The Democrats are in disarray and need a new leader, if you haven’t heard. I think I have the perfect person: me!
“But you’re loyal to the Republicans!” you’re probably now saying.
True, but, like any good loyalty, it can be bought.
So, for the right price, I will help Democrats with ideas like these:
* Make a great recipe for nachos. Then, if someone says, “You’re nothing but tax-happy, whiny, pacifist wussies,” you can answer, “Yes, but try our nachos.”
* The Democrats are getting too associated with nutso lefties and moronic Hollywood elitists. Have a super-huge “progressive” celebration hosted by Michael Moore in which all the Hollywood left and other muckadoos are invited. Then, burn down the convention center. Make sure no one survives. Act really sad about it for at least three days.
* Democrats need to train hard to stop being such “girly men.” There will be a rigorous exercise routine every morning, afternoon, and at dusk. Finally, Democrats will be dropped into the middle of a forest with nothing but a survival knife. Those who return will be fit to run for office. All others shall feed the worms!
* Democrats need a cool name. The current name is just too ugly sounding.
“Honey, I just finished cleaning some crat out of the gutter.”
Instead, change name to something that’s popular, like ‘NSync.
* In a popular book among dejected loser Democrats, it’s explained how using euphemisms can help Democrats convince people to their side. Why stop there? Instead, let’s come up with completely made up, nice-sounding words for bad things. “Taxes” can be skooble. “Abortion” can be chirpy-diddle.
“We need more skooble to get chirpy-diddle for the poor. Who could be opposed to something so cromulent?”
* Enfranchise monkeys. Studies show that monkeys respond better to the simpler shape of the ‘D’ than the more complex shape of the ‘R’. This should make them a solid Democrat voting block. Be careful, though – they bite!
* Two words for attracting more people to the Democratic Party: Free hat.
* Have a gladiatorial arena for settling inter-party disputes. Those who survive will once again be the stronger candidates. All others shall feed the worms!
* Poisoning your opponent seems to be all the rage in Ukraine; maybe we should import that.
* Since Republicans seem to have a monopoly on the Christian God, try gaining the support of the gods of old like Zeus of the Greeks and Odin of the Norse. Have them challenge the power of the one God. Hopefully that will work out well.
* If worse comes to worst, you can always put LSD in the water come election day.
With all this advice, Democrats should do super-good. Now give me money!
wonderful plan Frank!
I agree: Hat McCullough has suffered enough! Free Hat!
Oh, and the other stuff, too.
I think the name change is a great idea.. and the name N’Sync is no longer taken.. right sarahk?
There’s gonna be a shitload of worms all over the place with this plan. Those poor sissies will never survive your training or the arena.
And since Republicans have a monopoly on the Christian God they’ve chosen the goddess. I think her name is Monica and she likes cigars, but not that way.
A noble democrat embiggens us all.
Would Micheal Moore Actually fit into a convention center?
I liked your first advice better: Find a ditch, crawl in it, and die. What was that sniper’s advice? Oh yeah, “Don’t bother running, you’ll only die tired.”
Now THAT’S more like it. Although good nachos do go a long way…
What? No Pit of Doooom !!! (lights flicker) in your plan?
Can I use all those worms to go fishing? Cool.
Take something (someone?) irritating, turn them into worm food, and do something pleasurable with the worms…
The Jeffrey Dahmer School of Psychology….
My bad basil. I thought the democratic party was the Sea of Denial.
They need a person who can claim to have invented the cell phone, warned the USA of the terrorist attack on March 12, 1937, and is fatter and uglier than M Moore.
Naw, how about this? Get someone who will: cut taxes, fix social security, fill the IRS building with fat happy worms, promise to kill every idiotic evil dictator as soon as they make the news, make everyone at the U.N.(except ambassadors from the USA) wear clown suits during security council meetings, challenge Jock SheeeeRack to a fistfight on his first visit to France, spit tobacco juice on the feet of every foreign leader except Tony Blair, the guy from Japn, and the guy from Australia, and the guy from Italy, and Poland, and maybe someone else, and who is married to someone of the opposite sex that is native to this planet.
Frank,
before suggesting monkeys…look at this!
It has begun…the damn dirty APES!
You might wanna nix the convention center burning if Mikey is included. Do you realize how big or how long a grease fire of that magnitude would burn? The amount of ass…er…ash released alone would block out the sun for decades!
I think the Gods like Seth and Marakduk from the old Middle Eastern Religions would work better, we know for sure they worked for evil.
Aaahhh! Now you’re stealing from Mrs. Crabapple too???
They could also ue a snappy slogan like:
“We may lose a lot, but we keep trying.”
New Dimo slogan:
We’re not LOSING, we’re just not WINNING!
Hat McCullough only acted in self-defence!
FREE HAT NOW!
Is the free hat made of ass?
Apparently, Norman Lear already has his stupid hat.
Hat was just the preprogrammed product of an unloving society that didn’t give him enough of anything he deserved… enough love, enough understanding, enough money, enough perks. You made Hat what he is today! I say YOU, the American people, are guilty… not poor, innocent, unloved Hat! FREE HAT!
“Have a gladiatorial arena for settling inter-party disputes.”
If you mean disputes within the party, that’s intraparty disputes.
Don’t hate me, the monkeys made me do it…
DNC becomes DNSync
Mwheh. Good one Rob D.
No! That’s an insult to NSYNC. How about this for their theme song? “Bye bye bye”!
The Republicans still have the ninja voting block. This could be a problem. How about if the Democrats create a government program to give ninjas corduroy pants so we can hear them coming?
what the hll what do you guys mean free hat he admited to kiling 23 babay what the f**** is wrong with you