So the government shuts down and Frank J. disappears. Am I government? Well, I do illegally spy on you.
But let’s not worry about that; I’m hear to give you a government shutdown survival guide. Sorry it’s so late; hopefully you aren’t dead already from governmentlessness.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN SURVIVAL GUIDE
* First things first, make sure to find something or someone who will interfere and get in the way of everything you try to do. Needy pets and small children will work fine, but ideally you want it to be someone loud and obnoxious who is constantly pestering you.
* You’ll need someone to randomly take money from you and spend it in ways that benefit absolutely no one. This is hard for civilians to replicate. You may need the person to just burn the money — but far away from you so you don’t even get the benefit of warmth from the burning.
* Form a committee in the neighborhood whose job it is to make decisions on every little thing. No matter how small or insignificant it is, make sure it has to go through the committee first.
* Help someone else pay for credit cards they are using to pay off other credit cards.
* Have someone with no knowledge about health care or economics make decisions on your health insurance.
* Find people to yell at you and look down on you and boss you around. The key, though, is that these need to be really stupid people who ideally have no useful skills or experience whatsoever. Teenagers are a good source for this.
* Find people who aren’t working and pay them to call you a racist and extremist and to demand more money from you.
* * * *
Do all this, and it will be like the government never shutdown. Ah, the comforting feeling of my caring government kicking me in the shins.
I put out an ad in Craig’s List for someone who can produce alerts that notify me of which types of snakes are currently the cause of my imminent death. The ability to tell me how many snakes I’m allowed to purchase in a single transaction is also a plus.
I put out a second ad that deals with snacks.
Things that will put you on par with Obama:
* Building a web site where people sign-up for something? Hire idiots to write the code so they can’t.
* Running a business with a storefront? Put up barricades and hire cops to arrest people trying reach your front door – even though you’re closed.
* Have competition? Trash talk them incessantly. If you demonize them enough, people will believe you eventually.
* Have a lot of important work to do? Ah, screw it. Go play a round of golf, instead.
so, basically, you are telling me to get married?
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No wonder I am doing so much better than most in these end times. I have an Ex-Wife, and she has Lawyers. Got all this covered.
> * Form a committee in the neighborhood whose job it is to make decisions on every little thing. No matter how small or insignificant it is, make sure it has to go through the committee first.
It’s called a Home Owners’ Association.
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