Hello all,
The Doctor is IN!!
It’s been a while since Dr. Duck has answered your questions. In this topsy turvy world it’s easy to get overwhelmed: natural disasters- Islamic rage – hunting accidents.
Sometimes it can be a bit much.
Do YOU have a question you need to ask? Relationship advice? Career counsel? The perfect recipe? Can’t find your sunglasses?
Ask Dr. Duck is now up and taking questions. Answers will be posted on Friday.
Disclaimer: Dr. Duck is not a real doctor. If you think I’m a real doctor, you’ve had your nervous system excited by too many Danish cartoons. No attempt should be made to help any of the IMAO advice seekers as they can sometimes bite. No sudden moves. No eye contact, please. Please do not feed the IMAO staff. Dr. Duck has extensive training (I took ESL in Junior College) and should be trusted unquestioningly with all of his answers. Should any of my advice resemble the advice of a professional – that would be frickin’ hilarious! Scary – but hilarious.
Dear Dr. Duck,
What is the perfect recipe? How can it be perfect? A perfect recipe presupposes that no further recipes are necessary – wouldn’t that spell the end of new recipes, fixing all foods in an immutable form (assuming you’re referring to a recipe for food and not psychoactive chemicals)? Do we want or need a perfect recipe? Did the perfect recipe exist a century aga? If so, how did any further advances in the culinary sciences occur?
(continued)
If no further culinary advances occurred, how did microwave pizza come about? Was it the result of intelligent design or natural selection? What evidence is there for microwave pizza predecessors? Have microwave pizzas been identified in the fossil record? Possible ancestors uncovered, earlier, more primitive forms that may have evolved into the modern microwave pizza?
(continued)
Is it constitutional to teach the perfect recipe in Pennsylvania, or does it violate the separation of kitchen and state? Will an amendment be required to allow the discussion of the perfect recipe? Is the perfect recipe neutral to religion? Does it contain pork? Does it contain beef? Does it contain those little seeds that get stuck between your teeth? Does it contain beets (I love beets)? Is the perfect recipe kosher? Is it halal? Does it contain Irish babies? Is it available in a twelve pack? With croutons? Do I have a coupon for it? Eat in or take-out? Do I want fries with it?
Dear Dr Duck,
Is there anything you can do to get the ad with Cindy Sheehan off of this site. I’m tired of looking at that smiling piehole every time I visit.
Thanks,
McCoy
Dr. Duck,
What happens when Harvey runs out of states?
Dear Doc Duck,
Should I go for the Glock 36, or press for a Smith & Wesson Sigma? (I am assuming 9mm). Or should I just be content with a Luger Mk II .22LR?
I would hope when Harvey runs out of states to anger, he would move onto other countries, like the peaceful utopian paradise of North Korea, or Iran.
What is the meaning of life?
Dear Dr. Duck,
Why?
And a followup:
Why anything?
What brand of tinfoil do you think I should make my hat from? Personally, I usually go with Reynolds Wrap(the 75 sq. in. rolls–you can make more layers, and they’re tighter!!). If you have any recommendations, please let me know. I have a speech at UC Berkeley tomorrow. Thanks
Sincerely,
Cindy Sheehan
Dear Dr. Duck,
Could you cut David Gregory and mess up his face so he’s not so eager to mug for the cameras? He definitely qualifies as a stupid Gringo. I mean, you’ve obviously already done this to Helen Thomas.
Dear Dr. Duck,
I’m out in the field hunting; all I have on me is a double barreled 12 guage shotgun. Suddenly all the following simultaniously pop out of the brush: Ted Kennedy, an ACLU lawyer, a reporter from the New York Slimes, Osama Bin Laden and Cindy Sheehan. Who warrents the shot? Ted is the largest target, but I’m using medium shot, and I’m not sure it would fully penitrate all those layers of fat, and I’m worried that the hot lead may ignite the thick alcohol fumes eminating from his skin, setting him off like a fuel-air bomb.
What is the incubation period required for a crappy rock tune to become a classic rock tune, and is there any way to stop this blight on our popular culture?
Followup:
How gay am I for having ever liked Styx? I mean, holy crap!
I think I found Spacemonkey’s glasses. How much should I hold them for randsom?
Dr. Duck,
How come last I did this I never got an answer from you?
-James
Dear Dr. Duck,
We have established that it is no great sin to shoot a lawyer by accident. What about on purpose?
And is it OK to use an M16A2 and issue ammunition, or is that considered misuse of military property?
Finally, what is your position on shooting reporters?
Wolfman:
Shoot Kennedy. Of he goes up like one of those barrels in DOOM, you might get a bonus 2 or 3 target by frag damage. There is sound science here.
You know how hitting the water at speed is little different than hitting concrete? Well, flying fat globules, propelled fast enough, should adhere to the same principle, created an effect similar to an exceptionally gross frag grenade.
Oh great and wise RWD, I have noticed a marked increase in linkage from the blender of puppies who shall not be named. Why is the mighty Frank J (may his name be praise) consorting with the blender of puppies? Also can you give me directions to a good Chinese restaurant?
Dear Dr. Duck,
Another office question from the collections department groupie:
I’ve got HR considering the big Italian guys as assistants in my collection duties, but if this comes through, I’ll need a cool car, not only one that looks cool, but can handle the crappy weather in Minnesota and still not be to pricey for our finance office. What style/model car should I request?
Sincere thanks!
Sarasmom
Dear Dr Duck,
Is it possible to fake the funk on a nasty dunk?
And…
Is there a wrong way to eat a reeses peanut butter cup?
Dear Dr. Duck,
Why in God’s name did Ted Kennedy name his Portuguese water dog “Splash”? Is this a Rove-ian conspiracy, or is he just getting paid directly by satirists?
We saw the pattern of birdshot from Chaney’s hunting accident! How come we didn’t get to see the pattern Monika Lowinskey sustained when Bill Clinton shot her in the face
Dr. Duck,
What possible accessories or modifications could we concoct for the clue bat? I’m thinking of inventing clue nunchucks.
ooops…i forgot to say
Dear Dr. Duck
Dr. Duck,
How many moonbats does it take to formulate one rational thought?
Dr. Dr. Duck,
How can I get anyone with an IQ over 50 to listen to my show? Faking ratings and funding didn’t do the trick. Only 5% of the population isn’t enough to convert the country into a communist state.
Al Franken,
Radio Pinko…err..Free America
P.S….Cindy, you don’t want to use tin foil on your head…it blocks out the alien signals. They give me my best ideas!
Hadassa? Hadassa? I lost my brain. Can anybody help me find it?
Thanks,
Charles Schumer
Why does a certain monkey from space keep misspelling my name?
Poo-flinging bastard.
Dr. Duck,
Why is it that I keep screwing up in the olympics? Is it Bush’s fault?
Thanks,
Bode Miller
If a monkey flings poo and no one is around, do the leftards still blame George Bush?
Why can’t I stop playing World of Warcraft? I asked this before and you did not help me. Now my problem is even worse!
aelfheld,
One word: chocolate.
Dear Dr. Duck,
It’s a well-known fact that all gringos are just a little crazy. But since I’m half gringo, have I always been half crazy? Or at some vague half-way point in my life will I snap and start acting more loco?
Seth
Dear Dr. Duck,
My cousin had a baby before 2 a.m. yesterday morning. I was not informed until 6 p.m. that evening, over 16 hours later. My cousin didn’t call me personally to tell me the news either; my dad called me. He gets home from work at 5 p.m. so even if he didn’t get the message until then, he still didn’t call me right away. Should I suspect a cover-up of my cousin’s baby and demand my dad’s impeachment and my cousin’s resignation?
Dear Doctor Duck,
My girlfriend came home yesterday with explosive diarrhea and claims she didn’t go to Taco Bell for lunch. I don’t know who to trust, the girlfriend or the doodie.
-Brown in PA
Dear Doctor Duckiekins…
If I accidently shoot my friend Spacemonky in the face with a water gun, how long do I have to wait before telling David Gregory so that his head will explode from the intense rage of not being told sooner of this important news item?
follow up: Will that time be shortened if I do an interview with Brit Hume before telling the White House Press Corps?
Dear Mr. Duck
Would you go hunting with Dick Cheney?
– Minty Fresh in CT
Dear Dr. Duck,
Who would win in a fight between Dr. Angus and that freaky Burger King?
Dear Dr. Duck,
I can’t hide it any longer. It’s time to come out of the closet. I voted for Jimmy Carter in 1980. Can I be forgiven for this?
Dear Dr. Duck,
Should I major in Computer Science, or Mathematics?
Thanks!
Dr. Duck,
Who wins if Miyamato Musashi and Chuck Norris get in a fight?