I’ll be leaving after work to catch a flight to Amarillo and help SarahK move all her stuff to Florida, so I won’t see you guys again until next week. I didn’t think it was right that only I get to see SarahK, so…
Archive of entries posted on January 2005
Let’s Play “Name That Cat”
A little gray kitten was found in the parking lot of my work place, and I agreed to take her home (when I get back from helping SarahK move this weekend). It’s freaky, man; one moment I’m normal ole Frank J… and soon I’m going to be a cat owner!
Well, I’m trying to think of a good name for a female cat where I can still keep some masculinity. I already had names for dogs picked out from my favorite fiction (when I finally get a dog, I’m naming him “Tuco”), but never considered naming a cat. What’s a good heroine name for a kitty? Best I have so far is “Samus,” but that’s too geeky. Any ideas?
UPDATE: Here’s a picture of the kitten.
I Resolve to Be Resolute
LaShawn Barber asked that I link to her, and you always have to do what LaShawn asks, so I’m linking to her list of New Year’s Resolutions – some of which I might steal for myself. Here are some of my own resolutions:
* Publish book that’s a compilation of my In My World’s.
* Make lots of money from doing so.
* Use money for evil.
* Train in handgun usage such that I can easily draw and hit a monkey between the eyes at fifty paces at a moment’s notice.
* Treat SarahK like a princess when she moves here this weekend… unless she starts nagging (BTW, I have a special project with her that I’m keeping secret for now; it’s so cool to have a girlfriend who shares my main hobby).
* Make it big in the radio industry with my audio bits.
* When I make it big, end blog with a final “screw you readers” post.
* Laugh evilly more often.
* Exercise more.
* Wrestle an alligator.
* Use fire to solve more problems.
* Eat healthier to reduce cholesterol.
* Destroy most of my enemies.
* Create more enemies to have as targets of destruction.
* Be better at regularly reading other blogs.
That’s all I can think of now. What were your resolutions?
Frank J. – Reporter!
I’ve always wanted to go to a CPAC, and almost did in my college days, and this time they have an open call for bloggers. Maybe I should try and go and get some interviews with their speakers. If anyone from CPAC asks about this blog, nothing but serious political discussion goes on here; don’t mention ninjas or monkeys.
Fun Trivia
My only run in with the law was receiving a citation for a wide right turn (I turned right into the left lane). What did I exclaim to the police officer upon receiving the fine?
Social Security Reform: Just Give Me My @#$% Money!
An Editorial by Frank J.
There has been a lot of discussion about Social Security reform, but, to me, the issue is pretty simple: just give me my @#$% money! I don’t who exactly has it now, but I swear to God Almighty that I will find you and I will cut you! I see that money that goes out of my paycheck each month; that’s my @#$% money! You say you’re taking that out for my own good? Do you think I’m a dumb baby? That money would serve me much better in mutual funds or on a craps table. You give it back now or you’re a dead man!
“If old people want my @#$% money, then they will have to fight me for it!”
Who thought of this Social Security and that people should take my @#$% money? Oh yeah, it was FDR. I would cut him, but he’s dead already. Maybe I’ll dig up his corpse and hang it anyway… but that won’t give me my @#$% money! I want my @#$% money and I want it @#$% now!
Many would say that to simply allow me to opt out of Social Security would then leave current senior citizens who count on that money in dire straits. To that I answer that I am really crazy and I will cut you if you don’t give me back my @#$% money! If old people want my @#$% money, then they will have to fight me for it! I will break your hip, old man! What do you want more: your hip, or my @#$% money?
Now, let’s look at the positive economic impact from giving me back my @#$% money. For one, there will be less hospital bills, as there will be no reason for me to cut anyone. Second… I don’t need a second reason! Now give me my @#$% or I cut you bad!
Proposals on the table will let me invest in the private sector some of my money taken from me. This to me sounds like only a partial solution to the problem of me not having my @#$% money right @#$% now, and thus I will respond by only partially cutting you… whoever you are who has my @#$% money. Or maybe I’ll just beat you with a rock.
In conclusion, Social Security has served this nation for many years, but now things have changed… such as that now I will cut you if you don’t give me my @#$% money. I may not know exactly where my @#$% money is, but I know where my knife is. Soon I will know where you are, and then I cut you!
Unless I get my @#$% money!
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “I Will Cut You!: The Book of the Samurai” and “The South Beach Diplomatic Solution to Nuclear Proliferation”.
Women and Guns
Here is a picture of SarahK showing off her Christmas present… and there is a whole gun debate in the comments to go with it. My two cents: if you’re a woman living alone and don’t own a gun, you’re insane.
That reminds me, I still need to get a bunch of new modeling photos I’ve been keeping to myself. Time for a push to sell more W2 shirts in time for inauguration!
Headlines + Fun = Headline Fun!
Clash leaves 7 Palestinians dead
British punk band says they never claimed they had the ability to raise the dead.
Mahmoud Abbas flirts with extremists
“Hey, baby, want to blow up some Jews?” said to be favorite pick-up line.
Annan begins major UN overhaul
Hopes to keep UN focused on what it does best: embezzling.
Argentines Hit Streets Again to Punish Politicians
“Hey, you’re making potholes!” sullen politicians yell.
US help for Thai early alert system
A loud tone will signal if your green curry is dangerously spicy.
Indian security adviser named
We’ll call him “Bill.”
Trapped dolphins symbol of hope
Strangled raccoons to be symbol of peace.
Seattle Police Chief’s Gun Stolen
Seattle Resident Be Warned: A criminal has a gun!
Now you do your own in the comments.
NOW!
Bloggery Reformation
I have a lot of projects I’m working on now, so I’m going to have to streamline my blogging so I can spend more time after work on other things. That means I’ll probably stick to one good humor post each day. Other than that, I think I’ll do some more linking. To start with, everyone should read this story about how a feminine hygiene product saved a life in the hands of a Marine (’bout everyone has linked to it already, but one more link won’t hurt).
Fun Trivia
Frank Predictions for 2005
I know I’m a few days late, and RightWingDuck already did some on my site, but here are my predictions for 2005. Since I didn’t have a crystal ball, I instead consulted crystal meth.
PREDICTIONS FOR 2005
* Michael Moore will make a new “documentary” trying to expose the Iraq war as evil. To do so, he will head to the Middle East to interview terrorists. Since Moore’s body odor is classified as a WMD, Tenet will be vindicated when Moore is discovered in Iraq.
* Saddam’s trial will turn into a circus when the judge rules that clowns and elephants will be allowed in the courtroom. In the end, Saddam is executed by being fired out of a cannon.
* Satan will finally give up on the moral qualms he had and help Hillary Clinton in her run for the presidency in 2008.
* The MSM will break down and devote all its time to pointing out alleged flaws in blog posts.
* Democracy will be such a big hit in Iraq that all the citizens of nearby countries will demand to get in on the fun. Democracy will spread so far that it will eventually reach Canada.
* Jazz legend Bill Clinton will be found dead of a heroin overdose in a seedy motel near Little Rock. There will be a week of mourning during which McDonalds will offer a promotional Big Mac for one dollar in Clinton’s memory.
* George W. Bush will continue to refuse to demand that Kofi Annan resign, even as he personally strangles the Secretary-General of the U.N.
* France will surrender in the war on terror and begin terrorizing themselves. The U.S. will offer to help.
* Democrats will further break down until they become a loosely organized roving gang that jumps people in dark alleys and whines at them.
* Space aliens will land and offer to share their technology to bring us long life and world peace, but we’ll kill all the aliens because they look funny… and we’ll be right to do so!
* Distraught liberals will try to form a perfect society underground, emerging every so often from the sewers to steal bread crusts from our trash cans.
* Dan Rather does an expose on how Jesus never did raise Lazarus from the dead based on memos allegedly typed at the beginning of the first millenium A.D. It recevies little scrutiny from his audience at the nursing home.
* Seven hurricanes will hit Florida. Having to go at least three months without power, I’ll learn to blog using only candles and coconuts.
* SarahK and I, now in the same state, will join forces to rule the blogosphere, then Florida, then Minnesota, and then the world. No monkey will be spared.
A Trillion Saved Is a Trillion Earned
President Bush has plenty of neat new schemes for his second term, but first he has to reduce spending by billions of dollars. Here are my suggestions:
TOP TEN WAYS FOR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT TO REDUCE SPENDING
10. Replace corrupt U.N. which steals billions of dollars with less corrupt one that only steals millions.
9. Instead of using expensive laser-guided bombs to take out strategic targets, use nukes and military might to bully enemy countries into bombing selves.
8. Stop paying Ted Kennedy’s bar tab.
7. Cut up all federal government credit cards except for one with a three trillion dollar limit that earns Delta sky miles.
6. Limit construction of golden statues of congressman to one per representative and two per senator.
5. You know, that whole scenario from Logan’s Run would really save money on Social Security.
4. Each month, rate all bureaucratic agencies on their efficiency and burn to the ground the least efficient one.
3. In the Congress’s cafeteria, replace the ketchup in Heinz ketchup bottles with cheaper Hunt’s Ketchup and hope no one notices.
2. Start a “Stabbing Is Fun” campaign in the military to save on bullets.
And the number one way for the federal government to reduce spending is…
Stop caring about the poor.
Fun Trivia
In My World: Assigning Blame and Retribution
“Before we start the questions,” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced, “I just would like to request that you reporters try and find some other adjectives to describe me with than ‘tubby.'”
“With the death toll from the tsunami likely to hit 150,000, is the Bush administration finally ready to admit that the war in Iraq was a mistake?” a reporter.
Scott just stared back silently in response.
“Bush’s tubby press secretary was rendered speechless by my insightful question,” the reporter said aloud as he wrote in his notepad.
“Okay! That’s it!” Scott shouted angrily, “I put up with your questions about whether Laci Peterson and her child would still be alive if it weren’t for the war in Iraq and whether the Matrix sequels would have been better if we hadn’t ‘rushed to war,’ but now I’m drawing the line. I want some relevant questions.”
“How do you respond to the water god Pochanto saying that the tsunami is in retaliation to Abu Grahib?” another reporter asked.
“Who?” Scott exclaimed, “How do you know that’s not just some crazy guy?”
“It’s not our job as reporters to ‘know,'” the reporter responded indignantly, “It’s our job to say stuff and things to the public.” All the other reporters nodded in agreement.
“Well, even accepting your idiotic premise, the tsunami was caused by an earthquake, so…”
“You admit the Bush administration angered the earth gods then?” one reporter interjected.
“No! There is no relation between the White House policies and the tsunami!”
“Then why weren’t there tsunami during other presidencies, such as the revered Clinton administration?”
“Yeah,” another reporter followed up, “Why won’t Bush ever admit to a mistake and that he has angered the spirits of nature?”
“And how do you respond to the U.N. calling the U.S. stingy in this crisis?”
“How much have you reporters given to help?” Scott challenged.
“It’s not our job to end suffering,” a reporter answered, “It’s just our job to tell people about suffering.” The other reporters nodded in agreement.
Rumsfeld burst through a wall. “Rarr! We will not be stingy with our righteous vengeance!” Rumsfeld yelled as he violently tried to grab the reporters. A chain was holding him back, the end of which was in Chomps’s mouth.
“Please excuse the Secretary of Defense,” Scott said, “He’s been very agitated with reporters since one planted a question with a soldier. Thus, we got Chomps, the world’s angriest dog, to hold him back.”
“Is there any chance that dog will become angry at us instead of the chain he’s holding?”
“Well…”
Chomps stopped violently tugging on the chain to notice the reporters. He then growled, releasing Rumsfeld who shouted “Rarr!” and jumped at the press. Chomps followed suit.
“A whole press conference of reporters was found dead today,” the news anchor announced, “All we’re either mauled, beaten with a chain, or both. Police have no specific suspects but say it was probably the work of an extremist… such as a Christian. All detectives are sure of so far from the evidence collected is that Bush’s Press Secretary is ‘tubby.’ Now stay tuned for a report on how this somewhat senseless slaughter of reporters could have been avoided if it weren’t for President Bush’s rush to war.”
The New Year Begins Tomorrow
Honorable ronin, I return. Tomorrow morning expect a new In My World™ followed by the constant humor you know and love (though I’m gone this coming Friday).
Thanks to the guest bloggers; I actually haven’t had a chance to read all they wrote yet but I heard it’s good. Will do soon… but must write first!