IMAO is proud to present its new daughter company, EarthSpell Corp., a business dedicated to selling carbon offsets and magic beans. I hope you’ll take the time to read about and consider investing in this exciting new emerging market.
EARTHSPELL CORP. FAQ
Q. Why devote a corporation to both carbon offsets and magic beans?
A. While those products seem to be quite dissimilar, studies have shown a large overlap in the consumers interested in such items allowing a unique synergy in the two market efforts that use similar paradigms. Did I say proactive? I should have put the word “proactive” in there somewhere.
Q. How are they similar?
A. Both carbon offsets and magic beans evoke senses of wonder and hope for the future and appeal to creative individuals who believe strongly in magic/science.
Q. How do magic beans work?
A. Magic!
Q. How do carbon offsets work?
A. Science!
Q. What benefits can I expect from the use of magic beans?
A. Due to their strong magic, the only limit to magic beans is your own imagination. Your beans could grow into a beanstalk leading to a city floating on a cloud or perhaps sprout into a fairy princess. Who knows what the magic will unleash?
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Q. What benefits can I expect from the use of carbon offsets?
A. Due to the strong science behind them, there is no limit to carbon output that can be canceled out by our offsets. Our carbon offsets can give you a carbon-neutral lifestyle with no extra effort on your part. If you buy carbon offsets, you can help save the world, and is there anything more important than that? According to our surveys, the answer is either “No” or “Jesus.”
Q. How can I trust the magic in your magic beans?
A. You can trust it because we hire sorcerers from the world-renowned Merlin Council which only approves sorcerers who passed numerous magic tests. Their bean enchantments are surpassed by none.
Q. How can I trust that the carbon offsets I purchase will offset the specified amount?
A. All our scienticians have degrees in the field of carbon offsettery. Plus, you know you can trust them because they have white lab coats and thick-rimmed glasses and use big scientific terms you’ve never heard of like “afforestation.”
Q. Can I eat magic beans?
A. Yes you can, but make sure you’re ready for the responsibility of the new superpowers you could quite possibly develop.
Q. Can I eat carbon offsets?
A. Yes. You receive a certificate representing your offset, and its carbon offsetting power works even if the certificate has been chewed and digested.
Q. Can magic beans offset carbon?
A. Quite possibly since there is no limit to their potential due to the magic involved. Still, only our carbon offsets are scientifically certified for the purposes of offsetting our carbon.
Q. What do you say to charges that your carbon offsets and/or magic beans are a ploy to get money from the gullible?
A. That is simply outrageous. It is sad that some people are so politically motivated and/or lacking in imagination as to denigrate efforts to fill our world with magic and/or save the environment.
Q. I’m not quite sold on your carbon offsets, but I would like to buy some magic beans. How much are they?
A. Only $10 a bag.
Q. Is there any guarantee they’re not just dried beans from a Goya bag?
A. No.
From the Valley of the Jolly–
Are you also going to sell succotash and cauliflower?
I think this could spell the end of your blogging career, since no one will want to be near you with your new vegetarian diet, Frank.
Be careful around open flames, or you could end up using all of your Carbon Offsets, yourself.
First!
One question, If I eat a bag of your magic beans how many carbon offsets would I need to purchase to be carbon neutral on the later methane emmissions?
Can I backdate my carbon offsets to take into account my childhood carbon emissions?
They ARE out of a Goya bag! I knew it!!!!!!!
Is the girl in that photo British or something?
Eating magic beans enables you to shoot rainbows out your ass.
Aren’t we carbon-based lifeforms? Won’t we cease to exist if we eat your carbon offsets? Shouldn’t your offsets come with a warning label?
This is just some ingenious plan to rid the world of the stupid people, isn’t it?
How can we be sure your magic beans are better than these magic beans or these magic beans?
We’re taking up a collection to buy enough carbon offsets to reduce Al Gore’s carbon footprint to zero by reducing Al Gore himself to zero.
Literally- he’s already a zero figuratively.
He’s pretty fat, so we figure this is going to cost a bunch.
Anybody got Bill Gates on speed dial?
you had me at the happy, smiling little girl-where is my wallet.
the field of carbon offsettery? How about the field of carbon offsettricks, can’t you just see the pointy headed people in long white lab coats?
//Anybody got Bill Gates on speed dial?//
Weird Al does…he calls him “Money” for short.
Great, you are going into the green business. In honor of Chuck Norris’ birthday tomorrow, I hope he comes and kicks your ass. Not to mention that you haven’t even mentioned Chuck. Are you turning sissy on us.
Chuck Norris couldn’t beat eggs. Now the glove is thrown onto the other foot, or something.
These carbon offset units are faulty. Sterilize.
Are your magic beans prone to settling in transit, or can I expect a full bag on arrival?
I once purchased magic potato chips, and I was devastated to find the bag half empty. My carbon has been seriously offset every since!
Enough of these half measures. The real solution to the carbon emissions problem is much more direct. We already know more than half of humanity is just taking up space. The solution is to eat our carbon offsets. I’m not just talking about eating poor people either, although that would solve any number of social ills. Annoying wealthy people are worth far more in carbon offsets. Eating an offensive Frenchman is worth dozens of skinny Asians. Eating an intellectual gets you bonus points. Not that they put out so much carbon but everyone appreciates it when they finally shut up. Besides they’re soft and pasty like a fine cut of veal.
By the way that was a satirical piece.
For those that need that explicitly stated.
//Eating an offensive Frenchman is worth dozens of skinny Asians. //
EEWWWWWW!!! Tha’d be like an episode of Fear Factor….
Nice try blowing smoke up my ass…there is no room however, the democratic party has it full up…sigh…
Eat me! I fart in your general direction!
Mmmmm veal….
What were we talking about?