The iPhone 4: Noli Me Tangere

So apparently the iPhone 4 loses it’s cell signal if you like touch it. That seems like kind of a bug. I’m not sure how that got through testing, but maybe they tested pretty similar to how it is used and just everyone just sat around admiring. Plus, once you touch, it gets all smudged and isn’t as pretty. Why would you do that to it?

Anyway, Apple is going to give a press conference on the issue, and my recommendation is to be arrogant and dismissive. Start out with something like, “I can’t believe your wasting our time with this when we’re busy at work at awesome new products.” Then just say, “The phone call function of the iPhone is clearly an unsupported beta function. And why are you making phone calls with it anyway? Do you have cavemen friends you have to alert about charging mastodons? You technophobes make me sick!” I think that should work, but if people are still complaining, give them free black turtlenecks.

13 Comments

  1. Hey Basil, their increasing suckage plan didn’t work out so well. Here’s what I’d suggest. They give everyone a clear plastic screen overlay that shows 11 bars (“Our new iPhern one goes all the way to 11”). Problem solved!

  2. Can with line better to phone. When Marko touch can, it no break! It only break if Marko smash can with foot! But be sure not do that inside or Mom yell for beating floor!

    In all honesty, I cannot believe Apple products are really more practical than two cans attached by a line. Real life isn’t a comic book!

  3. I don’t hate Steve–never met him.
    My bars only go to four…although allegedly there is a fifth.
    I’ve dropped three calls–technically the phone dropped two and I dropped the phone once.
    I have no yellow spots.
    It does smudge, but turns out I can rub it on my shirt and it’s fixed. I know I know, not technologically advanced, but it works.

    I’m really happy with my iPhone…

    (waits for 6 year old to whack it with brick)

  4. Apple: “You schmucks!! This is not about communication, its all about status.”
    Consumer: “I may be eating out of trashcans and living under an old hot tub, but I got the coolest phone on the planet. Of course I can’t afford to activate it….but stilll………..”

  5. I have the old IPhone and it’s suckage is way below any of the gay phones that you guys carry that have tried to copy it’s awesomeness but have failed! Your phones should all be pink because they are all built for junior high girls anyway!

  6. Apple has announced that they will address “the iPhone 4 issue”. Although they will continue to claim that the phone is perfect in every way and it is the user’s fault for holding the phone wrong, in order to make nice with the unwashed masses, they will now offer corrective surgery to all iPhone 4 owners to remove the offending finger on each hand so that they may hold the iPhone as it was intended, without getting in it’s way.

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