Arizona Senator John McCain breathed new life into his presidential campaign today despite having lost most of the crucial players on the team. In an announcement at the Phoenix Home Depot, Senator McCain announced his bold decision to replace his key leaders with undocumented workers.
Senator McCain spoke before an excited crowd.
“Although I was disappointed to lose so many key people on my staff, it was for the best since I had trouble raising money and had very little cash on hand.” Some experts blame the poor fundraising on either the ever-eroding support for the Iraq war; others lay the blame at the hands of global warming.
When asked if the decision to use illegal aliens would further alienate his base the Senator responded enthusiastically. “There’s no way that would happen. I don’t feel that I’d lose one bit of support for die-hard conservatives who understand that I too am a die hard conservative with conservative values.”
Reports have it that with the hiring of 134 illegal alien workers, the McCain headquarters will be abuzz with positive activity. “Sure, we had to reach out to these folks. The first condition I had to meet for employment was to tear down the fence around my home. Just because I’m the legal owner, I didn’t want them thinking that I somehow consider it my property. By tearing down the fence, I feel a greater sense of security for myself and my family.”
Many political analysts have greeted the move with great joy. Said one commenter, “These illegal aliens will do the work Americans find beneath them: such as cleaning, gardening, and supporting a John McCain bid for a presidency.”
Although many of these workers are not paid very much, McCain staffers assured us that employment still has many benefits, such as free Emergency Room healthcare, all documents translated into Spanish, and a free education for any and all of these workers’ children.
Before departing the Home Depot Rally, Senator McCain urged all his followers (using Spanish interpreters) that, together, they can achieve a whole lot more. Mr. McCain’s Website now sports the new McCain slogan: Si Se Puede!