In My World: The New Guy at Al Qaeda

Transcript from the announcement to the press of new al Qaeda interim leader Saif al-Adel:

SAIF AL-ADEL: “Thank you for coming here today. I’m happy to announce that I, Saif al-Adel, am the new leader of Al Qaeda. I’m really excited at this opportunity, and have lots of plans to really advance our cause in the area of killing infidels.”

REPORTER: “Are you upset about what happened to the previous leader?”

SAIF: “I was, but then I heard about how they gave Osama a respectful Islamic burial at sea — which was really nice of them. I mean they didn’t have to do that, but they did. Still, we are going to destroy America because it’s the Great Satan and that’s in our mission statement.”

REPORTER: “So are there more plans to commit terrorist acts on the U.S. mainland?”

SAIF: “First off, we don’t call them ‘terrorist acts’, we call them ‘rapid reorgs’ — because it’s all about change really. Change and martyrism. But we’ve had some problems getting dedicated people in the U.S., since the go to the country and have a Big Mac — which are really tasty — and they decide they just kind of like living there and don’t want to blow themselves up. I think that’s short-sighted, though, but we’ll try to work around it.”

REPORTER: “What is in the Big Mac’s secret sauce?”

SAIF: “I don’t really know. I’m guessing it has mayo in it. We tried sending some people to find that out, but we never heard back from them again.”

REPORTER: “How do you plan to participate in the so-called ‘Arab Spring’?”

SAIF: “I’m glad you asked. We’re very excited about this. Many in the region are wanting to overthrow the current regimes and have a change in their country. Some want that change to be freedom and democracy. We, though, offer the more traditional, time-proven change of murder, mayhem, and killing the Jews. I think in the end, people will come to our side as we’re not some fad like liberty. We’re violent jihad, which has served the people of this region for hundreds of years.”

REPORTER: “We’re you disturbed by the reports that porn was found in Osama’s compound?”

SAIF: “Well, let’s not be too judgmental here. Yes, it is my position that all Muslim women should be covered… but maybe a woman isn’t a Muslim. And maybe she doesn’t like being covered. Maybe she doesn’t like any of herself to be covered. And maybe she likes to have sex while being uncovered. And maybe someone is filming it as it happens. And maybe that film is playing on the TV in front of me. Is it then a sin for me to look? I think it’s a gray area.”

REPORTER: “Are you concerned at all at about SEAL Team Six?”

SAIF: “Interesting story: Right after it was known I’d be taking over, I got a nice note from them that read, ‘We want to congratulate you on your new position as head of al Qaeda. Best of luck, and we’ll soon be seeing you and shooting you in the head.’ Incidentally, I didn’t hear a single thing from SEAL Teams One through Five. So, while SEAL Team Six definitely is a competitor, I’d call it a respectful rivalry. But yes, I am worried about them shooting me in head which is why I should probably end this now and get back into hiding. So, death to America, the Great Satan. Death to Israel, the Little Satan. Death to Canada, the Semi-Satan. And death to Britain… we don’t really have a Satan name for them. Maybe ‘the Crumpet-Eating Satan’.”

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14 Comments

  1. Poor fellow – he inherits all the danger and headaches from his predecessor but not his porn stash. May his earthly troubles soon be behind him.

    BTW: I suggest Britain be called “The Lime Sucking Satan”.

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  2. SAIF: “I was, but then I heard about how they gave Osama a respectful Islamic burial at sea — which was really nice of them. I mean they didn’t have to do that, but they did. Still, we are going to destroy America because it’s the Great Satan and that’s in our mission statement.”

    Reporter: So no matter how many of your kinfolk the US dumps into the ocean, you won’t consider changing your overall mission?

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  3. “We, though, offer the more traditional, time-proven change of murder, mayhem, and killing the Jews. I think in the end, people will come to our side as we’re not some fad like liberty.”

    Pure awesomeness again. This must be Frank’s Week Of Awesome.

    Tnhe press conferance ended because Leon Panetta was seen nearby.

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  4. Excellent, Frank! I think they are going mainstream. So like is this dude going to pump out a Rap Video once a month about putting a cap in the Great Satans ass or what? Our enemies are getting more pathetic! Can’t AquaMan like stir up the pot and like raise Atlantis or something and give us some Awesome enemy to fight? I mean, really a bunch of sheep buggering guys still wearing turbins and riding donkeys? Really? And all we have to do is fly over with a couple of B-52’s loaded with some MOAB’s and b-bye Amar! Not a challange! Why we put boots on the ground when we could be bombing the bajeebers out of these guys is beyond me! We have all sorts of neat bombs. Cluster bombs, Bunker Buster Bombs, MOABS, Nukes! Let’s play with some of our toys!

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