The U.N. has appointed someone to be our first contact with extraterrestrials should we ever be visited by them. I’m pretty sure, though, if something important like that happened, we’d keep the U.N. far away from it as possible as we do all other important things.

U.N.: “Aliens have landed! We need to talk to them!”

US: “But look what I found here: A paddle ball game for you to play with.”

U.N.: “Yay! Paddle ball! Hee hee hee!”

Of course, the best way to handle alien contact would be to tell the aliens, “Just go in here to talk to our leader,” and as soon as they go in the room they find it’s actually full of angry badgers and we locked the door behind them. Then we steal their spaceships and sell them at our galaxy’s nearest spaceship dealer for space gold. Who knows what’s out there in the universe; better have lots of space gold just in case.

We’ve heard a lot of awful things about Gitmo, but here’s the latest: Only one ice cream per terrorist. That’s right; that brutal prison is now cutting back on ice cream. If you’re a terrorist who likes two ice creams per day and is captured by America , you might as well just kill yourself.

And here are some of the other horrors from Gitmo:

OTHER HORRORS FROM GITMO

* Store-brand sodas.

* For personal music listening, detainees are given Zunes.

* Only allowed two picnics per week.

* Detainees have been unable to get funding for their planned “Kitten Village” — a fully functioning village to house all their kittens.

* Their Nintendo Wii system doesn’t have MotionPlus for all four controllers.

* Netflix takes three whole days to get the the next movie on the detainees’ queues.

* Their HD DVRs can only record one channel at a time.

* They only get taco night once a month.

* Guards refuse to hunt down the more obscure songs for karaoke.

* Only enough ice and stones for six teams to play at once in the detainees’ curling league.

* Sometimes detainees are subjected to depressing glimpses of Cuban citizens.

So Alan Grayson now has a new ad out in which he falsely calls his opponent — who was in ROTC but failed his medical exam after college — a draft dodger (Grayson never served in the military) and directly challenges his love of country. It’s like Grayson gets all his ideas from reading the comment sections of left-wing blogs because that’s the only place everything he does wouldn’t be laughed at as utterly moronic and despicable. Does the guy have any adult supervision, or is the Democratic leadership just quietly ignore him figuring he’ll be gone soon?

The saddest thing is that he’s hailed as a hero by much of the nutroots who have always treasured infantile screams over actually convincing anyone or getting candidates elected. I really hope they soon invent a pill to help those people. Well, hopefully they have a good scream prepared for November.

Anyway, seems like our baby monkey will finally be here soon (hopefully) so expect me to be gone for a little while (though I’ll try to keep everyone updated).

Hmm… what happens when adult monkeys learn to ride pigs forwards…

So Mike Castle is considering a write-in campaign, but looking at a poll in Alaska where Murkalukey is mainly taking votes away from the Democrat, we might want to encourage it. Apparently, right now Republicans aren’t looking for someone squishier to vote for, but Democrats are looking for someone more Republicany. So Castle getting into the election might actually help give crazy, crazy O’Donnell more of chance.

So there’s a use for a RINO — to siphon votes away from Democrats during a general election. Other uses for RINOs include serving punch at GOP parties, carrying things, and sitting in your passenger seat so you can use the car pool lane. So there are reasons we keep them around.

Somehow a gorilla (scientific name Gorilla gorilla, subspecies gorilla) got his hands on a Nintendo DS:

"My brain age is 80?!"

They say a kid dropped it in there, and I just hope that’s true. What’s the other possibility? That he ordered it through Amazon? That they have the internet in there and are learning? And now they have a video game system and could reverse engineer the microchips in it. Then they’ll start building their own tech in their underground gorilla lab and eventually we’ll be attacked from the inside by gorilla’s wielding death rays! If you think the economy is bad now, wait until that happens!

We need to take more measure to make sure technology doesn’t fall into the hands of monkeys — call it the Heston Law or something. We all have to remain vigilant if we want to prevent a planet of the apes.