling to Florida to talk about reforming Medicare and Social Security is either genius or suicide. Either way, it takes stones.
Take a trip to Saudi Arabia, walk up to the big mosque in Mecca and eat a barbecue sandwich. With bacon on it.
Then tell their king to bow and kiss your college ring or you’ll personally kick him in the balls.
Or, if he wanted to risk his life, he could give a speech against abortion in San Francisco.
Are you saying that Herman has real competition, Rock?
I’d like to hear any one of the candidates come forward and say “Medicare needs to be PHASED OUT with NOTHING to replace it.” Get the G** Dam* Federal Government out of our private lives!
Parachute into all his campaign events.
Hold a machine gun shoot at each campaign stop.
* At every appearance, have walls of flame surround the stage when you’re speaking. — Jets of flame, cued to points in the speech, like a high-tech fake voodoo thing.
Smash things on stage with a big hammer, like Gallagher used to do.
Pork-ribs-and-Koran barbecues.
End every commercial with, “My name is Tim Pawlenty, and I approve this message, SUCKAH!”
Attend debate; restrict replies to “In your pants!”
Skull tattoo. On his face.
Mohawk and Gold Chains
Pet Alligator
Use Overclocked laser pointer to set Obama’s pants on fire during the debate.
Promise a secret service bikini team if elected president.
Tweet about liking his facebook post -Just kidding, he should do whatever the opposite of that is.
He should …. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Tell ZZZZZZZZZ Romney ZZZZZZZZZZ that his hair sucks and he’s ZZZZZZZZZZ boring ZZZZZZZZZ and to go home. ZZZZZZZZ
(The ZZZZ’s are where you can nod-off. No, ussjc, not nad-off!)
Shove a box of candy in his campaign trail bike shorts and legally change his name to Good ‘n Plenty Pawlenty.
Get Oprah to anoint him as The Him.
Reenact favorite scene from The Deer Hunter during debates, using live ammo.
Revise his stump speech:
“Medicare – the rent is too d*mn high!
Social Security – the rent is too d*mn high!
Ethanol subsidies – the rent is too d*mn high!
Wall street bail-outs – the rent is too d*mn high!
Industry bail-outs – the rent is too d*mn high!
President’s czars – the rent is too d*mn high!
Department of Education – the rent is too d*mn high!
EPA – the rent is too d*mn high!
Thank you and
you can all go back to sleep nowgood night.”* Have all his campain posters done by Frank Frazetta.
* When he DOES drink beer…only drink Dos Equis.
* At each campaign stop, have a wardrobe malfunction.
* When talking about budget issues, juggle chainsaws…blindfolded…riding a unicycle…naked.
Breast Implants.
Demand all debates be Texas Steel Cage matches.
Take weener candy before every campaign stop. Women love bulges!
Tell everyone that you are tired of watching Obama bugger America! Call him a Buggerer-in-Chief
Hang an Obama Doll in Effigy and then Burn it and stand there and go Muwahahahahahahahahah!
Find a member of the press and kick them in the nads. Male or female, doesn’t matter…
Wear a Sweater Vest with a Middle Finger on the Front and Back with Obama’s name below it!
Drop in to your speeches from the back of a C130, Vin Diesel style and stand up say “That was great!” “Let’s do that again”!
Finally, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Entourage of SHOWGIRLS,
Free Redbull with every speech.
Random swearing.
Discharge a firearm over the heads of the crowd for punctuation.
Raffle off ambassadorships during campaign speeches.
Ventriloquism
Mark everyone’s absentee ballot for himself while they are sleeping.
Promise to hang jane fonda if elected.
Promise not to be naked. Ever.
Jello wrestling during debates
Plink darts off the head of Sasquatch’s husband during debates
Warn voters if they don’t wake up, you will hit them with your mitt.
Lots of beer.
Mud wrestling w/hot babes.
NASCAR race after Q&A period.
Redneck T-shirts sponsored by Basil’s Blog. (Oops, wrong candidate.)
Fred Thompson “fire in my belly” guest appearance, now with twice the Federalism!!
It would be so much easier if he was a Democrat. Because, then he could either spend time as a recruiter for the KKK or run a car off a bridge and let a girl in the passenger’s seat drown, then wait until the next morning after he’d met with his lawyers to report it. Or, he could attack a big company with a bogus lawsuit, then build a 28,000 square foot house with the money he won. Or, he could convince a whole bunch of his friends to commit “suicide.” Or, he could commit treason by testifying before Congress with false accusations against our troops, comparing them to Ghengis Kahn, or by calling our troops murderers, or by declaring that “This war is lost.” Or he could just go completely insane and claim he went to a bar last week that’s been closed for 12 years or recall conversations you had that never actually took place and claiming to be an expert on foreign affairs when every suggestion you’ve ever made regarding foreign affairs has been ridiculously stupid. He could have affairs – and maybe kids – with other women, even if his wife is dying of cancer…right in his political office. He could choose to not cheat on his taxes year after year, then lie about it. If he was a Democrat all of those options would be considered exciting resume enhancers.
…actually, that shoudl read “…choose to cheat on his taxes…”
* Call your campaign the “Pawlenty of Pain Tour”.
Pawlenty’s Pain Tour already started,
he went to Iowa to speak against corn ethanol subsidies,
he follows that with trips to Florida to speak against old people,
Texas and Arizona to speak against border enforcement,
to the Carolinas for lectures against NASCAR,
Maine to oppose lobster fishing,
and international trips to England and China to oppose tea production,
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
For all the fun at Pawlenty’s expense, Son of Bob and Rock Throwing Peasant guy are right. Boring is actually good. Ike was a pretty boring president and yet he kept us safe from being nuked by those godless commies. Coolidge didn’t get his nickname Silent Cal because he spent every day giving speeches about how great he was. Says I, “More Silent Cal, less Obama.”
Pawlenty seems to have stones. We can only hope that he doesn’t try to make himself seem macho a la Dukakis the bobble head in a tank or like Kerry on a motorcycle.
Hey everybody, Pawlenty used to play HOCKEY. Let him stay boring, because if there’s anything you don’t want to see, it’s a hockey player who gets exciting. When that happens, there’s blood and teeth all over the ice.
Elle T.:
“…blood and teeth all over the ice”?
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
He should EMBRACE boring, riff off it, make it a lovable self- deprecating theme, use some sort of prop to emphasize it, and then use all that to contrast himself with “exciting” candidate Obama while he reminds voters of the old Chinese curse: May you live in exciting times.”
Bachmann wants you for her campaign manager Frank.
She’s thinking of using the shirt bit.
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