Graphic violence is so wonderful! Let us praise the graphic violence warning! We’re gonna be really disappointed one day if there’s not graphic violence.
Previously on 24, Jack got stoopid and tricked by Robocop, Audrey made me almost like her, and Lynn went cuckoo for cocoa puffs, so Curtis jacked his position. Mr. Logan didn’t save his wife, but CTU and Aaron did (3 terrorists, 3 bullets, 3 kills). The terrorist threatened President Estrogen.

Tony is awake! EEEEEEEE! Did you hear me smiling out loud? Tony’s asking for Michelle, because he doesn’t know she’s dead. “Bill, can you get a message to Michelle? Tell her I’m ok?” “I would, Tony, but I don’t have a ouija board handy. I’ll just say that her condition is stable. And will be stable forever.”
Everybody shhhhh! Aaron is going to speak! There are the Suvarovs, in one piece. Martha is crying, and Aaron is all business. Wuh-oh, Marty told Aaron that President Estro knew about the attack and let it happen. I hope Aaron goes all-business on Estro.
Terrorist guy is ordering a lackey to make sure everything is set, and then they’re checking on the key card. Yeah, ’cause Rudy’s sister’s boyfriend beat him up and stole it and is using it to cut cocaine.
Estro is talking in hindsight about what a sucky president he is. Thanks for the newsflash.
Jack’s calling to tell that he got duped. Chloe’s hacked into Robocop’s computer and found his address for Jack. Robo is calling Argentina to get access to his safety deposit box.
Curtis has found a schematic on one of the dead terrorists that Aaron killed. They’re hoping it’s the next attack’s locale. I hope they figure out that it’s CTU.
Soul-patch Tony has had enough of no one telling him that Michelle is dead. So he’s like screw this, I’m getting out of bed and finding out myself. Bill finds him at a computer, where Tony is accessing Michelle’s file to find out that she’s deceased. Which totally sucks, by the way. I hate the writers! If I find out y’all killed Michelle to make way for a Soul Patch-Neckid Mandy love affair, I’m gonna be so mad. And I’ll be even madder if it turns out that Kim dumps Chase for Tony, because my mind’s eye can’t handle those visualizations. Bleh.
Estro is meeting a helicopter (Marine 1?) that’s carrying Martha and Aaron back from the wreckage. Martha is giving Estro that “don’t you dare touch me ever again” look, and he’s totally frightened. The Suvarovs are ticked, and the Russian president is not happy with Estro’s poor security. Estro’s asking for his cooperation and intelligence (God knows Logan doesn’t have any of his own), and Suvarov mentions that Martha’s been acting funny. Estro, of course, says she’s nuts, and Suvarov storms off. I don’t think S. believes Estro.
Mikey is asking Bill to let him call his sister, and wow, what for? So she can bring him another quarter-pounder? Because Mikey has eaten about 30 quarter-pounders since the previous episode and will soon be forced to do the truffle shuffle if he wants to go through any doors (really, it’s a major swelling in the last week). Here’s hoping he doesn’t break his mom’s most favorite piece.
His sister wants to give him back the keycard, but her class-act boyfriend wants to sell it for 20 Gs to the highest bidder. And that terrorist guy who’s coming to collect the keycard and kill the sister and boyfriend (right, like he’s gonna let them live) — he’s been on ALIAS at least once, and I’m thinking more than once. I wanna say he played a guy named Yuri, but I couldn’t be sure.
Anyway, Evelyn won’t let Estro into see Marty. “She specifically told me that if any pansy Frenchmen come looking for her, I should spray them with teargas and stomp on their faces with my stiletto heels. Back away from the door, because I’m sure she was describing you.” Of course, Evelyn still hasn’t told Marty why Walt felt her up several episodes back. “Woops, I told him to.”
What a girl. He can’t even handle a woman, how can he be expected to handle a terrorist? Frank says women are worse than terrorists. Well that’s true, but we’re also prettier. Worth it.
There’s a hospital that matches the schematics that CTU is looking at, and there is a terrorist setting up a canister at a hospital. He’s super sneaky and wheeling the nerve gas in under a gurney.
Jack is breaking into Robocop’s house.
Curtis is giving the hospital the skinny and is on his way to help. The guy in charge doesn’t seem to be in a huge hurry, I wonder if he’s involved.
Jack’s talking to Robo’s wife now, and she’s quite sure he won’t shoot her. Yeah? I shot my ex-girlfriend, I can shoot you too. He’s at Robo’s computer, and Chloe’s on the line.
Aaron goes to see Martha, and they’ve decided to run away together. No wait. She’s just thanking him for saving her life. No wait! She grabbed his hand! And Mike came in to destroy the nice moment. He wants to inform Martha that Estro really wants to talk to her. Marty’s like, “So? I’m due for a pedicure soon. Pencil him in for never, mkay?” And Mike leaves, and Aaron’s chasing after him going, “But nothing happened!” and Mike is going, “Make sure it doesn’t!” and Aaron’s going, “But she’s so awesome, and she’s married to that Brokeback twit, and why can’t I quit her??”
Curtis is at the hospital, and there are ICU patients who can’t be moved. Why isn’t Rico Suave wearing his gas mask? I would be much more comfortable if he were. The evil gurney terrorist is calling his boss and telling him that they’re evacuating the hospital and his boss is like, “Die if you have to. As long as I get my posh condo on the beach, and you kill a bunch of people, I have no preference whether you live or die.”
Man. When there’s not much Audrey, there’s not much to make fun of. Estro is a one trick pony. “Wah wah wah!” That’s about all he does.
Bill and Audrey are on the phone with Estro and Mike. Jack is trying to convince Robo’s wife that Robo’s bad. “Why do you hate him so much?” “Hmm, I dunno, he tried to make my internal organs external today. Tried to kill me even though I’m already dead like 3 times… I don’t hate him. Love the sinner, hate the sin.”
And Rico Suave is still walking through the hospital without a gas mask. They think they have a 20 on the hostile. Look at me with my cop talk. I think I got that from CSI Miami.
Rico just shot some guy dressed in hosptial whites. What, just because he had a gun? That’s prejudice! Finally, Rico put his gas mask on, and they’ve found the armed canister. It looks bad, like it could go off.
Interesting. I’m only moments away from a new X-Men trailer. Lovely how they make a commercial that’s about an upcoming commercial. “In a minute, we’re going to show you an ad. You watch it!”
Chloe is in ready-to-snap mode. She’s even got tears, and she’s very frantic. This should be fun.
Jack has Robo at gunpoint with his disbelieving wife. Jack shows wifey all the money in Robo’s briefcase, and she’s so surprised! Bad hubby! Tell him what he wants to know! He doesn’t, and Jack shoots wifey in the leg. “Jack, you shot me! Why didn’t you shoot him, he’s the terrorist!” “I thought he would love you, but he doesn’t. My bad! Here’s some cloth! Hold it there to stop the bleeding! Sorry about shooting you!”
Rico and his team get the canister to a containment unit with 2 seconds left! Whew, that was close! I can’t believe they cut it so close!
And Mikey’s sister and her boyfriend are killed by the terrorist who want’s MIkey’s keycard. Those stinking Fratellis! Let this be a lesson: drugs are bad!
That’s the end of the first hour. A very action-packed power hour!
And 6 p.m. has graphic violence!
The terrorist guy who shot Mikey’s sister picks up his casings and checks out the keycard in his SUV. Man, SUVs can do anything!
Ah crap. Kim Bauer has shown up at CTU. What a beating this will be: Kim and Audrey together in the same scenes. Time to gouge out my eyes. Jack tells Audrey to tell Kim that he’s alive. And now we find out that Chase has left Kim, and Kim’s with someone named Barry. And Audrey tells Kim, and Kim looks like a martyr. Oh yay, it’ll be just like ALIAS, where all the chicks are martyrs. I just can’t wait!
Ah, and we meet the vice president. WHICH MEANS ESTRO’S GONNA DIE OR RESIGN! Why else would we need to meet the vice president? And the Veep is giving revised estimates of the casualties. 400K is his estimate, and he wants to institute preemptive martial law. And you know, in California, they don’t have guns. So it’s not like they can riot, so why not do it? I mean, they can riot, but pounding their fists won’t do much.
Jack arrives at CTU with Robo, who tells Jack that he’ll be opening another whole box of Pandora’s if he investigates what’s up.
Yuri is at CTU, and Sydney Bristow is not around to pour her drink all over him. He gains access with the keycard, and the beep and boop take us to commercial.
Jack comes into the command center, and Audrey turns a cartwheel heading toward him. Whiney tells Jack where Kim is, and that she has a new boyfriend. Jack goes to see Kim, and his boyfriend fronts Jack. And Kim goes on and on about Barry, her new beau, whom I do not trust.
Terrorist Yuri is in CTU and headed toward the ventilation system. Well, I just didn’t see that one coming! Just like I didn’t expect the sun to rise in the morning! And Soul Patch Tony is talking to Bill, and you just KNOW that Tony’s gonna totally kick some pinkytoe later when it matters.
Audrey tells Jack that Barry was Kim’s psychologist. That Kim, she just can’t catch a break, because you know Barry was just after her to find out if Jack was alive. I wonder if Barry likes cougars.
Jack tells an extra to start Robo on some lie-detecting procedures, and Robo is so nervous about having to tell the truth. I hope he’s able to cope.
There’s another commercial for the commercial. Just do it already and pat yourselves on the back. If you don’t know how, ask Clooney for tips.
So now Martha goes for a smoke, and Mike comes to talk to her. He tells her that Estro needs her, prayed for her, etc. She tells him cut the crap and tell me what you want. He tells her about the martial law idea and says she should try to influence the president in a different direction. Well, at least Novick knows how to appeal to higher authorities (women).
Yuri is shutting down the ventilation system, and Carrie is very suspicious of the flag sent up by the environmental system. She brings it up with Edgar, who tells her to leave him alone. She puts on her red shirt and heads off to get dead.
Martha goes to see the president. I hope it’s so she can punch him in the face, or borrow some estrogen from him. But man, she’s actually forgiving him and telling him to get back to work. What a disappointment.
Carrie sees the canister, dials her phone, and gets stabbed in the back by that backstabbing Yuri. Bad backstabber!
The X-Men commercial isn’t even HD-enhanced. How lame for a commercial that advertised itself twice.
Back to the show. The nerve gas is going off in 15 minutes, and we’re 17 minutes from the end of the show. What timing!
Kim comes to see Chloe, surprised that Chloe still works there. Chloe blows off Kim, and Kim asks if Chloe knew about Jack. Chloe rants about how everyone who knew is either dead, injured, or her. So cut Jack some slack, will ya?
Bill tells Mikey that his sister is dead. Mikey freaks out about his keycard, and Bill calls Chloe to see if it’s been used. It has, and she locks down CTU. Jack is in with Robo when the alarms start sounding. Jack goes looking for a terrorist, and can we please see Soul Patch in action?
So they see the guy on the monitors, but they can’t find Carrie, because she’s kinda dead. Yuri grabs a red shirt security guard and is using him to get out of CTU. Meanwhile, the alarms are going off, and can someone please shut those stupid things off? Red shirt is dead, and Jack is on his way to find Yuri. Jack sees the radio missing off the red shirt and chatters falsely with Bill so Yuri will fall into Jack’s trap. Jack kills Yuri, Edgar lingers looking for Carrie and sees Carrie dead, and the gas goes off.
People start dropping like flies, they seal off 3 rooms and get most people into the sealed rooms, but some can’t make it, and Edgar is locked out. Edgar is dead, Chloe is crying, I am crying. Oh Edgar.
Goodnight.
Next week, someone else will die trying to get everyone out of CTU. I hope it’s Lynn. No offense, I love Sean Astin, but I do not love his character, and it’s all his fault that Edgar is dead.