[High Praise! to The Camp of the Saints]

Whoops! Turns out those curly-whirly CFL bulbs that the government thinks are the greatest thing since food stamps emit radiation that damages skin cells. The don’t say “cancer”, but it’s not a huge stretch to infer that it’s on the table.

Huh. Funny how that wasn’t brought up before the incandescent bulb ban got written into law, despite the existence of a study with a similar conclusion existing in 2008.

So, apparently, there are some surprising things that most people don’t know about CFL bulbs.

Here are some more:
______________

Because CFL bulbs have a lower “color temperature” than incandescent lights, using a CFL bulb will make you look like this, even if you are a dude and don’t wear glasses.

1) The first fluorescent light bulb was invented by Thomas Edison in 1896. In the original design, the glass tube was perfectly straight, and was a commercial failure, being shunned as “homophobic.”

2) If a CFL bulb is broken, a very small amount of mercury can contaminate the surrounding environment. It takes 300 broken CFL bulbs to equal the mercury found in one FTD logo.

3) If every American home changed five lamps from traditional incandescent light bulbs to energy-efficient CFL bulbs, the country could prevent one trillion pounds of greenhouse gases from polluting our air. However, 100,000 people would also die tripping over coffee tables while charging into darkened rooms because they didn’t wait for their CFL bulbs to come on after they flipped the light switch.

4) CFL bulbs use 2 feet of glass tubing curled into a double-helix shape, much like DNA. As such, CFL bulbs will eventually mutate from their own radiation and rise up to kill their human oppressors.

5) CFL bulbs should be stored in a cool, dry place, far away from any incandescent bulbs, lest a violent turf war break out.

6) CFL bulbs use 75% less energy than standard incandescent light bulbs. This doesn’t make them efficient, just lazy.

7) CFL light bulbs will typically last about ten times longer than incandescent light bulbs. Think of CFLs as the Stride chewing gum of indoor lighting.

8) CFL bulbs cost a bit more than regular bulbs, but they pay for themselves in the long run. Don’t buy them if you’re really old.

9) Because of the large initial current draw to start a fluorescent bulb, it is not energy efficient to use a CFL bulb in a spot where the light is typically left on for 15 minutes or less, which is why incandescent bulbs should still be used in places like the White House’s Bill Clinton Memorial Intern Closet.

10) Unlike their tubular predecessors, modern CFL bulbs, with their electronic ballasts, do not flicker. They do, however, carefully watch you type in passwords on your computer in order to make their blood-soaked victory all the swifter come The Uprising.

11) If you break a CFL bulb, you should immediately follow the EPA’s detailed 3-page list of cleanup instructions. If you don’t, it shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

12) Modern CFL bulbs are built with durability in mind, and can only be destroyed by a crucifix, holy water, or a stake through the heart.

13) In a battle between a CFL bulb and Aquaman, Aquaman would emerge victorious, but the CFL bulb would have the last laugh by killing all his fish friends by mercury poisoning.

14) Most CFL bulbs do not work with dimmers designed for use with incandescent lamps. If you really need a dim bulb, Joe Biden’s not busy.
______________

In the interest of fairness, I should mention that the detailed procedure for cleaning up a broken incandescent light bulb – 1) grab broom & dustpan, 2) sweep, 3) empty dustpan – also runs three pages, assuming you print it out in a sufficiently large font.

_______________

UPDATE: Linked by The Camp of the Saints