“get a college degree” is to education as “put stuff in your mouth” is to nutrition.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) November 1, 2012

Chris Christie and Obama driving around together looking at bridges is ok I guess but when do they start solving crimes

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) November 1, 2012

Maybe they could postpone the election a week so we could keep hashing out this really important debate about who’s winning the race.

— Christopher Hayes (@chrislhayes) November 1, 2012

Shorter Bloomberg: (Just kidding, he can’t get any shorter)

— Jon G. (@ExJon) November 1, 2012

Obama:if reelected, will appoint a “Secretary of Business”. Why? With Obama’s economy, he’ll have less to do than the Maytag Repairman #tcot

— Fred Thompson (@fredthompson) November 1, 2012

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) November 1, 2012

My not growing a mustache is non-ironic.

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) November 1, 2012

In many ways, children are just tiny morons.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) November 1, 2012

Experts say exercise can help kids with ADHD. So there is no hope for American kids with ADHD?

— MancowMuller (@MancowMuller) November 2, 2012