I explore this possibility in my latest Pajamas Media column.
Archive of entries posted on October 2009
Frank on Science!: Quantum Physics
One great way to get notice in Science! is controversy. Evolution gets a lot of controversy and attention, as people say it’s hard to believe and against the Bible. This has to frustrate scientists who work on quantum physics because it’s even harder believe and just seems like it has to be against something in the Bible, but no one seems to care. Teleportation, entanglement, uncertainty in measurement, multiple universes, subatomic particles being in two states at once until observed — it’s like the scientists want to be caught for just making stuff up. In fact, quantum physics is so unbelievable that it’s still much more likely that a bunch of scientists got drunk one day and made the whole thing up than that quantum physics is actually true.
So where is the outrage? Scientists are basically calling the universe — and thus God — a confused liar. The universe is in some confused, indeterminate state, and God is just randomly making it up as people observe it. Even Einstein had a religious objection to it (“God does not play dice with the universe.”). And how many people have actually seen these subatomic particles and seen them spin one way or the other like the scientists tell us? This is all not to say that quantum physics isn’t an official theory with the Science! stamp of approval, it’s just that you should probably protest it being taught to your kids, as something about it just seems immoral. Plus, they’re probably too stupid to understand it anyway.
Science!
Obama’s Enemies List
We’ve been hearing that Obama is making enemies lists just like Nixon, but people are wondering who would be on this list. I can’t tell you how, but I have obtained an official Obama enemies list and I print it here at IMAO exclusively.
OBAMA’S ENEMIES LIST
* FOX News
* Rush Limbaugh
* Glenn Beck
* Jake Tapper
* General McChrystal
* Joe Biden’s mouth
* The economy
* Brazil
* The Jews
* That guy at Starbuck’s who is always screwing up my order
* The dwarf planet Eris
* Optimus Prime
* Blue pens
* Malia Obama
* All other Nobel Peace Prize winners
* Jesus
* Capitalism
* Liberty
* The Constitution
* Americans
Palin’s Book
In case you didn’t know, Sarah Palin’s book Going Rogue: An American Life
Palin’s going to go on Oprah the day before the book comes out. I hear Oprah doesn’t plan on being nice to her, though, and will publicly name Palin the anti-Obama — or, in Oprah’s terminology, the Negative One.
The Warrior Song
What I really like about this song is that it’s in a cadence format, so the guys in uniform could sing this one while they’re marching around.
Had it been written 70 years ago, this is the song that General Patton would have sung in the shower.
Pass this one along to anyone you know in theater. Veteran’s Day is coming up. It’d make the perfect gift.
[hat tip: commenter Rain of Lead]
Random Thoughts
New nickname for Obama: Sissy Nixon
A lot of corruption in Alaska. I guess it’s like how kids feel they can get away with things when they sit at the very back of the bus.
The Dog Whisperer vs. Scooby Doo; that would be something. Maybe he could also stop those kids from being so meddlesome.
Since I’m a humor expert, if I tell you something is funny and you don’t find it funny, that means your brain is stupid.
Liberals don’t hate conservatives. They just lash out at them from misplaced rage from their hatred of liberty and America.
New DNA evidence proves that Video was falsely convicted and executed for killing the Radio Star.
My football readiness level is high.
I hope people use me to sell products long after I’m dead. “Zombie Frank J. says buy Charmin.”
Know what would be neat? A commercial of Ted Kennedy emerging from the water and explaining how DirectTV could have prevented this.
“If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take for advertising purposes.”
Boise State has to be the best team ever that doesn’t know how to snap a ball.
I think the biggest problem the Angels have had in playing the Yankees is how much they suck. They should be more like an angel of death and less like “Touched by an Angel.”
Relax, it’s an emergency
I am declaring a national emergency over the H1N1 virus. It’s an emergency, so I’m signing it now.
But, I’m going to wait until the next day to announce it. I mean, what’s the hurry?
We must take whatever steps we can to make sure that we have flu shots for everyone!
The rates of illness continue to rise rapidly within many communities across the nation, and the potential exists for the pandemic to overburden health care resources in some localities.*
There! Thatc ought to help get that health care bill through the Senate. You owe me one, Harry.
Lightning Round 10-23-09
The illustrated version of The Lightning Round from the 10-23-09 Fred Thompson Show (with FTS Producer Greg Tantum sitting in for Jeri Thompson):
Proof – UPDATED 10-26-09
That Obama would look completely awesome with an Evil Spock goatee:
UPDATE 10-26-09
I said an EVIL SPOCK goatee, not that prissy little moustache/beard combo that Lenin had:
No Thanks
The Democrats’ public option opt out plan is like being served a rotten egg and then being told you can opt out of eating the shell.
When Is Satire Mimicry?
A lot of people didn’t get the joke in my column against liberty. It was based on an actual WSJ column arguing against liberty by Thomas Frank, but I thought it became obvious it’s satire when I started arguing for slavery as the ultimate freedom — something Thomas Frank stopped short of. The Patriot Post put up part of it (excluding the slavery part), and look at all the comments condemning me. And when Fred Thompson linked to it (and called me “friend”; being a friend of Fred Thompson is equivalent to having super powers), even with a warning a few people didn’t get it. The thing is, it really seems like something a liberal would argue, because the central theme of all their government programs is that freedom is overrated. They just have too much sense to say that out loud — except for Thomas Frank.
Top Ten Ways Obama Could Be an Even Bigger Sissy
Obama has been a huge sissy lately with his dithering on foreign affairs and his constant whining about FOX News, but it could be worse. I’ve come up with ten ways that Obama could actually be an even bigger sissy:
TOP TEN WAYS OBAMA COULD BE EVEN SISSIER
10. Starts riding a Segway everywhere.
9. Becomes distressed by the mean things said on FOX News but also on FOX by the character House.
8. Appoints a pickle-jar-opening czar.
7. All his meetings with foreign leaders become nothing but crying and hugging.
6. Newest public address is his shortest ever: Just the words, “Stop being so mean to me!” before running away crying.
5. He constantly becomes publicly bossed around by his puppy Bo.
4. Always has to excuse himself for a new pair of pants when someone mentions Cheney’s disagreements with him.
3. He finds out how good he looks in sequins.
2. Declares Saw VI “too scary” and thus “not a real horror movie.”
And the number one way Obama could be even sissier…
Continue reading ‘Top Ten Ways Obama Could Be an Even Bigger Sissy’ »
Um… I’m Offended? – UPDATED 8:45pm
Somebody thought this illustration would be a great way to stick it to the man:
All I can say is that if we can’t have dinosaurs with laser cannons, I’d gladly settle for elephants with devil horns and missile launchers.
Which, by the way, was part of Dick Cheney’s original plan for Afghanistan.
UPDATE 8:45 PM – Super-secret spy photo of the Cheney Plan in action from confidential undercover informant Code Name “Michael”:
Cheney’s Full Plan for Afghanistan
Looks like Cheney is taking over our strategy for Afghanistan by yelling at Obama until he gives in again. Cheney said the Obama administration is just copying the plan he left them and calling it a new plan. I don’t think they’re copying the whole plan, though, because here’s what I found out was in it:
CHENEY’S PLAN TO DESTROY THE TALIBAN
* First wave is an increase in ground troops.
* Second wave is ground troops backed by skyscraper-sized robots who eat people.
* Third wave: Velociraptors.
* As the Taliban should be fleeing now, shoot them with space lasers.
* Also, nuke all countries around Afghanistan so there is no place to flee to.
* On second thought, nuke everything. Screw it all!
* Sell whatever is left at a discount to Halliburton.
* Drink a strong liquor while chuckling to self.
Lightning Round 10-22-09
The illustrated version of The Lightning Round from the 10-22-09 Fred Thompson Show: