Archive of entries posted on October 2009

Random Thoughts

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Point of Order: If you pretend you’re going to torture a terrorist and instead rickroll him, does that still count as torturing him?

Gitmo should really release a torture mix tape of preferred songs for annoying terrorists. That would sell like gangbusters on iTunes.

If I’m ever captured by the enemy, all they need to do is play some Kings of Leon and I’ll tell them anything.

Has a dog tilting its head ever worked? Has any dog ever suddenly gained understanding by viewing something at a 45 degree rotation? I tried that on a physics equation, and it only made it even more inscrutable.

If Community were any funnier, you’d only be able to watch it after living a lifetime right with Jesus.

Frank on Science!: Higgs Boson

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Scientists are currently searching for the Higgs boson — a massive scalar elementary particle — because if they find it they will prove once and for all that matter exists. Most people just seem to accept the existence of matter without contemplating the theoretical problems it causes, but scientists are not so foolish. If you ever wonder why scientists are so distant to their wives and children, it’s because until the Higgs boson is found, they can’t rationally be sure they’re there. Anyway, scientists are pretty sure the Higgs boson is out there, but to distinguish it from made up things people believe in, like the Tooth Fairy and morality, they need concrete proof.

To find the Higgs boson, scientists have constructed the Large Hadron Collider. The Small Hadron Collider, the Medium Hadron Collider, and the Fun-Size Hadron Collider all failed to locate the Higgs boson, but they’re pretty sure the Large one will do it. There is a small chance (one in six) that the Collider could create black holes and destroy the universe, but Science! has already shown we have 10^10^16 universes, so that’s not really a big deal.

Anyway, if you happen to see a Higgs boson, make sure to tell your nearest scientist. And be detailed in your description (height, weight, etc.).

Science!

The Inexplicable Alan Grayson

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So how do I parody this guy?

He basically called FOX News and the GOP enemies of America, peace, education, and everything good. How do can you even make that statement more extreme? It’s just so beyond the pale that you just can’t get angry. How can you possibly take that seriously? It’s like one of the trolls who comments obsessively to right-wing blogs became a Representative.

And the thing is, he’s in a district that leans Republican. Hasn’t anyone in the Democratic Party taken him aside and explained this to him?

DEMOCRAT: “You need to shut up, Grayson.”

GRAYSON: “But Republicans are evil. They want to kill people.”

DEMOCRAT: “Yeah, okay, but keep that to yourself. We need to keep your seat in 2010.”

GRAYSON: “Republicans are bad and hate puppies. I want to bite them.”

DEMOCRAT: “That rhetoric is not helpful.”

GRAYSON: “I think my toaster is a Republican. It was laughing at me. I smashed it good.”

DEMOCRAT: (shaking him) Shut up, you grinning idiot! Just shut up!

GRAYSON: “I make poopie!”

I don’t know where exactly the Democrats got this guy, but they should probably return him to his street corner so he can go back to shouting at birds.

Fred Thompson – For The Win!

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The Dems are renaming the public option:

The plan, called the “robust” option or “Medicare Plus 5” in the jargon that has emerged on Capitol Hill, ties provider reimbursement rates to Medicare, adding 5 percent. Leaders are planning to roll the bill out next week, and are hoping to vote the first week in November

Fred called this one on September 30th:


[YouTube direct link]

starts wrote:

The Senate Finance Committee voted down a public option amendment to the health care bill. Does that mean it’s finally dead?

Probably not. They’ll just change the name and put it back up again. So if you hear about the “super duper non-private double-happy health care delight option”, be suspicious.

Prescience is just one of The Fred’s many awesome powers.

Jesse Sharpton

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So Contessa Brewer mistakes Jesse Jackson for Al Sharpton:

Now, I called up MSNBC for an explanation, and they told me their official position is that all black people look alike. They’ve taken some steps to prevent problems, though. Like often you’d hear in the MSNBC studios something like, “Why is President Obama getting us all sandwiches?” And someone else would say, “No, that’s our intern Paul.” So now MSNBC requires every black person in their studios to wear a button saying, “Not Obama” (unless he is Obama, of course).

Still, I can see people getting Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton confused; they are kind of redundant. They’re both racial demagogues who like to stir up situations to get on TV, both quite inexplicably get treated like they’re each the king of black people instead of shunned like they scumbags they are, and both for unexplained reasons want to be called by the title “Reverend”. So, really, the best way to tell them apart is to remember that Al Sharpton is the fat one.

That’s my free tip for MSNBC.

Random Thoughts

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A fool-proof paternity test is to go back in time and kill who you think is your father and see if it creates a paradox.

If the Founding Fathers were so Smart, what’s with All the random capitalization of Words in the Constitution?

At least they didn’t randomly bold things and put things in caps. That’s nature’s way of telling you someone is an internet crank.

Why does spell check still tell me I should capitalize “internet”? Who capitalizes that word? Oh, I guess the Founding Fathers would.

I lived in Jersey for nine years. I still wake up screaming.

Over 8.5 million people live in NJ. What possible explanation is there for that? It’s not North Korea; you can leave any time!

I have a slogan that could turn the Virginia election around: “Creigh-zy for Creigh Deeds!”

Star Trek, Episode 41: “I, Obama”

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Captain’s log, stardate 4513.3. After having been taken over by an android, the Enterprise has been underway at warp 7 for four days. Now, we are entering orbit around a planet which has never been charted.


Beaming down to this Class K planet, we hope to find who is behind this takeover of my ship.


Welcome! Welcome, Captain, to you and your crew!


I don’t believe it. Barack Obama. How did you get here – we left you in custody on Rigel after that you were exiled from Earth…


A misunderstanding, to be sure. I prefer to say that I left Earth willingly, after spreading Hope And Change® all around. On Earth, I ruined — I mean ruled — but one nation. Here, I rule an entire planet.


How did you come to be the leader here? Did you reprogram the androids to vote for you?


Reprogramming androids is not all that different from reprogramming humans. Easier, even.


That is not logical. Androids do not have emotion. Therefore, they are immune to your emotional, but meaningless, phrases. And the logic circuits in the android brain would prevent them from voting from you if they analyzed what you say.


Wait. We did not analyze what he said. We voted for him because he said we should. This analyzing what a candidate says is a new concept to us. We will consider this.


Obama says that Fox News is merely a platform for the views of certain politicians. Yet he asks other news organizations to align themselves with his views. This means that Fox is not treated as a news organization because they represent an opposing political stance. But others are treated as a news organization if they represent his political stance. That is illogical. Illogical!


Obama took four months to pick out a dog, but wanted massive spending bills rushed through Congress in days. That is not logical.


When Americans did not have health insurance, Obama said Congress must rush through an expensive program without reading it. When American troops were in harms way and said they needed reinforcements, Obama did nothing. That is illogical.


Obama believes that government can run things better than private business. So he wants your life run by the same system that runs the IRS, the postal service, the TSA… that is not logical. Illogical! Illogical!


Obama’s logic is flawed. This is not acceptable. There is danger. You are in danger. You should leave.


Now see here. I have had enough of your shutting down, smoking out your ears, and calling me illogical. I rule this planet and I will not stand for this.


No, it is we who will not stand for this. Your logic has caused malfunctions to androids here, just as it caused malfunctions to your country on Earth. We have devised a punishment for you — one that will keep you under control without causing you harm.


Barack! Barack Hussein Obama! Where have you been? What have you been up to? Nothing good, I’m sure – well, let me tell you, you lazy, good-for-nothing–

Where Are Our Lasers?

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So when are we getting laser rifles? I don’t know. The amount of things I have that I really want to shoot with a laser keeps growing and no progress is ever made on the list. It’s almost 2010; back in the ’80s I assumed that year I’d be driving around in my flying car shooting stuff with a laser. But no dice.

So why not? Well, what I blame for this is… um… immigrants childhood obesity the removal of Pluto from the list of planets blog commenters. Your ignorant comments are impeding Science! If you only spent more time thinking out smart things to say before posting on blogs, we’d probably all have lasers right now. You make everyone dumber with what you say, and that’s why we don’t have military-grade lasers.

So, if you wrote smarter comments, would that mean we would all get lasers? Indubitably. So, instead of writing just some comment on how you don’t like Obama, try to tie it into quantum mechanics. Smart talk like that will most certainly please mighty Science! who will reward our good work with lasers and flying cars and genetically resurrected dinosaurs. Remember: Science! is always watching — well, not actually always which leaves some things in an indeterminate state — but it’s watching a lot of time so be smart for it.

They’re the Original Odd Couple!

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Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!:

The Vatican said it will make it far easier for disgruntled Anglicans to convert to Catholicism, in one of Rome’s most sweeping gestures to a Protestant church since the Reformation.

A newly created set of canon laws, known as an “Apostolic Constitution,” will clear the way for entire congregations of Anglican faithful to join the Catholic Church.

This is just crazy. Unless the Pope is going to reverse his position on quickie divorces for English Kings, I don’t see how this can work.

I mean, come on… what’s next on the “improbable mash-ups” list?:

* IMAO & Daily Kos

* Irresistable Forces & Immovable Objects

* Fred Thompson & John Edwards

* Rush Limbaugh & Nancy Pelosi

* Smooth & Chunky peanut butter – It’s SMUNKY!

* Obama & decisive action

* Anita Dunn & Ayn Rand

* Barney Frank & Ann Coulter

* McDonalds & The Louvre… oh, wait…

* Michelle Obama & fashion sense

* Sausage McMuffins & donuts

What’s on YOUR list?

Question of the Day

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Here is today’s discussion question: What is and isn’t a real news organization?

The White House has its opinions, but what about you? I don’t think MSNBC is real news, but Olbermann has this to say in his defense:

I also don’t think my dog is real news. She’s always barking like something is happening, but nothing ever is. She’s just a crazy alarmist like Glenn Beck.

I also don’t think plasma is news. Instead it’s a partially ionized gas with free electrons. With a partisan bias.