Archive of entries posted on July 2010

Random Thoughts

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Why do I have to go to a birthing class? I’m pretty sure at this point it will happen whether I contribute anything more or not.

“PUSH!”
“Plush? What’s plush?”
“No, I’m saying push to get the baby out.”
“Oh! I guess I should have gotten that from context.”

So should Mel Gibson do a comeback by starring in the next Roman Polanski film?

I think I’m going to start chewing tobacco ironically.

We may have reached the next level now where people do irony ironically.

Every time my cat stares at me, I think she’s weighing the pros and cons of eating my eyes.

I’m bored. Wanna start a rumor that Obama is a drug addict? It would explain a lot.

I think one party that’s been escaping the blame is the earth, which actually made the oil.

Maybe a Tea Party group should pass a resolution condemning the NAACP for being asinine.

Rehabilitating Mel

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It must suck to be Mel Gibson right now. And I say “right now” because at one time, it was great to be Mel Gibson. Or so it seemed.

He had a bunch of hit movies. Like Lethal Weapon and Lethal Weapon 2 and Lethal Weapon 3 and …

Actually, he had a lot of hit movies … as well as some not so hit movies.

But, for a while, he was golden.

Now, not so much. First, there was his drunk driven arrest about four years back. Now, there’s the audio tapes (more than one) of his argument with his girlfriend. You usually have to attend a cabinet meeting featuring both Rahm Emanuel and Joe Biden to get that much crazy and profanity in one place.

Right now, if you read the news, Mel Gibson is seen at Satan incarnate. And, though he’s a talented actor, director and screenwriter, it seems that his career might be over. Unless he can be rehabilitated. But, is that possible? I think it might be.

It will be tough, though. Giving money to save the rain forest won’t work. He’s done that. Give millions to help sick children? Done that. No, that’s not nearly enough.

So, what would it take to rehabilitate Mel Gibson?

  • The promise to not make Mad Max 4.
  • The promise to not make Lethal Weapon 5.
  • The promise to not make What Women Want II.
  • Claim an oil spill that occurred 457 days after George Bush left office is Bush’s fault.
  • Claim a terrorist attack that occurred 234 days after George Bush took office is Bush’s fault.
  • Declare 9/11 an inside job.
  • Make a movie with Hugo Chavez.
  • Call the Tea Party “too white” then call for the only black on the Supreme Court to resign.
  • Drug and anally rape a 13-year-old girl.
  • Hang around a polling place with a bat, threatening to kill some crackers.

Perhaps this would be enough to return Mel Gibson to everyone’s good graces.

Is he crazy? Yeah, probably. But, he’s not the right kind of crazy. He needs to be batsh*t crazy, barking moonbat crazy, to get his career back.

I’m not sure it’s worth it.

Scientists Say

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In this ABC News story, it talks about “scientists” opposing Governor Jindal’s plan to deal with the oil spill. It never mentions who these scientists are or where they come from, because I guess it doesn’t matter because all you need to know is they’re scientists and thus right because they use Science!

Which gets me thinking: I’m a scientist. Well, I have a bachelors in science. And I like to study stuff like the science of humor. So I’m a scientist. That means that when you quote me, you shouldn’t say that, “Frank J. says…” You should say, “Scientists say…” So here are some new scientifical statements:

Scientists say that more funding and research needs to be devoted to dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them and space lasers.

Scientists say that lab tests on monkeys aren’t quite cruel enough yet.

Scientists say the best strategy for the president during a crisis is to accidentally lock himself in a trunk so he’ll stay out of the way of anyone who actually knows how to do something useful.

Scientists say we’re almost out of Doritos and should get more.

Scientists say that Super Mario Galaxy 2 is a really fun game.

Scientists say that SarahK should get up and get her own water instead of having her husband do it after he’s already sat down for dinner.

Scientists say that the cat should stop clawing people while they write or it’s going to get popped in the face.

Scientists say, “Buy my t-shirts.”

Remember, you can’t question any of this, because I… wield… Science!

Next Time, Have a Strategy

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I think one of the biggest problems with the oil spill is there didn’t seem to be like a strategy or anything. It’s as if no one thought maybe one of these things could fail and thus we might need a method to stop the oil from leaking into the ocean. Maybe BP was like expecting the federal government to do something if that happened, but it’s pretty unfair to expect Obama to know how to do anything.

Also, has anyone communicated to the federal government or BP that an oil leak is the sort of thing people expect to be handled quickly. It’s not something where you can be like, “What should we do about the oil leak?” “I dunno.” “Well, what’s on TV?” And then like months later be like, “Oh man; maybe we should have done something about that oil leak.”

So, in the future, if there is like an oil leak in the ocean, there should be like a strategy to do something about it, and someone should do it quickly. But that’s just my opinion, and I don’t have a Nobel Prize in physics like Obama’s advisor who I guess told Obama, “Try and go on TV and give a speech and see if that does anything.”

Strategies for Obama to Not Lose the House

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Now even the White House is admitting that the Democrats could lose the House this November. But don’t worry; Obama has some new strategies to help the Democrats keep power this fall.

NEW STRATEGIES FOR OBAMA

* More whining.

* More blaming Bush.

* Break downing crying, saying, “Why does nobody like me?!”

* Blame more problems on that people can’t take that his middle name is “Hussein.”

* Maybe possibly consider doing something useful about the oil spill.

* Promise to put a bag over Pelosi’s head if they can keep the majority.

* Sue more states that show him up by actually doing something useful.

* Appoint the New Black Panthers as official poll security.

* Remind people that they should move forward and not backwards towards when everyone had more money.

* Continue to remind the American people how much smarter he thinks he is.

Random Thoughts

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I’m trying to teach my dad that worthwhile information never comes in the form of an e-mail forward.

Q. What’s the opposite of anti-matter?
A. Uncle-matter.

Totally forgot that Friday was my 8th blogiversary. That’s a lot of crap I wrote.

Watching Cheers on DVD. Holds up pretty well except for all the talk about getting horses reshoed.

I finally translated the Obamacare bill: It’s a cookbook!

The New Black Panther Party are the defacto leaders of the Democrat Party. Pass it on.

AlaBAMA is a state in the U.S. where the president is oBAMA. What’s your mnemonic for not getting him mixed up with Osama?

So are we as a society over getting hung up on race yet? No? I’ll check again tomorrow.

Shabazz: “Kill every ‘cracker’!! You know what you doing. Kill ‘cracker’. For great freedom.”

That Mel Gibson tape really does make the Alec Baldwin tirade sound endearing in comparison.

This might seem like the end of Mel Gibson, but remember that in Hollywood not even a rape conviction is a career-killer.

I hope it’s soon discovered that vuvuzelas cause mouth cancer.

From my reading of “To Kill a Mockingbird”, I’m still pretty sure Boo Bradley was the real killer.

I forget; was “To Kill a Mockingbird” written by John Grisham or Tom Clancy?

I think the worst of the series was “To Kill a Mockingbird 4: Mockingbird in Space.”

Deep Space Nine: The Mission

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Yes, Major?


We just received a communique from Star Fleet.


Well?


Um, you’re not going to believe this, Commander, but…


Let me tell him, Nerys.


Somebody tell me already!


Star Fleet just sent word of a mission change.


Well, this war with the Dominion is a rough fight. We’re going to have to make changes from time to time…


Sir, this change is … unsettling.


So, what’s the change. Are they moving the Defiant to another location? Are we not heading back into the Gamma Quadrant? A suicide mission to Cardassia Prime? What is it?


Nothing like that at all, Benjamin.


So, what is it, Old Man?


The Federation president has changed to the primary mission of Star Fleet to …


Yes?


Our primary mission …


Yes?


Sir, our primary mission is now … outreach to the Jem’Hadar.


What?!


Outreach to the Jem’Hadar, Benjamin.


Outreach to the Jem’Hadar? The very ones who have attacked us, killed us, fought for our destruction? That Jem’Hadar?


The Federation president says it will improve relationships by focusing on Jem’Hadar outreach instead of Star Fleet’s traditional role of exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizatons…


I’m familiar with our mission, Major.


Our former mission, Commander.


No, this isn’t right. There’s no way that the Federation president would issue such an order. The United Federation of Planets would never allow such stupidity from its president.


It’s true, Benjamin. We’ve confirmed it.


Well, we’ll begin making initial preparations for this, but I can’t believe it’ll stand. We’ll keep current mission plans in reserve, ready to revert to them when the Federation comes to its senses.


Yes, sir.


Why would the president do such an asinine thing?


I don’t know, Commander. But I imagine some in Section 31 will say it’s because his middle name is “Weyoun.”

IMAO Podcast Reruns (6-27-05)

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Episode 5, from 6-27-05 is now available.

* Pre-introduction: How the IMAO Podcast is Made
* Introduction & sponsors
* The Story of Frank J.
* New reality show: Spin
* SarahK introduces herself
* Harvey: Fun Facts about California Part 1
* Frank J: PSA
* Harvey: Fun Facts about California Part 2
* All About Right Wing Duck
* Spacemonkey’s hosts American Monkey: The Farm Report
* SarahK reviews her trip to the Kennedy Space Center
* Spacemonkey’s bio
* “World of Knowledge” w/ host Frank J: Chemistry
* Everything you need to know about Kevin (aka CadetHappy)
* SarahK: Follow-up to Frank’s PSA
* Who is Harvey?
* Laurence Simon’s Crappy Bedtime Stories: Hansel & Gretel
* All about Scott (as told by the rest of the gang)
* Frank Discourse (Roundtable): Should Karl Rove apologize?
* Frank: Conclusion, listener email

DISCLAIMER: I offer no guarantees as to the quality of the audio or of the material. Listen at your own risk.

Enjoy the show.

lolterizt! Part 111

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Sorry this is so incredibly late. Been busy helping get the fancy new web site up & running for the boss man.

Also, a big, BIG thanks for all the last-minute non-rock-paper-scissors entries. High Praise! to all who donated in my hour of need.

By the way, for all the RPS entries I got, I was surprised that no one went for the Simpsons reference, “Good old rock! Nothing beats that!”

Anyway, this week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Hart of That Hero:

[Hereby nominated for the Darkest Caption of the Year Award]

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Carl:

From Crapsorter:

[not a reference link]

From DamnCat:

From DamnCat:

From DamnCat:

From Garbonzo:

[reference link]

From GEBIV:

From Hart of That Hero:

From Hart of That Hero:

From Joan of Argghh! of Primordial Slack:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link at 4:46 – you’ve got 9 seconds to avoid the language]

From Larry:

From Michael:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

Bonus challenge (optional): don’t use the word “ass” or any euphemism for it.

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Yes We Did!

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Obama’s new campaign slogan: “Yes We Did!”

Doesn’t the Republican campaign ad pretty much just write itself?

10% unemployment – “Yes We Did!”

Skyrocketing debt and government expansion – “Yes We Did!”

Obama bowing to foreign monarchs – “Yes We Did!”

New health care takeover forced on America – “Yes We Did!”

The gulf covered in oil as Obama golfs – “Yes We Did!”

Maybe a better slogan for Obama would be one borrowed from his doppelganger Urkel: “Did I do that?”

Why Would People Not Like Obama?

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Obama suggested that the reason some Israelis are suspicious of him is that his middle name is Hussein. He then added how awful it is that Israelis bitterly cling to their promised land and Torahs.

So is the only reason Israelis don’t like Obama because of his middle name? What other reasons are there to not like him?

REASONS PEOPLE MAY NOT LIKE OBAMA

* His middle name

* His skin color

* How his ears stick out

* The clothes he wears

* That he’s utterly incompetent

* The he has no useful experience except with corrupt Chicago politics

* That he’s an arrogant prick who doesn’t sympathize at all with his fellow man

* That he disregards allies like Israel while trying to suck up to dictatorships

* That the scope of the U.S. presidency only amplifies what a small, useless man he is

Yeah, I guess it’s probably the middle name.

Even More Frank Responds to Spam Comments

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Just so many good spam comments! I wish I could respond to them all.

Glad i ran across this website.Added “IMAO » Blog Archive » Shirts Are Fun to Wear!” to my bookmark!

Great. I’m sure the bookmark to the couple sentence post advertising my t-shirt will serve you well into the future.

Food Stamps are nice and handy if you want some fast meals.;~~

But if you want booze, they’re a little trickier for that.

sometimes i get backaches due to long hours of working at computers.'”`

What exactly are you doing to those computers?

shares employ a perfect web site decent Gives thanks for the efforts to help me personally

I know, right? I think I should refer you to the writings of the great landlord.

I absolutely love your website. Could tell me how I could keeping up to date with it? By the way I found this blog through Bing.

What I do to tell if a website has been changed is to secretly leave a piece of dust in the corner. Then, if someone’s messed with it, the piece of dust will have moved. And then I hunt down who is responsible.

By the way, I found your comment through my spam folder.

hi,beautiful pants in your post,I love that nice pants,I need to find one for me

Is that you, Wonder Woman?

Random Thoughts

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I’d think when you say “scientists” oppose something, you’d need names and details, but I’m not a journalist.

Or am I journalist? I don’t really know. I am clueless, so that’s evidence for.

I am a scientist. So when you quote me, don’t write “Frank says.” Write “scientists say.”

“Scientists say that future U.S. Military’s needs require dinosaurs with rocket launchers.”

Maybe we should change the game “Simon Says” to “Scientists Say.” Oops; shouldn’t have done that. Scientists didn’t say.

I think a gun is okay in church as long as you don’t worship it.

BREAKING: LeBron has announced he’s given up basketball because it’s stupid and taken up the sport of the future: curling.

That’s it. I’m putting LeBron up on the refrigerator so now no one gets him.

BREAKING: LeBron James accepts appointment to head CENTCOM.

I have to hand it to the NSA; I don’t think anyone could come up with a more ominous name for a program than “Perfect Citizen.”

So is there a pool going on how long it is until Obama gets attacked by a rabbit?

So at what point do we start changing our last names to ones more futuristic like “Jetson” and “Spacely”?

The internets almost convinced me the LeBron James thing was important even though I don’t watch basketball or know who he is.

Would have been nice if he came to Boise, though. I’d watch basketball if Boise had an NBA team.

Watching first season of Babylon 5. The main guy always sounds like he’s narrating a TV ad.

LeBron – Is he as good as that Magic Jordan player?