BTW, I now have Laurence Simon’s adulation and praise.
U know what you have?
Yeah, nothing, that’s what.
Man, Bill Quick makes me wish I knew anything about bicycle racing.
Yet I only know about the cycle of violence.
Sure, I have wasp trouble, but Mrs. du Toit had some spider trouble.
Hey, I’ve seen some giant ones down here in Florida.
Irate ones that get high off
Raid and would just get mad if you hit it with a shoe.
That’s what my telescoping baton is for.
Archive of entries posted on June 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Wasps
Wasps were trying to build a nest in front of my garage door. So I got a hose and sprayed the little buggers, and then finished off their nest with my bokken (wooden practice sword). Well, today I find a new nest… not even a nest. Just a tiny little piece that two wasps were standing on, though they barely fit together on it since it is so small. Cheeky little bastards. Guess they don’t take a hint. Next step is chemical warfare.
For others with wasp problems. Here’s some use useful facts:
FUN FACTS ABOUT WASPS
* Wasps tend to build nests where they can have shelter from the rain and best piss people off.
* While bees will only sting in defense of themselves or their hive, a wasp will sting you just because he’s a f**king jerk.
* While many people would think the wasp is closely related to the bee, it’s actually more related to the badger.
* Wasps tend to come from rich families and have good upbringings and join exclusive golf clubs… or maybe I’m thinking of a different kind of wasp.
* While bees collect pollen to make honey for food, I don’t know what the hell wasps eat. I think it’s like birds, rodents, and small children.
* Wasps usually register as independents, but tend to lean Democratic in elections.
* In a fight between wasps and Aquaman, Aquaman would think he could win by hiding under water. But, as soon as he lets his guard down and emerged from water again, the wasps would jump out from behind a rock and sting him dead.
* While wasps building a nest on your house is bad, it’s better than having a monkey nest.
* You cannot cohabit with wasps. First they start out in a nest in front of the garage, next they’ll be in your living room controlling the T.V. remote.
* Wasps, like the zebra, cannot drive a car.
* A Nuke the Moon t-shirt will make you immune to wasp stings.
* Wasps are not very intelligent, but do have just enough intellect to let them be evil… much like Islamic fundamentalists.
* OT: Do not let Islamic fundamentalists build a nest off your garage either. Immediately spray such a nest with a hose.
Frank Tips for Blogging
John Hawkins has always made it a cause of his to help new bloggers, and he recently posted 11 tips for bloggers. Now, I don’t usually give tips to bloggers, because I hate the idea of their being other blogs that distract from me. I also fear of another Scrappleface emerging (“Oh, let’s only mention Scrappleface when we talk about funny blogs. Let’s ignore IMAO. Isn’t Scrappleface a genius for coming up with ‘Axis of Weasels’ even though IMAO had like the exact same joke that day.”)
Damn you, Scrappleface!
Anyway, here are ten tips for new bloggers:
1. Don’t f**k with me. I will destroy you.
2. Don’t just blog about what everyone else is blogging about. If you can’t find anything unique to comment upon, make up a news story and put a phony link to the story that just leads to a broken link screen.
3. Steal from other bloggers. Catch another blogger just as he or she posts a new post. Then steal the whole text and post it with the date saying you posted it even earlier. Then accuse that other blogger of stealing from you.
4. Be a sexy woman and put up a picture of yourself. People like to listen to sexy women… or pretend to listen.
5. Buy a Nuke the Moon t-shirt, take a picture of yourself wearing it and holding a weapon, and then e-mail it to me for my future Peace Gallery where you will get a free link to your site.
6. Steal someone else’s identity. Everyone thinks that’s cute.
7. As Michele well knows, the best way to get more traffic: boobies.
8. Pose shirtless on your main page.
9. Suck up to Glenn Reynolds… or spread vicious lies about him.
10. Post lots of links to my page. Then people will know you are smart.
Damn Masonry
I realized I’ll need some special tools to install the flag holder in the masonry that makes up the exterior of my home. No one else in my neighborhood had flags up, though, except for the kind old man across the street from me who installed a flagpole and has a flag up every morning, God bless him.
Well, while I was outside, the mailman came by and gave me a package containing my Rachel Lucas mug and Celebrate Diversity t-shirt (items that go great with your order of the Nuke the Moon t-shirt… did I mention that’s out now?).
Ahh, a new coffee mug. Did I ever mention how much I love coffee? If I could only keep one vice, either coffee or beer, coffee would win hands down. And I only drink it black and can’t imagine drinking it any other way.
Hey, look! There’s a cup of coffee in front of me right now! Hooray!
Let’s Start a War… Start A Nuclear War…
D’oh. I didn’t realize today was flag day. I’ve had a flag kit sitting next to my front door for like two month now and have been too lazy to go outside and figure where to install it on my house. Better go do it now before people think I hate America (I don’t).
Until then, here’s a flying kitten and two kittens in viking helmets singing about a gay bar. It has nothing to do about homosexuality, and, for that matter, the phrase “gay bar” makes absolutely no sense the way they use it. Anyway, the song’s catchy and I now have “gay bar” echoing over and over in my head, and I want to spread the pain. Click on the link and hate me later.
Filthy Lies: Andrew Sullivan
It’s Saturday, which means it’s time to tell filthy lies about Andrew Sullivan.
“Hey! Look at me! I’m Andrew Sullivan I used to write for the New York Times! I made $80,000 dollars in donations 6 months ago and now I want more money!”
That’s the idea behind his pledge week, which makes me so mad I almost wish I hadn’t donated $20 to him. I probably should have spread this filthy lies before his pledge week, thus leaving more money to be donated to me (or spent on shirts), but now it’s even more spiteful to put out a lie because it makes no sense. Anyway, here is the filthy lie:
So I was attending this big party, and it looked like it was going to be a lot of fun, but, when I first got there, I didn’t see any women. “This isn’t a gay party, is it?” I inquired hesitantly.
“Might as well be,” said one man angrily, “Andrew Sullivan is here.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” I shot back, surprised by what I thought was his homophobia.
The guy then led me to another room where there was Andrew Sullivan, getting it on with every woman at the party! He was making crass moves on all the ladies, drinking domestic beer, and getting in fights with any man who approached him. The guy was a total, flaming hetero!
“Hey, Andrew Sullivan, I thought you were supposed to be gay,” I said to him.
“Nah!” he answered, slapping a nearby woman on the ass, “That’s just shtick I made up to get hired by the Times. Now go get me another beer, bitch.”
He then shook his fist at me threateningly, so I got him his beer. Everyone then tried to enjoy the party, but Andrew Sullivan was just a little too much. He kept acting all macho and tried to make out with every woman there to the point that it became too distracting. Finally, I got the courage to go and talk to him.
“Now, Andrew Sullivan, I like sex with women just as much as the next guy, but you have to turn your heterosexuality down a notch. Everyone is staring at you.”
“You want a fight with me, pussy?” Andrew Sullivan yelled.
“You see! That’s exactly what I’m talking about!” I shot back, “It’s that kind of behavior that gives us heterosexuals a bad name.”
He then hit me with a beer bottle.
Well, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Come on – a conservative homosexual? That just doesn’t make any sense. Why would a homosexual want low taxes, gun rights, and a strong foreign policy? That’s just silly.
Now here’s poorly photoshopped photographic evidence of him getting it on with the ladies to back up the lie:
Okay, I was too lazy to use Photoshop; that’s just Eminem. I think it’s good enough evidence, though.
So there is your filthy lie: Andrew Sullivan is a flaming hetero. Tell all the bloggers. Tell his donors. Tell the New York Times… no wait; no one believes them anymore. Tell the New York Post!
That will teach him for successfully making money with a blog.
Oh yeah, and buy my t-shirt.
UPDATE: A reader, Ryan Sullivan (hmm), has sent in properly photoshopped evidence.
Now the lie is complete. Muh ha ha ha!
Contest Update I
Here’s a random sampling of entries so far to the subtitle contest:
A Monkey-Free Zone since July July 9th, 2002
Hillary’s Favorite Web Site
Yes, we have no bananas.
Frank J: Thwarting Ninjas, Puppy Blenders, and liberals since June 4th, 1979
…inciting the masses
I can see your point, but I still think your full of sh*t
Nuke the moon (and monkeys).
Keeping Tiger-riding Ninja Monkeys at bay since July 9th, 2002
Like I said, that’s just a random sampling. The judges (me) will wait until the deadline Tuesday to pick our (my) favorites. Then it’s up to you people to vote for the next American Idol… I mean IMAO subtitle.
Remember, there will be no second place. Only one subtitle will grace the banner, and only one precious t-shirt will be given out. So keep the entries coming, e-mailing me with the subject “Subtitle”.
Unlike most Saturdays, there will be more blogging tomorrow, including a brand new filthy lie. Now I’m going to drink beer and work on my novel and other intellectual projects.
Links of the Day
Rachel Lucas, the sweetest most lovely blogger of them all, has wrote a very nice post about me and my t-shirts, and says she’ll model one for me for my future “Peace Gallery.” I would be remiss to not mention that, from the same place you can buy my shirt, you can also order the cutest mug ever made. I have one coming to me in the mail right now, and I can’t wait to show it off at work. With my Nuke the Moon t-shirt and Rachel Lucas mug, I’m sure to end up on the management fast track.
Courtney tells the story of a U.S. Army Colonel who played a sick joke on women through the internet… and then she rebuffs me in the same post 🙁 To be honest, I once tried internet dating, but it was to meet someone in the immediate area. And… well, not all stories are lovely fairy tales (or even very interesting).
Frank of On the Fritz reports on a new terror plot that has been stopped. Also, he has already ordered his Nuke the Moon t-shirt (really, he has) which I guess means Fritz must be the evil twin.
Here’s some miscellaneous commentary from John Hawkins before he leaves for the weekend.
Roger L. Simon loves Chairman Deng Xiaopeng! Hooray for dirty Commies!
Michele of a Small Victory will be sporting a Nuke the Moon t-shirt as well. Wow, the internet is full of lovely women, and I don’t just mean the porn.
Frank Answer to a Question Not Yet Asked, But Probably Soon Will Be
How long are you going to keep constantly plugging your shirt?
At least for the week, lasting from now until next Friday (but no promises). I’ll definitely stop when all shirts are sold.
Anyway, I promise this to be the best week at IMAO ever. There will be weekend postings and two of the best In My Worlds™ yet (including a big ensemble one on Monday and the return of the Rumsfeld Strangler™ on Wednesday, both of which will include Chomps).
Now try and think of some good subtitles for the contest. We need something that captures the essence of IMAO and Frank J. in one tidy phrase. I’ve now decided to lift the three entries limit, so go crazy. Just make sure to follow the instructions on e-mailing them to me. Later I’ll update with a random sample of the ones received so far.
Frank Answers: Sunlight, Nuking the Michael Moore, Japanese Spatulas, and How to Be Cool Like Frank
Richard R. from Moabi, Gabon writes:
Over on USS Clueless, SdB has a very long technically precise answer to the following question:
“I’ll keep this short. The following questions came up among a group of engineers at the bar tonight, and I thought I’d ask. Basically, I’m asking you this because you seem to know everything else… Do all points on the equator experience 12 hours of sunlight a day, 365 days/year? If so, please explain. If not, is there any point or any two points that will experience sunlight 12 hours/day, 365 days/year?”
I’m figuring you’ll have a better answer than his.
How the hell would I know?
…I mean, of course I’ll have a better answer than Stephen den Beste. As everyone knows, I’m smarter, I’m sexier, and I have better t-shirts than him.
Due to the rotation of the earth, it’s tilt, it’s path around the sun, and it’s dynamic metarysimal action (a term so scientific that I only know it), there is actually only one point on the earth that gets exactly 12 hours of sunlight every day. The location is unknown, but it is prophesized in the bible (one of the psalms; I forget which) that there lies at the spot a hidden cave guarded by evil leprechauns who kick and bite. These leprechauns are even more angry and drunken than the ones in Ireland, and hardly a man would ever be able to survive an onslaught of their tiny fists.
If somehow one would survive the leprechauns, inside lies The Holy Grail. Well, maybe not The Holy Grail, but a holy grail, nonetheless. Anyway, there will certainly be some stalagmites, which are cool to look at.
I didn’t read Stephen den Beste’s answer, but, if he didn’t mention leprechauns and stalagmites, then he obviously just pulled the answer out of his ass and I would never trust him again.
Max from Fairfield, CT writes:
Dear God, Michael Moore is fat. So if we do eventually, God willing, nuke the moon, could we launch Michael Moore into space and have the sun reflect off of him?
Yeah, right. We’re going to nuke the moon, but not nuke Michael Moore. Please put a little more thought behind your questions, people.
Jared from Littleton, Colorado writes:
I’ve noticed your Japanese subsidiary produces a line of smiley-face spatulas (http://www.imao.co.jp/gift/index.html), among other trinkets. Is the work in these factories being performed by small children, or, due to Japan’s higher labor costs and overly-stringent child labor laws, are you forced to use tamed ninjas?
Hey, that’s supposed to be a secret product line I’m working on (that’s why it’s in Japan). Anyway, there is no such thing as a tamed ninja; were a ninja ever to stop flipping out and cutting people’s heads off, he would cease to exist. Instead, the spatulas are being assembled by trained seals. One of them is named George and he likes to eat fish.
Anyway, right now I’m just focusing on the t-shirts. Smiley-faced spatulas is my next empire.
Tara from Guernica, Spain asks:
Why are you so cool? How can I learn to be more like you?
Asking why I am so cool is asking like why does the wind blow or why does the bird sing.
…well, I guess there are technical answers to those questions. Anyway, let’s move on to how to be cool like me.
First you have to be super smart. I mean like super duper smart. So you have to go to college and study hard things and buy books on science and actually read some. Then you have to have mad skilz, which means taking martial arts and practicing everyday. Owning a katana is a plus. Also, you need to own a 1911 style firearm (that’s a .45 baby; no metric ammo for Frank), and constantly practice your aim at the range.
Then there is personality. You have to have charm and wit, and, when those don’t work, you have to know how to throw a sucker punch.
Of course, there is the sense of humor, but that’s basically just a gift from God. So you need to pray to God to give you a sense of humor. Subtle threats aimed at Him might help.
Of course, the cheapest and most efficient way to be cool like Frank is to buy and wear a Nuke the Moon t-shirt.
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
Show That You Support Peace Through Nuking! Plus, A Contest!
As I announced yesterday, Nuke the Moon t-shirts are now printed and ready to ship.
If you are a regular reader of this site and have never read the peace treatise “Nuke the Moon”, do so now. NOW!
I know you want to show your support for world peace and for this website, and there is no better way that buying one of these t-shirts. And think of the interesting conversations you’ll have when wearing this shirt.
“Nuke the moon? But why?”
“For world peace!”
“How would that lead to world peace?”
“How wouldn’t it? Now get out of my way before I punch you, hippy.”
And, to be clear, I don’t want to actually destroy the moon as some people who like the moon have mistakenly thought, I just want to have a nice light show to scare our enemies and put yet another crater in the big rock. We have the full right to do so; our flag is on the moon so we own it and can do what we want with it.
Anyway, what I want to start is a “Peace Gallery”. People can send in pictures of themselves wearing the t-shirt and displaying their peace tools (known as weapons to layman). Whether it be a rifle, shotgun, handgun, buck knife, sharpened screwdriver, ax handle, or just martial art skilz, show it off with your t-shirt and send me the picture with your name and website URL (if you have one) and be immortalized in the Peace Gallery. Or, if you’re shy, wear a ski or hockey mask and give some scary sounding pseudonym; that’s cool too. Eventually, we’ll have a big gallery showing how many people there are who are ready for the excessive violence that peace entails.
So buy t-shirts! Now!
“But I want a free t-shirt!” you probably whine.
Fine, you win. There will be a contest for a free t-shirt. I’ve grown tired of the current subtitle to my site (“…political musings of a dumb smart guy”) and want a brand new one. Thus, there will be a contest to make a new subtitle for IMAO, with the prize being your very own Nuke the Moon t-shirt. So <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace on the banner.*
So tell everybody about these t-shirts and make them a success. Then, in the future, there can be more IMAO merchandise such as an Enrage Me Rumsfeld doll (you tickle him, then he attacks you violently while yelling, “Rarr!”) and a Buck the Marine action figure (foreigners for killing sold separately). Eventually, maybe IMAO can be a successful business… or a whole conglomerate. And then I’ll be rich and be able to step on the little people. Crunch, crunch go the little people as I step on them. Muh ha ha ha!
Well, I’m getting ahead of myself. As soon as I get my t-shirts, I’ll be the first to post some pictures of me with my favorite tools for peace (and this time I’ll get a friend with a good camera to take the pictures).
Now start thinking of a new site subtitle, and, if you can’t think of one, just buy the shirt.
Can’t wait for shirts… Can’t wait for shirts…
* Contest is not open to IMAO employees (damn, I had a great idea) or their immediate family (that’s means you, Joe and Sarah) or any former girlfriends of said employees. Contest is void where prohibited, whatever that means. If you’re in one of those weird contest prohibiting zones, tell me about it; I’m curious.
They’re Heeeeeere…
Nuke the Moon t-shirts are now in stock (available in Medium, Large, XL, and 2 XL) and will be shipping to those who preordered them.
Of course, this calls for a big promotion and celebration. Details soon. Until then, order your shirt.
UPDATE: If anyone has ideas for promoting selling the shirt, please tell me. And they can’t involve giving away free shirts. More posting on this tomorrow.
Links of the Day
Finally, after months and months, Amish Tech Support’s Dead Pool scores its first points. What a morbidly happy day.
Annika points out the inequity of the “Miss Universe” contest. She’s just upset because she didn’t win.
I’ve decided to add Jay Solo and Chipstah! to my blogroll for reasons of my own. I will no longer accept solicitations to be added to my blogroll; don’t call me, I’ll call you. You can still send me a posts of interest, though, to be included on my Links of the Day.
UPDATE: They always come in pairs. The Dead Pool has now scored its second hit in the same day.
Frank Answers: Virgins in Heaven, Cycle of Violence, and More Ninja Trouble
Jack from Missouri asks:
How many virgins could I get for insulting an Israeli or just annoying one?
This seems like a question for my local blind cleric. So I sought out the cleric and asked, “Do you get virgins in heaven for just annoying or insulting Israelis?”
And he replied, “Kill the Jews!”
“That doesn’t really answer my question…”
“Jews!!! Kill!!!”
I knew this wasn’t going anywhere, so I snatched a pebble from his hand and ran away.
Next I decided to consult Allah himself. Susprisingly, he was available for questions. “So, Allah, do you get any virgins in heaven for just calling an Israelis a ‘doody-head’?”
“That is a great question, my son,” Allah replied, “To know the answer you must… kill the Jews!!!”
“What?”
“Kill!!! Jews!!!”
“Hey! You’re not Allah! You’re Satan!”
“Yeah, you got me,” Satan admitted.
“I can’t believe you; trying to trick people into killing Jews!”
“Yeah, but you were too smart for it,” Satan said, “Why, I bet you are so smart, you could kill way more Jews than those silly Muslims.”
“Well, yes, I am quite smart… Hey! Now you’re trying to appeal to my vanity to get me to kill the Jews! You get out of here you mean bad Satan man!”
So, in conclusion, I’d say if you want virgins, I wouldn’t mess around with those Israelis. They have uzis.
George S. from Austin, TX asks:
What’s this Middle East Cycle of Violence I keep hearing about? Is it Lance Armstrong’s new bike that he’ll be riding in the Tour de France?
Ever since I was a little kid, I always wanted a cycle of violence. One that could launch missiles at the other kids and had bladed spokes to take out the wheels of other cycles.
The Middle East Cycle of Violence is that dream come true: a ten speed bicycle loaded with weaponry (and reflectors to keep you safe when riding in the dark). It’s the first truly original product to come out of the Middle East, and will hopefully finally give them an economy not reliant solely on oil and hating the Jews.
Poosh from Nanjing, China writes:
I took your advice and unleashed Kung Fu on the ninja as you instructed. It was tough at first because life is tough, but, in the space of two hours, I beat his ass into ground. He fled. I thought that was the end of it and contemplated donating some money to you for giving such great advice and helping me face my ninja, BUT, when I looked out the window the next day, there was a squad of ninjas in the garden, messing up the flowers and throwing ninja stars at my window. Apparently if you beat up a ninja he gets his older brothers and cousins onto you… YOU HAVE MADE THINGS WORSE!
First off, IMAO and all it’s subsidiaries (of which there are none) are not responsible for the consequences of following the advice given on this site.
That said, here is some more advice. Yes, defeating one ninja may not be enough to stop the problem, but if you go out and defeat all of them, then they will finally leave you alone. Don’t be too worried; the ninjas’ usual tactics are to circle around you and then attack you only one or two at a time.
Also, to keep ninjas out of your flowers, there are some sprays you can use. You can’t always get them at the supermarket, but ACE Hardware or Home Depot should have some.
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
A Frank Solution for Peace in the Middle East
While taking a shower this morning, I had an epiphany on how the Israelis can have peace with the Palestinians:
Bomb. Rinse. Repeat.
Actually, they might even be able to skip the “rinse” part. As I started to drink my morning cup of coffee though, I realized how futile this search for peace is. It’s completely unrealistic of Israel to have peace when they tried to set up a country surrounded by angry Muslims who want them dead. It’s just never going to work out, so they need to leave.
So where do we make all the Muslims leave to? Since it was my idea, I say America gets first dibs on all the smarts ones who will become doctors and scientists and stuff. As for the really dumb ones, who only know three words of English – “kill”, “the”, and “Jews” – maybe they could go to Australia since there is plenty of open land there. Hopefully they don’t teach the kangaroos to be suicide bombers, though, since their pouches are perfect for it.
The rest can be spread out all over. China could certainly use more Muslims, and there is plenty of room in Russia. And how many Muslims are in Mexico or Columbia? They could use more. We can send some to Antarctica to bother the scientists there (stupid scientists). France could get plenty – hell, they can take that place over. Maybe they’ll assimilate, though, and we’ll soon be yelling, “I hate those cheese-eating surrender Muslims. I curse their mustaches.”
Now the Jews will have the whole Middle East to themselves, and can form a giant Jew-topia. They can sell us the oil there at a discount since we have always been so supportive of Israel, but they get to gouge Europe all they want. Ha, those jackasses will probably have to ride around on bicycles now like caveman.
So what to do about Mecca? Muslims should be allowed to visit as long as they sign a “No Jew Killing” agreement upon entering. But everyone else should be allowed to go too. I know some families from Minnesota who have been dying to tour Mecca. We need to be respectful of Mecca, though. No roller coasters, but maybe a 50’s theme restaurant or two. As for that covered thing they have there, I say leave it covered because it’s mysteriousness adds to the draw. Oh, and I get free season passes to Mecca for coming up with the idea.
I know no one could think my idea was bad, so please comment on how much of a genius I am.