You all know that I am a huge Rush Limbaugh fan, and my greatest dream is for him to plug the imao.us website and the imaudio podcast on his show. Well, last week I called in to get on the air again. While chitchatting with call screener Snerdly, I mentioned that I’d be going on a Caribbean cruise for my honeymoon and would be stopping for an afternoon in Cozumel. Snerdly told me that there wouldn’t be time for me to get on the air that day, but if I left my cell number maybe he could call me the next day to get me on the show. I readily gave over the digits, hung up and expected to hear back from him the next day around 10 a.m. (R.L.’s showtime). Instead, my cell phone rang THAT EVENING, and, strangely, the caller i.d. showed “R. LIMBAU” (What? No ‘gh’?). I wet my pants (which really made my rash sting), picked it up, and who should it be but El Rushbo himself! Rush told me that he was a big fan of my website and podcast (practically addicted to them I believe he said) and chit-chatted for 10 minutes or so about the wedding. Then Rush asked if I could pick up a package for him in Cozumel. He promised that if I could do this small favor for him, he would put a free banner link to imao.us on his webpage and give us free plugs over the next few weeks. I was floored that such a great opportunity had come my way, and told him I was more than happy to do it for him.
Anyway, Wednesday rolls around and the ship docks in Cozumel. I go ashore and find the the backstreet pharmacy that Rush told me about. I told the clerk that I was there to pick up “Mr. L’s” package, handed over the heavy envelope Rush had FedEx’d me, and took a satchel filled with a couple dozen bottles of vitamins. When I got back to the ship, I threw the satchel into my suitcase and promptly forgot all about it.
The ship arrived at home port Port Canaveral this morning and the lovely and talented SarahK and the mighty and geniused Frank J. disembarked. We picked up our suitcases at baggage claim (we had to check them the night before) and I headed over to the the security kiosk to get my weapons back. On my way over, I saw a handsome German Shepard sitting there. Since I love dogs, and have been considering purchasing one, I reached out to pet it. Imagine my surprise when the dog, whom I subsequently learned was named “Duke”, bared his teeth, began barking frantically and leapt at me–I thought “could this be the real Chomps?” I fell over and Duke started digging into my bag like Michael Moore at a buffet and barking like he’d found Osama. The police officer asked me what was in there, and I replied dirty clothes, souvenirs and vitamins. I said “just search it and give me my guns back so we can be on our honeymooning way.” Well, guess what, the officer opened up the bottles of vitamins and announced that they all contained “hillbilly heroin” (oxycontin)! I was dumbstruck! Needless to say, I explained how I had picked up the “vitamins” in Cozumel for Rush and that the pharmacy must have given me the wrong prescription. I gave the police Rush’s cell number and told them to call him to clear up this huge misunderstanding. They got through to Rush all-right, but he promptly denied having ever heard of me and hung up.
So here I sit in the internet cafe at the Brevard County Jail, waiting to be arraigned, completely innocent of all charges. I expect to be released shortly. If not, I expect a huge ‘Free Frank J.” protest to be organized by noon. Till then, I’m going to practice singing some Johnny Cash songs. It’s karaoke night in the prison cafeteria tonight.

UPDATE: Now available in the IMAO store . . .