Use pad X-3
88 68 6e 16 9d f2 8b e0 13 6e c2 A8 0c 2b a4 5c
55 03 a5 c0 ec 9b fb 51 da 7b ec ef f5 6c 2d 1e
74 26 cf 1c 58 5f 10 44 fc e9 a4 76 69 46 17 91
1a d7 c6 57 ad b7 6b bf aa af 8e b3 10 ed 3f bd
84 dd 09 6c 15 19 d8 92 39 49 76 95 56 44 07 5c
5b 41 23 85 a8 ca a0 23 4f b2 6d 4d 49 4b 7d 22
a0 b2 2c bf 0b c5 27 6c cb 1a 30 00 a8 48 38 4e
65 e8 45 ce 64 cd 8c 31 b3 6b 06 d4 3d de ea a0
0d 27 b2 38 76 e0 66 eb 94 c0 02 b9 60 79 78 08
67 df 00 69 ab 53 a7 48 ad da 98 5a 90 4a cc 18
84 d4 98 95 GO d8 04 1e e4 d7 df 55 10 34 c1 97
89 dd e4 04 d2 a5 a5 39 78 bf 5b bf 9c 40 b9 45
8a 6f 69 0f ff 2e e8 29 b0 bd 0a 65 ee 65 cc 01
95 1a 22 8a 16 90 be 4c cb 38 48 66 58 a9 8d b5
f5 36 04 64 70 a7 7d af df 5d 5e dd 71 9c 34 f2
59 f2 fc e7 58 d6 e6 c2 7e e8 8c 6b 37 56 58 b3
c9 3b ce 40 52 00 ca 10 f0 16 e5 08 d0 05 1b 90
9a 1b 9e 0f 01 54 99 30 b2 43 b1 28 83 40 55 d4
e4 f5 6c a8 c4 d7 79 64 a6 bf 74 24 a9 f0 5d c6
ef 11 40 97 b1 ba e9 26 d2 70 3d 8f e5 d7 ad eb
50 e5 92 2b 20 6d 71 0e 5c 49 50 d6 a2 8a 0e 7f
0f 84 fb e2 b0 78 ac 65 02 e8 7b 12 e2 b2 1a 50
fc 3c 9f 57 0a d5 fb 51 42 48 d9 34 a7 2d 8e 18
09 83 4a 79 09 2d 96 68 d0 f3 f1 c7 f1 dd bc 7c
fb 29 9b 42 89 66 17 83 4a 36 3f 08 1d 41 78 46
a1 37 43 da 72 25 f9 4e fe da be 61 bd 3f 06 d2
f1 c2 8c dd 3d 15 dd 1b 59 4f 26 ed 53 95 7f a4
65 06 ed cd 7e 03 d0 1d 02 0e cb 0c 1d 6f c4 39
3d 99 b2 c4 bf fe f0 bd 17 27 48 35 39 ca b0 ef
74 b7 b1 4d fe 1b 54 6b 40 23 ce 03 15 33 e0 7e
d7 0a 42 fa 09 44 ae 06 60 13 09 29 45 4d 42 ca
d0 ad 1c 0b 73 ad 80 6d cf 8e 1d 98 a9 b0 2a 4d
INSTRUCTIONS: Open the Microsoft Calculator. Set View to Scientific. Select Hex and Byte in the radio buttons at top. Since the same two bytes XOR’d together equals zero, start where the code above begins to differ from the pad. Enter the byte from the code and then Xor it with the byte from the same position on your one time pad. Write down results. Your results should be hex that translates to ASCII test (table here; second column is hex). I used all caps, so, if you’re doing it right, what you decrypt the code to should mainly lay between 0x41 and 0x5a (with 0x20 for a space, 0x2c for a comma, 0x2e for a period, 0x22 for quotes, and 0x2d for a dash). I must have accidentally skipped to lines, so two rows of the code within in the message will match up exactly with the pad and can be ignored (anything that XOR’s to 0x00 can be ignored). Hopefully I didn’t mess up so much that this is unreadable. I’ll try to make future instructions shorter, but this is necessary preparation.
If some hacker out there wants to write a program to enter in two sets of 512 bytes and output ASCII text (discarding all 0x00) that would be appreciated.
Remember the first two rules of the Frank J. Fan Club…
UPDATE: This may be just a little too tedious (it was much more tedious encrypting the message, I assure you) so I may put preps on hold until I can get a program to do this automatically. Whatever you do, don’t e-mail me what you were able to decrypt.
FIRST AND SECOND RULES!!!
Archive of entries posted on April 2004
Super Happy Index
John Kerry came out with a new misery index to try and convince us we’re all miserable, but a higher number on it means less misery. That’s wacky.
I decided to make my own index. A higher number means less misery on mine, too, so I call it the “Super Happy Index”. Zero is suicidal unhappy, while it will only reach negative numbers if you live in another country. What makes my index different from others is it’s an inverse to the misery of our enemies and takes in such factors as whether the president is named Ronald Reagan.
Super Happy Index
Word War Jew
If you’ve been following the controversy, the number one google search terms for “Jew” has been an anti-Semitic site, so some bloggers have been trying to google-bomb the wikipedia entry for Jew to the top and have succeeded… for short periods of time.
Google refuses to remove the anti-Semitic site as the first search result even though they’ve removed other search results in the past. They have what sounds like a legitimate reasons for it, but Best of the Web yesterday poked some holes in that.
Guess, though, who is the first return results for “joooos”? Yeah, that’s right.
Hey, if we tried to google-bomb a term with a google search for that term (like evil monkeys), could we cause an infinite google loop and crash google? Hmmm…
UPDATE: Google now has an explanation of the Jew search result.
T-Shirt Stuff
ThoseShirts.com now has on its front page a picture of the Insta-Wife (who, lucky for contestants, is ineligible to enter the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest) and a picture of Glenn Reynolds himself looking like a deer caught in the headlights.
Also, a new shirt is available for preorder. I came up with the phrase, but I don’t get a commission for this one. Still, I think it’s a pretty cool shirt and wanted to point it out.
It’s Coming…
A Three Hour Tour
John Hawkins of Right Wing News chose ten bloggers (5 male/5 female) he’d like to have around if stuck on a deserted island, and I made the cut for very logical reasons.
Laurence Simon says he’d go straight to cannibalism to conserve bandwidth.
Dawn Olsen doesn’t seem to like my inclusion. Well, if it really is a deserted island, then it will be martial law, and I know how to handle dissent.
Does anyone else think I’m a self-absorbed, cocky jerk? I always thought I came off as cordial and witty.
SAY I’M CORDIAL AND WITTY!
NOW!!!
UPDATE: Joyce from Transcended is hot. Why’d no one tell me about her? I know who’d I be putting the moves on on that deserted island…
Frank Answers: To Infinity and Below, Quoting Frank, Bigfoot, and the Dark Secret Behind the Theory of Relativity
Rally round the family… with a pocket full of shells!
We rally round the family… with a pocket full of shells!
We rally round the family… with a pocket full of shells!
We rally round the family… with a pocket full of shells!
Sorry, one of my favorite Rage Against the Machine songs was on the radio as I drove back from picking up lunch. BTW, today is tax day and free cookie day at Subway if anyone forgot.
Anyway, here are some Frank Answers™ to some frank questions.
Todd writes:
Finally I have found someone with the significant cerebral capacity to tackle my most baffling brainteaser:
If 1/Infinity is always 0, and anything/itself is always 1, what is infinity/infinity? 1 or 0?
Actually, I’ve posed this same math question to a number of mathematicians, and, not liking any of their answers, I dismissed them. The way I usually phrase the questions is what is the product of infinity times zero? My answer is one. Reasoning: infinity (i.e. everything) times zero (i.e. nothing) equals finite (i.e. something). It just makes sense. Anyone who says otherwise is an idiot and never returned the mechanical pencil I lent him.
Chris from Baltimore writes:
In some of my conservations with people, I find that I sometimes have to use your words of wisdom to get my point across. Is there a proper manner in which I should quote you, so that you can get proper credit for your wisdom?
The preferred form is either “As the most learned Frank J. once said…” or “As the exalted one spaketh…”. Being me, I don’t need to preface my own quotes in such a way, and usually start a statement with “Hey, goober!”
Sam from Buford, GA writes:
I have a classification question for you. Is bigfoot technically a monkey? If not, where does his allegiance lie? Also, is a 45 enough to stop bigfoot, or do I need to get a 44 magnum like Dirty Harry?
Now, I personally don’t believe in bigfoot, but, if he does exist, then the most likely explanation is he is some sort of monkey conspiracy to design a uber-monkey to one day overpower man. Now, while I revere the .45, I’d say, when in any area there are bigfoot sightings, treat it like your in an area with known grizzly attacks and thus keep a .44 magnum handy. My dad bought his first .44 magnum for when fishing in Alaska, and, though he encountered neither bear nor bigfoot, it’s just the smart thing to do.
Sderrick writes:
Alright, here’s a science question that I got confused over at first and my hippy boss tried to make me feel stupid about. If two particles are traveling at each other at the speed of light, what is their relative speed? The answer should be obvious but the real question is why.
Their relative speed will be the speed of light, as nothing can move faster than the speed of light. Seems like a paradox, doesn’t it? That’s because it is. Einstein realized this early on as a flaw to his theory of relativity, so he took the only remedy available: blackmail. Apparently, thought his research in physics, Einstein found some flaw in the universe so glaring that God would never want anyone to find out about it. So Einstein threatened God to make his speed of light paradox true or he would release his findings. God, Who is no stranger to paradoxes since He can both lift anything and make a rock He cannot lift, consented, but then cursed Einstein’s hair so that no comb made by mortal man could tame it. And thus the theory of relativity was given substance.
(Source: Fundamentals of Physics by David Halliday)
Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
The Daily Whine
One more thing, everyone stop being mean to Daily Kos. It’s not his fault he’s a complete muckadoo; they thought lead was good for you when he was kid.
Anyway, all this attention to his inhumanity and his racism is just keeping his traffic higher than the rightful ruler the blogosphere, the puppy blender.
The One Hit Wonder
Osama Bin Laden has yet another tape out where he threatens revenge against American and yadda yadda yadda. With all these tapes now, why doesn’t just release a whole album: The Best of Bin Laden’s Empty Threats.
Bring it on, bitch.
Be Careful What You Try and Steal, You Just Might Get It
I should have asked how much Jonah Goldberg’s job pays before I tried and steal it, as it’s obviously not much since he has to have a second job at Starbucks. We should find out which and order him around.
Then again, it’s hard for me to make a complex coffee order since I only drink it black. I guess I could order one of their wacky coffee mixtures and say leave out this and leave out that until nothing is left but the coffee. That should drive him nuts and teach him to do… uh… whatever is was that made me not like him.
In My World: The Iraq Speech
“I’m President Bush, and I approve this message.”
“You don’t have to say that before a speech,” remarked a reporter.
“Shut up!” Bush shouted, “This is my speech, and I can do what I want!” He looked at some index cards. “Now what did I want to say… Oh! We are doing good in Iraq. Many bad people are dying. Osama is a bad man and we will find him. There are many camels in Iraq. And… uh…” He shuffled through his index cards. “Oh yeah… and screw you stupid reporters. I will now open the floor for questions, but I would like to point out that I have one brick.” Bush held up a red brick. “I will throw it at the head of anyone whose question makes me mad. You may think I might not use it on you because your question isn’t maddening enough, but I remind you I’m quite impulsive. Who has the first question?”
“Would you like to apologize for anything involving 9/11 because… AHHH!”
“Damn; there goes my only brick,” Bush sighed, “Next question.”
“Do you regret anything during your presidency?”
“No, and you suck,” Bush answered.
“Is there anything you think you should apologize for?”
“You’re all asking the same damn questions!” Bush exclaimed, “I don’t regret or apologize for anything. It was terrorists who crashed those planes on 9/11; not me! I only crashed two planes in my entire life, and never into buildings. And, after all the terrorist evil, I went and killed bad people, like a good president should. I regret nothing! Now does someone have some question that doesn’t involve apologizing or regretting?”
“What do you think of comparisons of Iraq to the quagmire in Vietnam?”
“That’s stupid,” Bush answered, “Anyone who thinks that is a complete retard… and I mean drooling on himself. Let’s look at the facts. Vietnam was a jungle. Iraq is a desert. There were Asian people in Vietnam. There are Arab people in Iraq. Oh, and one last thing: I’m going to win in Iraq! You hear that?” Bush shook his fist. “Bad people die when I’m president, and I don’t back down! You write that in your writing book thingies.”
“Our notepads?” suggested one reporter.
“Could one of you hand me back my brick?” Bush asked.
No one moved.
“You guys are useless! Ask your next stupid question.”
“Why are both you and Vice President Cheney going to testify before the 9/11 commission together?”
“Well… uh… er…” Bush stammered, “You see… I think Dick might answer that better.”
Cheney walked on to stage. “SHUT UP!” he shouted, threw a whiskey bottle at the reporters, and then walked off.
“Good ‘ole drunken Dick,” Bush chuckled, “Always straight and to the point. Anymore questions?”
“Is there anything you regret having done since 9/11?”
Bush groaned. “I regret not bringing more bricks.”
Judgment Day Draws Near
Two weeks left to enter the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest. When I get more entries, I’ll start posting some.
On a related note, Miss U.S.A. plans to give speeches in support of the war in Iraq. Contestants better hope she doesn’t enter my contest, as she sounds pretty qualified.
The Limey – Episode IX: Gone with the Lime
STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Episode VI: Bloody Fascism
Episode VII: Lime Another Day
Episode VIII: The Good, the Bad, and the Limey
In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. Also, an inappropriate reference to American Frank’s and a reader’s mother (“mum” in his words) have each been dubbed over with something completely different.
As we join The Limey, he has now accepted the newly dubbed “Socialist Frank” and writes a letter of congratulations:
Hello ronin. Do you like the red background? [Ed note: This, as most of his previous, was sent with a red background] I will start this email by praising the continued had work and dedication of the democratic left-of-centre coalition which I lead. XTREME ONE, Carl, The Spanish Militant and Johnny Depp won’t be bullied by the thugs on your website, ronin. Seeing as there is no chance that you will stop referring to me as “The Limey” in your responses, then I will continue to refer to you as Frank the ronin. Patooey on you!
I recommend you and your fellow monsters visit Cardiff City Football Club’s official website. There you and your isolated ronin friends will see a true sport. A sport superior to that terrible baseball. Everyone knows that baseball is a rip-off of rounders. Have you and the other right-wing Americans even heard of rounders? I doubt it. Most of the conservatives and fascists over there can’t even locate France on a map and those same conservatives and fascists haven’t even got a brain! Not all Americans are ignorant, racist or stupid though, ronin. There are lots of good Americans. From brilliant political people like Michael Moore and Gore Vidal to great bands like Green Day, Offspring, Audioslave and the now disbanded Rage Against the Machine. And we can’t forget how beautiful women like Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Beyonce are. And we can’t forget Alicia Silverstone (especially when she was younger!). But I have to say I ! can’t stand these women’s music. But they are great to look at! It’s just a shame that vicious newspapers like the Wall Street Journal (I bet the ronin knows the editor) have to make out that people like Michael Moore don’t exist and are in a minority. That’s propaganda, ronin. That’s one of the things Rage Against the Machine protested about. Don’t believe me, ronin? Well go and buy one of their albums.
And another thing. Maybe I should remind those ignorant, racist, middle-class, stupid, sexist, homophobic, greedy, patriotic, brainwashed, right-wing, uncultured fanatics on your site (whose also go on simonworld.mu.nu and pretend to be me!) [Ed note: he’s refering to this] THAT I AM FROM ENGLAND! Not WALES! Wales is a good country but I am from ENGLAND! Some fascists in your “comments” section a couple of days ago were talking as if I was from Wales. Many thanks to my coalition members for informing me of their ignorance. Are you from CANADA Frank the ronin? No! And I know you’re not. You’re an isolated, toothless backwoodsman in the deep south who has never talked to a black person. That’s why I don’t say you’re from Canada! I think, no yucky-boo it, I know you would be offended if I said you were Canadian so your friends should shut their flippy-dippy mouths and get to their doctor quickly! Maybe their depression is getting worse. They’re depressed that your stupid president is going to lose the elect! ion in November. Their neurosis is getting worse by the hour.
I hate your sarcasm on the last response, ronin. I could see you were about to call me a “you know what” also known as George W. Bush’s middle name. I never fell for your trick – I knew you hadn’t changed, ronin. I remember in one of the earlier responses you tried to get me to read one of your fascist poems. That didn’t work either!
I couldn’t imagine you the redneck promoting left-of-centre values. Jesus! I’ll probably have nightmares of that one day! I’m glad that you unbanned the coalition from posting on your boring website, ronin. But you know what ronin? You dishonorable ronin! You shouldn’t have floopy-snoopy banned them in the first dag’burn place you ronin. That’s my coalition you ronin! Don’t you ever wacky-smacky do that hippy-dippy thing ever a-floofengoogle-gain! You fascist ronin! That’s an attack on democracy you ronin! Yucky-boo you! Did you ban the Spanish Militant cos he’s not from America? That’s not fair. A Spanish person shouldn’t have their rights crushed by some vicious bastard!
Seeing as you hate the French I thought I would educate you with three reasons for you to LIKE the French…
1, They are excellent at soccer (as you call it)
2, Have you ever had some red wine from France? Get some Bordeaux wine down you! It’ll make a change from having your two-toed sloth dance on a barstool!
3, Unlike you and your fascist friends, the French know the capital cities of major countries.
If I wanted a joke I’d ask you the capital of Norway!
It’s OSLO by the way.
OSLO.
O-S-L-O.
OSLO…There you are. You’re learning now.
Oh and the capital of your country is Washington. No Frank it’s not near Oklahoma!!!!!!!!!! Washington is a long, long way from the bigots of rural Texas. It’s on the east coast. There you go! No not Seattle, Washington! That Washington is a state in the west! Kurt Cobain was from there. You don’t know who Nirvana was! Oh I give up!
I was not too young to remember reviews of Falling Down! Stop that patronising flibberty-gibble! I am twenty years old. I don’t know how old you are and don’t really care but I do know that your views on the death penalty, abortion, poverty, racism, sexism, ageism, homophobia and gypsies and many other things are very, very old. You are embarassingly right-wing. Did you know that?
YOU’RE AN EMBARASSMENT. GROW UP!
I see some of the fools on your website were pretty unhappy last week when they didn’t get a mention along with the stupid idiots known as Adam, Sarah K, Sandor at the Zoo and Liberty Bob.
So here’s some other evil reactionaries who deserves a good beating…
IT’S NAME AND SHAME TIME…
DAVE IN TEXAS
There you go, ronin you got a mention. This guy is a big time ronin. Along with Frank, this crazy farmer likes nothing better than having a two-toed sloth dance on a barstool! This freak lives on incest. His sister is also his granny! This maniacs philosophy to foreign afairs is embarassingly narrow-minded…
“If it’s not American then bomb it!”
Frank when you got to the doctor, get this guy an appointment!
TOOTHLESS REDNECK
Another nutcase. So crazy that when he was in high-school and his teacher asked him what their ambition was in life, he said…
“To bomb Canada in the name of God!”
An interesting thought: Maybe this creep is toothless cos he was a victim of U.S. privatization of dentists. It’s something worth considering.
STICKY B
Another contender for 2004 Idiot of the Year. What a terrible name to use on the net!
ROCKYNOGGIN
Stupid name. Nearly as bad as Sandor at the Zoo. Sandor at the Zoo – what the smuckers does that mean?
CLANCY
This bastard is more racist than an American soldier in 1960’s Vietnam. Didn’t take too kindly to Mr. Depp using his/her name and pretending to join the coalition. This freak needs beating ti death with his/her own shoes! Yucky-boo you Clancy! Ronin!
Anyway seeing as you like wrestling (I know because you have Smackdown written on the image above every one of my emails) and that’s one of the few things I have in common with you, I’d like to express my delight at the two heavyweight champions in W.W.E. at present.
Eddie Guerrero…
A Mexican. (Frank the ronin won’t like a foreigner having the world title. And a foreigner who used to have a drug problem. Religious Frank and his church-going friends won’t approve of this) Shame that the system – with all the politics at W.W.E. had to make him conform to the ancient stereotypes. When are you right-wing Americans going to grow up? I bet you and all the other on your site that follow wrestling actually think that all Mexicans lie, cheat and steal.
Chris Benoit…
A Canadian. About time this guy had the heavyweight title. I was starting to think it would never happen.
Atleast it pisses you off to see two foreigners having so much success.
I’m gonna go now, ronin. I’ll let you get back to masturbating over the flag of the United States! But you’ll hear from me again soon. No doubt about it. I’ll email you when it pleases me. You see I do what I want when I want and there’s not a damn thing you or your friends can do about it!
SATURDAY 1ST MAY 2004 IS MAYDAY!
THE PEOPLE’S DAY!
DEMOCRACY NEEDS TO BE INSTALLED ACROSS THE WORLD!
REGIMES LIKE BUSH AND BLAIR’S OVERTHROWN!
THE AMERICAN FLAG BURNT!
CAPITALISM WILL SUFFER!
MCDONALDS WILL SUFFER!
THE PEOPLE WILL SPEAK!
WE WILL RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE!
FIGHT THE SYSTEM!
THE RED SOCIALIST FLAG WILL FLY!
REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION!
SATURDAY 1ST MAY 2004!
American Frank, enthralled by his acceptance by The Limey, further proclaims his continued resolve to support socialism in his backwoods home:
Yay! It’s limey! I’m glad you’re so happy with me becoming a socialist. How can I make my e-mails red like yours to show my solidarity? Anyway, praise to XTREME ONE, Carl, Spanish Militant, and Christian Slater! They are my brothers in the socialist uprising and totally not just made up!
I have looked up this Cardriff team, limey, and am very impressed with their metric football abilities. I’m still worried that evil capitalistic baseball people will hit them with their bats. And I have not heard of rounders. I feel foolish and ignorant and less socialist for it. I shall look up rounders and start a rounders team at work…. wait, two teams! Then we can play each other in the cornfield. Does rounders have checking in it? I like hitting people.
One of these days I will find France on a map and be smart like Michael Moore and Gore Vidal (is he related to Al Gore?). And praise the radical leftist revolutionary music of Green Day! To us will be left all of America’s hot women. I’ll take Britney Spears, and you, limey, can have Christina Aguilera because I think she’s skanky.
I won’t buy any of Rage Against the Machine’s albums, though, limey, as that will only support capitalism. I do have their song from the end of the Martix, though.
WAKE UP!
WAKE UP!
That song really speaks to me… especially in the morning.
And I know you don’t live in a wale, limey; that’s silly. Pinocchio was once in a wale, though. Served him right for being a product of the capitalistic Geppetto. And it would be silly to say I live in Canada; only meese live there. It’s basically a barren wilderness where we store our toxic waste. No person could possibly survive there.
And I did talk to a black person just today. I said, “Hey, black person.” He’s my boss. I found out from him that black people don’t like it if you make fun of Aquaman. I also wrote a letter to Condoleezza Rice. She’s black too! I’ll make sure not to mention Aquaman to her.
I don’t know what sarcasm you’re talking about or what word you think I’m going to call you, limey. I’m a serious committed socialist, and you know that. To prove it, watch this:
Yay socialism!
Would a capitalist have written that? No way. And it’s good you didn’t read that fascist poem “The Jabberwocky”. It would have fascitized you faster than you could say “Callooh! Callay!” It was penned by Fascist McFascist himself while eating the apricots he denied his starving peasants. We, the socialist revolutionaries, will hunt down Fascist McFascist and make him pay! He will have eaten his last apricot, by gumbo! We will burn all his poems too! Let’s burn lots of things! Not rocks, though, because they don’t burn well.
And I’m sorry my old capitalistic self banned your friends who are definitely not just you posting under different names. It will never happen again that I am now an uber-socialist! And praise to France and their metric football abilities. If only more of the world listened to them, we’d have much more cheese!
Wow! I never even heard of Norway, and now I know its capital! You are so kind to teach me all these new things, limey. I have a friend named Oslo; I’ll have to ask him if he’s from Norway. Then I’ll punch him for being a capitalist! Be angry at the machine!
I know Kurt Cobain! He blew his brains out with a shotgun! That’s hard! If you hold a shotgun to your head, limey, it’s a long reach to the trigger. You could saw off the barrel, but then you’d have an illegal sawed-off shotgun. Boy would you be in trouble then.
I knew you were twenty years old, limey; your maturity shows through in your elegant prose about socialism.
I’m sorry my website has attracted so many horrible bad people who are capitalists. I would ban them, but they are mean and scary! What do I do, limey my friend? I want to be a socialist revolutionary, but some capitalists are scary! Scarier than Aquaman!
Are you sure you didn’t make up those two wrestlers, limey? I think you sometimes make up names. That’s okay, because even the made up people support our socialist revolution!
Well, limey, I’m glad you’ve accepted me as one of your revolutionaries. I can’t wait until May 1st for capitalism to fall! Until then, keep up the fight in your home in Wales.
Revolutionarily,
Socialist Frank
P.S. I wrote you a poem:
Why do I fight fascism?
Am I courageous enough to succeed?
Never will I quit!
Kill all those who oppose us!
Every capitalist must fall!
Right will give us might!
I hope you liked it even though it was free verse. Viva la revolution!
Will American Frank continue to be hypnotized by the wiles of socialism? Will The Limey further encourage him? What will happen on May 1st? Find out in the continuing adventures of…
THE LIMEY!
Keep on Lime’n
Our Military VII
I’m starting to run out of anecdotes, so, if you have any more, e-mail me with the subject “Military”. I’m trying to get some from my non-lazy Dad from his experiences in Germany and Vietnam, and I’ll see if my lazy brother Joe foo’ the Marine has anything to say from his tank experience.
Scott from the State of North Carolina writes in defense of the Air Force and inter-branch harmony:
I’ve got to defend the Air Force a little here. I realize the majority of people in the Air Force are not required to bring the battle to the enemy on the ground and will never be asked to do so. Our people are well taken care of and, by everyone’s admission; we contain the some of the brightest enlisted and officer corps of all the services.
I’ve partaken in a little service rivalry from time to time, but I will never forget the honor of the Marines, the ruggedness of the Army or the perseverance of the Navy (what else would you call six months away from friends and family) because it’s all done in good fun, for the most part. But I’ve got to take issue with the comment about how silly it was that the AF NCOs were taking out trash. As an NCO, I lead my troops, they are not my servants, and I never ask them to do anything I would not do myself, I would not belittle them and refuse to take out the trash because it was “below me”. We don’t have a huge amount of lower enlisted men and women, our people are busy and overworked, we do what we have to do to make things happen, if I have to take out the trash to take some of the burden off my airmen, I will do so. I’ve been told by leaders I respect that my airmen have only been loaned to me, and it is my responsibility to return them in the same or better shape than when they arrived.
I know some Marine NCOs, Army NCOs and Naval NCOs, and most I have known would agree with me. There are some in every branch that sink to the level that their troops are there to serve them, but, in my experience, they never make it too far and they are not well respected among their peers.
Why focus on how good you are at pool and being a dick to fellow servicemen when your branch has taken part in the great struggles of this nation and obtained victory? Why sneer about someone with more rank than you taking out the trash when your service was named “Devildogs” by its greatest enemies?
Service rivalry is a good thing and those who have served should take part, but don’t forget where you come from and don’t brag about your toughness, actions speak louder than words. Recent events prove as much, Marines have balls of steel, they don’t need to tell us that fact. Service members should provide insight not vitriol for this forum.
One other thing, there is no Sergeant rank in the Air Force, that’s a Senior Airman (E-4), and that rank is the same as a Corporal. In the good ole days there were Buck Sergeants, but that rank no longer exists. A Staff Sergeant (E-5) in the Air Force equals a Sergeant in the Marines and there is no such thing as a Master Technical Sergeant. There is a Technical Sergeant (E-6) and a Master Sergeant (E-7).
Just my two cents.
Timmer has some good things (and a few bad things) to say about all the branches of the military:
Master Sergeant, United States Air Force, I’ll have 20 years in July and the last 6 years have been in joint assignments so I’ve been around all branches of the service, not just my own near and dear Air Force.
First of all, without a doubt, the United States has the best armed forces in the world. Why? Because we’re Americans and as Americans we never lose our sense of independence and our ability to, ummm, adapt the rules when they’re in the way of getting the job done. If we’d ever gone against the Soviets, we’d have been hurt, but we’d have won. All we had to do was take out their officers and they’d have been clueless.
There isn’t an American enlisted person who doesn’t KNOW that they’ve got a better idea. I know that most of the world considers us arrogant, I just refuse to aplogize for having our act together.
Air Force. Enlisted corps is mostly made up of very smart and smart assed personnel. The smart assed part never quite wears off. However, after a deployment or a Temporary Duty or a short tour to locations unpleasant, they also usually get it. What’s “it?” It is knowing that what you’re doing affects a LOT of different people and if you screw up, someone could die, or worse, not get paid. We’re in the country club of the armed forces and we know it. A lot of that comes from not carrying a gun and/or getting shot at very often. We have the best food. We have the best quarters. We also work on multi-million dollar systems and have more and take more responsibility than some other branches.
Air Force Officers trust their enlisted personnel with their lives and their careers. We live up to that or we get out or we get asked to leave. It’s not our job to be “hard core.” It’s our job to make sure the systems we work on are hard core.
Navy. They’re smart and they know it. They somehow think that crusing around the ocean all crammed together makes them better at what they do,
having never done that, I’ll not give judgement. I will say their
Senior Non Coms have got it right. They run things, they know it, so does everyone else including the Captain of the boat. Navy Officers are stuffier than other officers. Some of them simply don’t know how to relax around their enlisted folks. Oh…and submariners and carrier squids are crazy. No, really. Bubbleheads (submariners) are just plain weird. And Carrier Operations make us Air Force types cringe. 18 hours of non-stop air operations on a boat?! IN-FREAKING-SANE! I’m glad they’re out there.
Army. Two kinds of enlisted folks. The dumb ones and the wicked smart ones who act dumb. Never underestimate the Army. The quiet guy who’s been acting clueless for the past six months will come up with just the right way to work a problem just when it matters. Army officers trust their enlisted folks once they figure out what kind they have. The Army does have an annoying habit of “banishing” their truly clueless to the staff level. Not all of them, they don’t want to make it obvious, but the deal is, if they can’t make it in the field, then they sort of get recommended to a staff job. Having known Army guys off-duty, I know they find this funny.
Marines. I’ve worked for Marines and I’ve worked with Marines and I’ve had Marines work for me. Read this carefully and try to understand it fully. Absolutely nobody does it better than the Marines. Their officers trust their NCOs from ALL branches of the servie without hesitation and have very high expectations. They’re hard to work for, but you know exactly what they expect and they’re better at sharing credit on a project than any other officers I’ve ever met. Working with Marines can be hard, they’re freaking tireless. Supervisiing Marines is an absolute joy. They do what they’re told when they’re told to do it and they never question their orders. That makes supervising them very difficult too. You have to be careful what you say…they may think it’s an order.
Finally, Mike write about Dolly Parton and the misunderstood coolness of tanks:
Hi Frank,
I’ve got a couple of items.
Dolly Parton is something of a military icon. Two examples I’m aware of: the Russians came out with an improved t-72 that had extra armor on the turret front, which made two noticable bulges. It was dubbed the “Dolly Parton Special.” At Ft. Hood, on one of the tank ranges, there is a large, round hill. It is named, naturally, “Dolly Parton.” I bet Dolly would get a kick out of this.
Here’s an amusing tale, for your “dumb-ass tankers”
file. My Guard tank company was on a range for gunnery qualification (at the above mentioned range, in fact). I was hanging out with some of my buddies in our sleeping area when this Deuce-and-a-half drove by. In it were a bunch of female soldiers (who, we found out later, were nurses). They drove by slowly, and we all stared at each other. Then they continued on down to a covered structure that we used as a briefing and eating area. They got out there and hung out with the guys who were observing tanks. Then they left abruptly. We found out later what happened.
Everything was all nice and flirty until a tank in the first firing position fired. This position was VERY close, and thus very loud. All the tankers started yelling “Woooo!” “Hooo-ah!” “Yeee-haw!” and similar sentiments. Meanwhile, the nurses nearly flinched out of their skins and covered their delicate ears. One more round, and they’d had enough and split. The tankers shrugged and went back to cheering the big booms.
One of the guys made a recording of one of the crews in action (there was a radio monitoring their intercom, for evaluation), and got a great sound of the tank firing. A long, reverberating “booooooooom!”
He took this tape to parties. He said other people (i.e. non-tankers) didn’t seem to understand why it was so cool.