So apparently the terrorists are having a jolly old time in Guantanamo with internet and tons of books and flat screen TVs and free financial classes. They even really enjoy the Twilight series… like we weren’t suspicious enough of them already. Whatever happened to when a terrorist complained about being bored, we’d light him on fire and say, “Now how bored are you!”?

Our terrorist holding facility should never have been in the nice tropical location of Guantanamo. Instead, we should put terrorists in the American Siberia — Canada. We’ll just say to Canada, “Hey, we’re going to build a big prison in your country and ship all our terrorists there. Is that okay? Don’t bother answering because we don’t care.” And then all the evil terrorists will be trapped in the harsh plains of Canada, where any who try to escape will be eaten by a moose. That’s my best idea until we can put their prison on the moon. And then nuke the moon.

Or I guess we could nuke Canada. It’s pretty big; it’s not like it would be a big deal to nuke a few areas. Come to think of it, along with storing terrorists in Canada, why don’t we also test our nukes there? Canada really could be pretty useful if we were a little more imaginative.

So the White House is now claiming they’ve saved or created 3.5 million jobs in the last quarter. That’s a lot of jobs! I don’t know how the unemployment rate is near 10% with Obama just shooting jobs out his rear like this.

So what are these jobs? Here are some that Obama has saved or created:

* Park rangers for snipe preserve.

* Unicorn groomers.

* Warden for leprechaun prison camp.

* Grief counselors for bigfoots.

* Assistant to the Tooth Fairy.

* Gremlin exterminator.

* Border patrol for border with Honalee.

* Administrative assistants for honest lawyers.

And everything single one of Obama’s jobs he saved or created is completely invisible and only detectable by the magical pixies who do his number crunching. That means they’re secure!

So apparently the iPhone 4 loses it’s cell signal if you like touch it. That seems like kind of a bug. I’m not sure how that got through testing, but maybe they tested pretty similar to how it is used and just everyone just sat around admiring. Plus, once you touch, it gets all smudged and isn’t as pretty. Why would you do that to it?

Anyway, Apple is going to give a press conference on the issue, and my recommendation is to be arrogant and dismissive. Start out with something like, “I can’t believe your wasting our time with this when we’re busy at work at awesome new products.” Then just say, “The phone call function of the iPhone is clearly an unsupported beta function. And why are you making phone calls with it anyway? Do you have cavemen friends you have to alert about charging mastodons? You technophobes make me sick!” I think that should work, but if people are still complaining, give them free black turtlenecks.

Are the Taliban training monkeys to use guns and fight our troops? That’s what a Chinese newspaper claims, and I expect a Chinese newspaper to be somewhere between the New York Times and a North Korean daily in just making stuff up. Still, we have to consider the possibility, because this is definitely the sort of thing that leads to Planet of the Apes. But I just can’t see monkeys going on a religious jihad. As soon as the monkeys got guns, they’d just point them at the Taliban and say, “Hey, Taliban; tally me banana!” (except it would be in monkey language). And the Taliban would be like, “Infidels!” which is what they’re always shouting. And then later there would mysteriously be a bunch of dead Taliban and the Taliban CSIs would come in and examine the bullet wounds and say, “From the trajectory of these wounds, it would appear something monkey-sized shot them. Plus, all the bananas are gone. I’m blaming… the jooooos!” And then U.S. would bomb them all.

Still, to be on the safe side, I hope our military are killing any monkeys they see. Of course, that should have already been their policy.

According to a CBS poll, 56% think that the stimulus had no impact on the economy and 18% thinks it made it worse. So that’s 74% of Americans who think the nearly trillion dollars the Democrats spent either did nothing or made things worse. And if we were going to waste a trillion dollars on something that doesn’t work, couldn’t it have least been something cool like trying to build our own Death Star?

So anyway, bad news for Democrats as we near November that it looks like they totally wasted a trillion dollars, but Obama is of course going to argue that things would have been even worse if we hadn’t threw all that money down a hole. Of course, unemployment is now worse than his worse case estimates for what things would have been like without the stimulus, but he’s still saying it totally worked and we’d have like a million percent unemployment if it weren’t for him.

That makes me think of that one Simpsons episode where Lisa tries to explain specious reasoning to Homer by claiming a rock keeps away tigers. Except it’s even dumber in Obama’s case:

OBAMA: This rock keeps away tigers.

AMERICANS: Aieee! We just got attacked by tigers!

OBAMA: Well, think of how worse things would be without the rock! Anyway, that will be one trillion dollars for the rock.

Only 12% of the general public would describe themselves as “progressive,” but most people seem to be unsure what it means so that’s better that the term “liberal.” Liberals ruined the term “liberal” (which was a good term; I think “classical liberal” describes my politics better than “conservative”) by getting it associated with their arrogant, douchey politics so that “liberal” now means to most people “utterly useless idiot who thinks he’s smart and should force his ideas on everyone else,” so they tried to shed that term for a new one — “progressive” — and are slowly corroding its meaning too until eventually it will be toxic as well. Conservatives, on the other hand, took a term that wasn’t that great (why would you want to be a conservative when currently the status quo sucks?) and made it good by association. Now “conservative” just means to most Americans “someone with common sense.”

So next time instead of liberals taking an actual word people might want to use for other purposes and corrupting it, maybe they can just call themselves a completely made up term instead. Like “muckadoo” or something. That would be considerate of them, but then considerate of the population at large isn’t very progressive.

The NAACP took time off from looking for coded racism in greeting cards and calling anyone who disagrees with Democrats a racist to listen to Michelle Obama speak.

Yeah, I don’t know why they would do that, but the NAACP does seem to be full of fringe crazies these days, and that does sound like the wacky sort of thing a crazy person would do.

Anyway, so you’re wondering what inherent disdain or misunderstanding of basic American principles did Michelle display this time? Well, she said “dessert is not a right.”

Well, maybe she was taking a libertarian position and dessert isn’t a right because if you don’t have money to buy dessert, it’s not like the government is supposed to supply it for you. But then she said that health care is “a true civil right” which once again demonstrates that a liberal’s understand of rights is as coherent as a paranoid schizophrenic. So, back when this nation was first founded and no one had any health care someone today would consider worthwhile, who was infringing their civil rights? I’m going to go with the most evil thing known to man: rogue unicorns.

So why do liberals see things like abortion as a right but don’t think self-defense is — despite that being inherent to pretty much every creature? Because they like the word “rights” but don’t understand what those are. Basically, in the liberal world, you have no rights in far as you may conflict with their plan for the state. Icons of individual power like money, guns, and speech (when directed against the power of the state like in the Tea Party) they only see as threats and not rights. If liberals weren’t so good at quickly marginalizing themselves, we’d have a lot more to worry about than them taking away our ice cream.

With the release of Roman Polanski by the Swiss, I’ve noticed there is a growing cultural difference between America and Europe: We don’t like evil, but Europe feels it’s just too sophisticated to care about such things.

French culture minister (is it his job to make sure the Eiffel Tower is extra tall and impressive?) said of the Polanski release, “Now is the time for appeasement. [When isn’t it the time for appeasement with the French? -Ed.] The painful past, the rich personality, the unanimously admired works of Roman Polanski all find their place again.” See, Polanski made movies that, while no box office successes, smart people were supposed to like, which made them important… much more important than child rape.

In America we don’t get that attitude. Artsy-fartsy directors are a dime a dozen… and we probably weren’t going to watch those films anyway. What we do like watching is having a child rapist flung and shot with a cruise missile… along with anyone who objects to harsh punishments for child rapists.

So what do we do with Europe? Same thing we’ve been doing for a while: Wait for them to continue to wither and die and hope they leave us an inheritance.