I feel bad; I had not time for a post today, but I feel I should give you guys something other than just waiting when, by whim, I decide to give out the next book in my contest. I’m hoping to have a new IMW written by tomorrow, but, for now, I’ll quickly grab a headline and make a hilarious comment.
“Osama bin Laden not caught in Pakistan”
For the record, he was also not caught in Polk County, Iowa.
There. That was funny.
Okay, so it wasn’t. Well why don’t you all try grabbing a headline or news story and making a short witty comment like in the SNL news segment, The Daily Show, or any monologue for a late night talk show and put in the comments section. Not as easy as you think… unless you’re me.
Contest?
Damn … I missed !
I think you both missed. I’m pretty sure this wasn’t a contest post.
How ‘Bout changing the headline
Kerry Lawyer Seeks Ohio Ballot Inspection
to
Kerry Lawyer Seeks Ohio Ballot Inspection
There’s a funny
After scrolling down a couple posts,I see I did too. DOH! With my bad timing,I’m gonna be late for my own funeral,which’ll probably come way too early. 🙁
A headline that you don’t even need to change for the funny…
Kerry Lawyer Seeks Ohio Ballot Inspection
Osama reported found here, there, and over there. Truth of report, remains to be seen.
Moe,
A book is still to be given out today.
Frank, are you going to be staffing up at IMAO … cause I’m going to loose my job from all the checking of the IMAO site.
At least I’m not the only one.
Just wanted to save my info onto this computer, too. I WANT THAT BOOK! IMAO RULES! (because I said that, can I get one without having to win the contest?)
I can’t do it in one line, but can in two long ones.
Close enough?
This one is toooooo easy. On the Washington Compost website (http://www.washingtonpost.com/) there is the headline: Golden Globe Nominations Announced.
Above the headline is a group photo of the female cast members of “Desperate Housewives”
Heh…Golden Globes….heh…
Isn’t “Golden Globes” the sister publication to “Big Ol’ Butts”?
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A59964-2004Dec12.html
Title: Schools Turn to Comics as Trial Ballon
Subtitle: Novel Md. Program Uses Genre to Encourage Reluctant Readers
– In related news, the Medical College at the University of Maryland announced yesterday that it will begin using the Milton Bradley game “Operation” to help medical students prepare for exams.
Leavitt Tapped for HHS.
tomorrow he’ll do interpretive dance for HUD.
Halliburton Linked To Yushchenko Poisoning
Dioxin is a term referring to a group of substances created as by-products from factories that use chlorine, such as pesticide or plastics plants. It is also produced when turning puppies into nuclear waste. Incinerator fumes also contain dioxins. Ukrainian officials are adding the phrase “have your pet spayed or neutered” to campaign ads with hopes to prevent future poisonings.
From the Savannah Morning News:
“Troup Square residents want their armillary back”
Meanwhile, the rest of Georgia wants to know what the hell an armillary is.
Hey, you didn’t say it had to be national news.
Man, 80, Lives 18 Hours in Sea.
unconfirmed reports state he lived the other 701,262 hours on land.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A61131-2004Dec13.html
Title: Pelosi Convicted of Killing Millionaire
– The California Senator was given a suspended 3-year sentence with time-served by Judge Ima Dingbat who stated, “The facist deserved it! Let’s see how much he enjoys his huge tax break in HELL!”
Officials: Bush to Fight Air Pollution
watch out, Aquaman, you’re next.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A61083-2004Dec13.html?nav=headlines
Title: Gaza Violence Dents Hopes of Middle East Peace.
…but they left a note on the windshield so it’s OK.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A59925-2004Dec12.html
Title: Teen Fatalities Described as a ‘Dark Cloud’
– The fact that these drunken speeding scofflaws will not reproduce other delinquents seen as ‘Silver Lining’
Kids shun libraries for online information
Libraries ‘lack of porn’ is cited as top reason.
Elton’s Silent Night
(AP – London) Elton John canceled a second British concert because of a throat infection. John, 57, blamed the infection for the cancellation of his planned show December 12 at the Scottish Exhibition and Conference Center in Glasgow – the fourth concert in a tour of Britain. Despite red hand-prints around his neck, John denied rumours that his hoarseness was the result of an attack by the infamous “Rumsfeld Strangler”, though representatives of the pudgy crooner’s security team did affirm that they have been instructed to keep away any elderly white males wearing glasses, “especially if accompanied by a very, very angry Rottweiler”.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A60455-2004Dec13.html
Title: Brawl Erupts At Pompom Event in D.C.
– Ron Artest not involved.
ROME (Reuters) – International terrorism charges and allegations of ties to al Qaeda might be enough to scare away some cellmates, in some countries.
But Italian mobsters jailed on the island of Sardinia, apparently outraged by terrorism, beat up an Algerian terror suspect and threatened to kill him unless he got himself transferred to a new prison.
“You guys set off bombs and do massacres. If you don’t change prisons, you’re dead,” the criminals were reported to have told Saadi Nassim, in comments confirmed by his lawyer.
From the New York Times:
“Green Acres, One Piece at a Time”
Eddie Albert, Johnny Cash fans finally bury the hatchet.
Government Must Do More to Prevent Future Voter Fraud
President Bush to outlaw elections in Chicago and at Wizbang.
Good one sarahk!
Breast Cancer Test Predicts Who Will, Won’t, Benefit From Chemo
among those listed as not benefiting are those without cancer.
yours are funny, FH.
Jury Reviews Evidence
next week, Cow Produces Milk.
Jury Reaches Sentence Decision
recommends capitalizing first letter and ending with period.
Pakistan: No CIA Bases Here
that you know of.
Hey,
What’s with the guest blogging sarahk? Shouldn’t you be bean counting?
School v. God
my odds are on God.
Good bet there.
Tom:”…and that’s the news. Here’s Bill with the weekend forecast….”
Bill:”Thanks, Tom. The tristate area can expect the forecast to be 100% weather. Now back to you, Tom….”
Aww, my cutie head is also witty.
Those were some great ones, SarahK. You too FormerHostage… and others (okay, I haven’t read everything yet).
List of Nominees for GLOBES…
leading the nominations is Earth, followed by Mars and Mercury.
“When in the world, visit location near you!”
Phishing Scams Continue to Grow
local bait and tackle shops under surveillance.
Holy Crap…they’re web swooning at each other now. Any more of this and I’m leaving for the day.
Frank, why did you suggest this!!! i really should stop now… but it’s so addictive!
No, no! An even better one is:
Phishing Scams Continue to Grow
Trey Anastasio: “No Comment”.
:o)
McCain: No Confidence in Rumsfeld
Rumsfeld: i’ll kill ‘im.
LOL, AWG!
“…and those are the headlines. In addition, five plus seven equals twelve.”
Phishing Scams Continue to Grow
– If you belive you’ve been the victim of a Phishing Scam, please send your name, address, Social Security Number, Date of Birth, Mother’s maiden name, account information, and PIN to….
Holy crap, in the time it took me to think up and write my cheesy 2¢, six more people posted. I better catch up.
Studies show Weblogging to be addictive
FDA hopes to approve patch…
you guys (and girls are on a roll).
Color me impressed…
WARNING: This May Offend The Habitually Offended!
…or…
Though “coup d’état” is a French term, most French people haven’t a clue what it really means.
Talk show host Regis Philbin will stand in as host of “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2005,” replacing the long-time producer who is recovering from a stroke.
Philbin wished him a speedy recovery,and added,”New Years’ Rockin’ is no fun without Dick”.
Watchdog Says U.S. Fails to Investigate Abuses in Afghanistan
McGruff asks the UN to help “take a bite out of (alleged) war crimes”.
Guy and Girls Found on Roll
MTV amused, parents disgusted…Fox hopes to make a reality series. More at ten.
From MSNBC.com:
FBI: U.S. Murder Rate Declining
Democrats blame White House for outsourcing
Alcohol May Fuel Cancer Tumor Growth
Or not. In the weather report, there is a 50% chance of snow tonight.
CY- that one cracked me up.
Offended: Habitually Offended are not offended at comments on Frank J’s website:
Typically Unoffended are now offended. Habitually Offended unoffended that Typically Unoffended offended. Typically Unoffended offended that Habitually Offended offended.
From MSN:
“Mars findings spark ‘second genesis’ debate”
Single Tobit theroy unshaken
Yankee,
That’s pretty good. But I think Karl Rove is going to be pissed you are giving away his business secrets…
Astronomers predict a comet will come crashing down to earth and put an end to all life as we know it by 8pm tonight. Stay tuned for this and our other top stories at 11.
Man, 80, Lives 18 Hours in Sea
… of his own urine.
(sorry if that offends 8o)
So does that make me offended at the unoffended who are offended or unoffended at the offended who are now unoffended? Me confused.
That last comment should be taken out and shot.
I’m getting a headache from all the grinning…
From The Washington Post:
“9/11 Cases Proving Difficult in Germany”
The other 2/11 were easy.
You were right, Frank. This isn’t as easy as it looks.
It’s easier!!!
I’m so disillusioned!!!
IMAO bloggist, Frank J, distracts his readers by pitting them against each other in a battle of witts. Meanwhile, he sits and waits for the perfect opportunity to upload the next book give-away post.
“Japan jumps on Sony’s PSP” -CNET News.com
Japan now reading the warranty card.
“‘Sideways,’ Foxx Lead Globe Contenders”
ABC News – 4 hours ago
-But only by an average of 5-3/4 inches.
“Bush Names New Cabinet Pick”
WXXA – 2 hours ago
-Position expected to last until the key is found.
Pelosi convicted of killing Millionare
When the democratic congressional whip from California was asked why she did it, she answered “We can’t have the Republicans claiming to lower the murder rate too! Besides the guy was raking in capital gains tax free. That’s just asking for it, really.”
Pelosi convicted of killing Millionare
When the democratic congressional whip from California was asked why she did it, she answered “We can’t have the Republicans claiming to lower the murder rate too! Besides the guy was raking in capital gains tax free. That’s just asking for it, really.”
“Gates invest $43 million for malaria drug”
RealEstateGates.com
-Aides quickly respond: “No… COMPUTER viruses, Bill… Computer viruses. Jeeez.”
heh… this is kinda fun.
For the record… very little happens in Polk County, Iowa… but what does happen gets recorded in the delightful blog, Anywhere But Here… since Polk County, Iowa, is where I live. And where I work. And where I shoot squirrels in my kitchen. Read all about it…
Sorry, Frank, but you DID mention my county of residence, so I felt entitled.
[/shameless plugging]
US Denies Meddling in Ukraine Election
President Bush says he found “Go Yushchenko” t-shirt at garage sale, couldn’t resist bargain.
“Madrid to finish bomb hoax match”
Turkish Press – 6 hours ago
-After authorities adjusted the rules so as to disqualify any additional bomb hoax that actually explodes.
heh- good one, sarahk.
From CNN:
“Tom Wolfe wins bad sex award”
Responds Wolfe, “So what? The worst I ever had … was great!”
Review: Two musicians, dying young
we thought it was a riot!
Study: Christmas deadliest day for Americans
MSM blames the joooooos!
Kerik, White House Say Withdrawal Was His Decision
Wells Fargo officials corroborate and note that deposit was voluntary as well.
“Court: Consent Not Needed in Conceding Guilt”
Reuters – 4 hours ago
-Remarks attorney Mark Geragos: “Oh, sure they say that now… I could have spent the last few months in the Bahamas. Those bastards.”
“Peterson Jury Gives Him the Death Penalty”
WBAY – 18 minutes ago
-“This is seen as a major triumph of the criminal justice system’s ability to help us secure book deals and movie rights.” -Juror #8
The comment is funny if when you live right next to Polk County Iowa. (I’ll be on the lookout in the surrounding counties, though!)
Better that little happens in Polk county. Pottawattamie County is the pootey poot (anal expletive, sarahk speak) of Iowa. I wish Council Bluffs was in California, so it could fall into the Pacific when the “big one” actually comes. It’s the only place where I have even been stopped by the police in the past seven years. And for seatbelt no less. Jer K’s
Also a side note. Has the comments section ever reached 100 before?
Just curious.
Voiceover: And so we observe the ninjamonkey in it’s natural ecosystem trying to communicate with others…
Studies have shown that monkeys are not funny.
Studies have shown that monkeys are not funny…
Hey Dumbadollardollar:
Studies have also shown that the word monkey attached to any other word is extremely funny;
Monkeyburger
Ninjamonkey
Full Auto Monkey
Grease Monkey
Funky Monkey
Hunky Monkey
Sexy Monkey
G-String Monkey
You Dumbmonkey…
Today marks the one year anniversary of the capture of Saddam Hussein. One year ago, presidential candidate Howard Dean announced, to the disapproval of his handlers, that “the capture of Saddam has not made America safer.” A year later, his sentiment still rings true.
“With the arrest of Saddam Hussein, there is a new opportunity for the members of the former regime, whether military or civilian, to end their bitter opposition,” administrator L. Paul Bremer had proclaimed one year ago Monday. But all this is a distant memory. Today, violence rages in Iraq, predicted only to increase in the lead up towards elections.
As of Sunday, Dec. 12, 2004, at least 1,289 members of the U.S. military have died since the beginning of the Iraq war in March 2003, according to an Associated Press count. At least 1,007 died as a result of hostile action, the Defense Department said.
The war (that led to the capture) and its reconstruction diverted resources from homeland security, the hunt for bin Laden, but most alarmingly, it has created the threat that president Bush always insisted was lurking in Iraq.
more here: http://www.politicalthought.net
anyway, back to being funny…
What Moore Didn’t Know
an all-new cable channel dedicated 24/7 to Michael Moore’s shortcomings… never a re-run.
Igor,
Micheal Moore is in your head and can’t get out!!
One of my grandfathers lied about his age to get into the Army, this was at the end of the war. Then from 1945-1947 he proceeded to fight tooth and nail killing “The G.D. Japs” that entrenched themselves on the islands, because they wouldn’t quit and people had to get back to normal life. This included shooting, stabbing, burning, blowing the Japanese out of the spiderholes they built for themselves. Dude, the war was over. But if my grandfather, and many other men had not done this Japan would have thought us weak. At least mentally. They would have come back. And you wouldn’t get to write what you just did. You would either not be born, or sent to a slave labor camp to make GAP clothing for the Japanese while sustaining yourself off of a steady diet of rice and cockroaches.
War is hell, get over it.
Just so you know, I was not for going to Iraq, and I am afraid it might turn into another Veitnam. But even so, we are now kicking butt, we are now over there, and we should support what they are doing. Heck now we should push through and whip Iran also. They HATE us, and WILL KILL YOU. Without hesitation. One is pointing a rock at you RIGHT NOW!! What do you do?
Theme Parks Attendance Up in 2004 Thanks to Foreigners
also up in 2004 thanks to foreigners… dead terrorists.
(because most of them are foreign)
Thanks, SarahK. I needed that.
Oops, you took too long Igor, you’re dead. Next.
Men Who Remarry Tend to Gain Weight, Ignore Health
women who remarry tend to gain weight, ignore husband.
Migraines May Increase Stroke Risk
so may raising the blood pressure of migraine-sufferers by telling them they’re going to die of stroke.
Clinton’s lies found to be biggest in presidential history:
Texas called, demands that is slander as everything in Texas is biggest…
Carnival of Recipes members found to liberally use lots of alcohol when cooking:
Yes, sometimes even in the food…
Woot, yeah!!
This day is not only the 1 year anniversary of the Capture of BoB (Butthead of Bagdad). But we have crossed the 100 posts mark in one of Frank’s comments thread.
Aflack is sacking the talking duck in future commercials, foul play suspected
In other news, RightWingDuck has been missing for over 48 hours…
From BBC:
“China ‘no longer needs food aid'”
U.S. children no longer have to finish their peas.
true dat.
From BBC:
“Mobile multimedia slow to catch on”
Montgomery, Birmingham, and Tuscaloosa multimedia doing just fine.
(i was true dat-ing the thing about carnival of the recipes people getting wonky on alcohol. it seems to be a theme.)
Scrappleface wins blog award:
In other news, Frank J. decides to change format of website, will now host online cooking webcast. Plans to challenge fellow bloggers to cook off…
basil, LOL! your china thing makey me laugh. the Mobile thing too. you’re funny.
Annan’s son denies oil-for-food wrongdoing
UN denies anti-semitism.
From BBC:
“Cuba starts ‘huge’ military drill”
However, hugh military saw refuses to start.
SarahK, thanks. That’s quite kind of you.
Texas Boots Found Shiniest in Nation:
Explains one father; “Well it’s not a new technique, we like to keep ’em that way, for when out of state visitors stop by”…
Gay pastor dispute divides Methodists
the pastors are fighting over wallpaper colors.
From BBC:
“Police break up Kashmir protest”
Stairway to Heaven protest proceeds without incident.
Wallpaper colors!! Good one Sarahk..
From BBC:
“Marriages made in hell”
… (I ain’t sayin’ nothing’!!!)
Kenyans Revolt againts President due to Excessive Lions Running Rampant:
Former dictator Moi: This is the first instance I know of the reign being called on account of the game…
From the Washington Post:
“Palestinians Say Israel Targets Militant Candidates”
Also accuse water of being wet.
lol.
From Atlanta Journal-Constitution:
“Pa. Police Apologize for Scissors Arrest”
Arrest of glue and sparkles still under investigation.
From CNN:
“Earthquake jostles El Salvador”
El Salvador responds, “Not tonight, I have a headache.”
Accountants found to excel in math
Also found that there are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
LOL! “there are 10 kinds of people in the world.” i get that!
Um, Michael Moore’s measurements?
01000001 01100011 01100011 01101111 01110101 01101110 01110100 01100001 01101110 01110100 01110011 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01100100 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100001
1001100 = 4C hex = 76 dec = ASCII ‘L’
1001111 = 4F hex = 79 dec = ASCII ‘O’
1001100 = 4C hex = 76 dec = ASCII ‘L’
Too late in the evening for stuff like this?
Oh sorry, I converted to ASCII, forgot all about hex. Sorry. I have been up since 4:30 CST. Yeah, I should go to bed..
Wait till Sarahk figures out that one I just posted.
I’m still working on yours. During Family Guy commercials. It’s only easy if you know the answer before you start!
01010100011001010110110001101100 010001100111001001100001011011100110101100100000
011110010110111101110101
01110111011000010110111001110100
0110000101101110
0100000101010010001011010011000100110101
011001100110111101110010
01011000011011010110000101110011
Okay, I’m going to bed.
HEADLINE:Ford to kill off its biggest SUV (CNN.com)
Followup: Scott Peterson offered management position at Ford.
HEADLINE:10% of bird species face extinction by 2100 (MSNBC)
FOLLOWUP: Americans breath sigh of relief and discount as “chicken” is not found on list.
HEADLINE: Best resorts for early season snow (MSNBC)
FOLLOWUP: Yukon and Siberia top locations on list.
tell frank you want an ….. er… nevermind… that wasn’t addressed to me.
My bad.
HEADLINE: Flu shot supply grows as demand dwindles.
FOLLOWUP: Newly developed technique creates vaccine from the blood of dead flu victims.
Oh, and Son of Risasi, I know a few accountants, and not one of them can read binary.
But you might be referring to a new breed of accountant. I’ve heard that they’ve genetically engineered accountants to be 73% more productive, with the ability to see in the dark, conduct audits in their sleep, and reproduce asexually.
HEADLINE: Who’s hot: The ‘IT’ list.
FOLLOWUP: Who’s not: The ‘SHIT’ list.
(Sorry for the profanity, couldn’t help it…
HEADLINE: Yankees reportedly seek 3-way deal for Unit.
FOLLOWUP: Request denied with reply, “We don’t swing that way…”
Wow, these really are fun. I think it’s too late and nobody is reading mine… Oh well…
Wow, these really are fun. I think it’s too late and nobody is reading mine… Oh well…
“FrankJ is dating SarahK,
in other news SarahK is dating FrankJ”
that’s all I’ve been hearing about for months
sighs, picks nose
Son of Risasi
“Scrappleface wins blog award:
In other news, Frank J. decides to change format of website, will now host online cooking webcast. Plans to challenge fellow bloggers to cook off…”
But the question is, precisely which of his fellow bloggers is Frank planning to cook in this contest?
Frank, I think you’ve hit on something here…. Just look at all the response you got.
Cannibals Angry About Frank J Webcast Cookoff:
Frank J is reported to be a head in the arms race…
There better Chris?
Immigrant Aliens Angry over Sprint Wireless Cell Phone Plan:
Not allowed to phone home…
Six Flags Hosting “Pagan Day Only” in Mass.
Parking lot reads: Witch parking only, all others will be toad…
From the AJC:
‘We want the truth to come out’
Truth continues to deny rumors.
From Yahoo:
Visa refusal dashes Islamic scholar’s plans
Islamic scholar looks for terrorist funding elsewhere.
From Yahoo:
Group Tries to Save Statehouse Nude Statue
Years of politician’s hands have worn parts of statue nearly off.
From Yahoo:
Ex-Bush campaign official pleads innocent
Says campaign official: “I haven’t a clue who put the bag of flaming poo on Kerry’s porch.”
Weblink:
Fed Likely to Raise Rate a Quarter Point
Reports indicate this comes after heavy betting on whether Alan Greenspan would eat his booger…
George Michael Furious with Elton John
George: You don’t know me.
Elton John too busy to reply, arguing with methodist ministers over wallpaper colors…
Man bites dog:
Lacy is now being checked for rabies…
(Heh, the story alone was almost to funny to comment on)
One hundred and fifty-ninth!
(Sorry, not good at coming up with headlines)
Okay, I tried to convert Son of Risasi’s binary into ASCII and then English but was unsuccessful. Crap. I don’t think he was spelling anything.
…back to trying to think of a funny headline… aah, screw it, I’ll just read y’all’s.
Basically NCO Guy I was suggesting what Frank ought to get Sarahk for her X-mas present. Don’t get the girl you love a poodle. Get her a poodle shooter…
P.S. Everybody, we should try to drive the comment posting up. LGF always has hundreds of comments. Gotta make Frank look good. Maybe it will boost his spirits after the boot fiasco, and getting spanked by Ott.
Still can’t turn it into letters. Ah, poop. I quit.