(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)
First some housekeeping:
Vote for Frank for best humor blog.
Vote for Meryl for Best of the Top 100 – 250 Blogs. She promised me unspecified favors if she wins, because I got Frank to change his endorsement from me to her.
I like favors.
Moving on… Someone recently informed me that Christmas is coming. I’ve never heard of this… “holiday“… so I did a little research and discovered the following
FUN FACTS ABOUT CHRISTMAS
Christmas celebrates the anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ. Since he was Jewish, he was circumcised 8 days later, which anniversary we now commemorate with the holiday OW!OW!OW!mas
The beloved holiday icon Santa Claus originally wore a green outfit, which he changed to red after joining the Communist Party.
Christmas specials which show Santa’s workshop at the North pole often include penguins. This is factually incorrect, since penguins are native to the SOUTH pole, where, coincidentally, Santa’s evil twin brother Satan Claus has HIS workshop.
He mostly makes fruitcakes – the most concentrated form of evil known to man.
Tree decorating originated with tree-worshipping Druids, whose modern descendants mostly just bitch about globalization and throw garbage cans through windows at Starbucks.
Santa Claus doesn’t make all the Christmas presents himself. Most of the work is done by elves who are much smaller than Santa.
Yeah, he’s compensating for something.
Elves weren’t always small. They used to all be tall and lithe like Orlando Bloom, but eventually they decided they’d rather be short and hairy than tall and femmy-looking.
If an elf bites you, you become one.
Considering how much tail Orlando Bloom is getting these days, that might not be such a bad thing.
Not everyone celebrates Christmas. Jews, (like Meryl, for whom you should vote) celebrate Hanukkah, which commemorates some magic oil that burned for 8 days. Oddly, this is not the same “OIIIIIILLLLL!” that the Iraq war is all about.
Terrorists in Fallujah don’t celebrate Christmas, either. Mostly because they’ve been killed by Americans.
Serves ’em right for faking being dead. Stupid terrorists.
Rastafarians celebrate Christmas by smoking marijuana on Christmas day.
And every other day.
Some families open their presents on Christmas Eve. Some families open their presents on Christmas morning. This or slavery was the cause of the Civil War.
Santa’s sleigh is pulled by reindeer, which are just like regular deer, except somewhat larger and more likely to collapse the roof of your car after they bounce off your hood.
Santa’s reindeer can also fly, probably because they’re Rastafarians.
The French celebrate Christmas by decorating trees and surrendering to them.
The original version of the poem “A Visit From St. Nicholas” listed the reindeer’s names as Smasher, Dandruff, Mincer, Nixon, Vomit, Pooper, Downer, and Blitzkrieg, but these were later changed after numerous complaints to the FCC.
The tradition of kissing under the mistletoe originated to allow married men to make out with their mistresses at office parties, and survives today despite the invention of the broom closet.
Bing Crosby starred in “White Christmas”. Bling-Bling Crosby starred in “Hot Black Studs in Action”. Try not to get those two confused if you’re at Blockbuster searching for family entertainment this holiday season.
Although I have heard that your Aunt Mabel is a HUGE Bling-Bling Crosby fan.
A “Christmas Club” is a savings account in which a person deposits a fixed amount of money regularly to be used at Christmas for shopping. It’s also a stick used to beat up Salvation Army bell-ringers so you can steal their kettles.
I heard your Aunt Mabel has both.
The Friday after Thanksgiving is the second busiest shopping day of the year. The busiest is “Thank God Gas Stations Sell Roses Day”, AKA “Valentine’s Day”.
Every December, Americans mail out a combined total of 9 billion Christmas cards in an effort to keep in touch with loved ones. Which pisses me off because it always delays the delivery of the December issue of “Hefty Hooters” magazine.
Get your damn cards out of the way of my pr0n!
Before settling on the name “Tiny Tim” for the character’s name in “A Christmas Carol”, Charles Dickens also considered such names as Feeble Frank, Crippled Carl, Defective Dan, Hobbling Harry, Broke-ass Bob and Mutilated Marvin.
Eggnog is a traditional holdiday beverage made from eggs and named after the sound people make after having one too many of them.
Christmas was once a moveable feast celebrated at many different times during the year. The choice of December 25 was made by Pope Julius I in the 4th century A.D. so that he could get the day off to go skiing.
During the Christmas season, 1.76 billion candy canes will be made. 2.53 million of them will be stuck in naughty places.
Like kids putting them in the VCR & stuff.
GEEZ! What’d you think I meant?
Look, if you guys are going to let your minds roll around in the gutter like that, I’m just going back home to Bad Example, where that sort of thing never happens.
Or if it does, it’s considered normal, so no one really notices.