A pretty apt description of our trip.
Poor Joel.
That’s not quite how things went…
And, no, a corkscrew wasn’t what stabbed me in the ass, but it was right next to thing that did.
BTW, the write of this parody blog is the same guy who guest posts here as Frank J (no period after the ‘J’). You can vote here to guess his indentity.

I need to get that codeword thing up and quickly for allowing people to comment. Where’s a link to that again?

I woke up in a cold sweat this morning having had a nightmare about the trip. Anyway, I’ll leave that to SarahK to document all the mishaps. Well, as bad as things were, at least I had my dual .45s on me. There were a few highlights, though. One was the surprise of seeing FlyingSpaceMonkey driving on the highway next to us holding up a sign. We were laughing so hard we nearly crashed in the tunnel (I keep meaning to blogroll SpaceMonkey, and now that he risked his life to see us I should. Eh, I’ll do it later). The other highlight was having dinner with Maggie Katzen and RTO Trainer. Really, there are no better people than blog people, and we could have talked for hours. Maggie has an account of the meeting that isn’t quite like I remember it.
Now I need to catch up on the news having little internet and T.V. exposure for a while. It seems all bad, with more people dying in Iraq, flooding in CA, more death still from the tsunami, and so many people getting fired from CBS News just to prove how bad the economy is under the Bush administration.
Well, my new kitten who I named Sydney after Sydney Bristow from Alias is home. SarahK’s cat, Minerva, who’s at least twice the size of Sydney, keeps trying to play, but Sydney seems to not understand and there is a lot of hissing and spitting. Hopefully, they’ll get along soon. Here are some pictures of Sydney:

Continue reading ‘A Time to Catch Up’ »

Too tired now… will post tomorrow!

Armstrong’s Redemption
I’ve been reading the press reports, following, the news, and of course, reading the blogosphere. I’ve been very disappointed in the coverage to date. Sure, the man made a mistake. But the consensus seems to be: Armstrong is done.
Is this fair. Of course not. But it’s the reality of the situation. Al Sharpton can level false charges and start a race riot that where people die. Jesse Jackson can say anything he wants. In fact, last I checked, I’m not sure which he had in greater abundance — supporters or mistresses.
Now, Armstrong has been caught doing something wrong.Actually, this is only a problem if you’re conservative. If you were liberal, you’d run around waving your hands frantically saying the other side doesn’t care about our kids and whether they can read or not.
Howver, Armstrong can’t play the Race Card.
**
Mr. Williams, I’m with the Race Card. I’m sorry but I came to revoke it.
What, Are you doing this because I’m black?
Sorry, the Race Card isn’t available for conservatives. Here, take this.
The Bigot card?
Sure thing. Plus it comes with 20 free Homophobe points!
**
You think Armstrong is done? What is wrong with you people? Have we learned nothing from watching and mocking liberals without end?
I’d like to present to you
RWD’s Unofficial Armstrong Williams Comeback Plan.
There is a path to redemption and it can be just as fun to watch it unfold.
Step One. Admit you did wrong. A conflict of interest is a conflict of interest. Now, since Liberals don’t understand shame, they will gather around you and move in for the kill. This is just where you want them — close by with a recorder running.
Step Two: Blame George Bush. The stronger the accusation, the better. It can be anything. Anything at all. Yes, somebody paid you money, but the motivation is what will give it some legs. Try these accusations–
“I had a family to feed.”
“I needed to pay for this expensive healthcare!”
“Why isn’t anyone doing anything about global warming?”
Weapons of Mass destruction.”
Tsunamis and American stinginess.
Abu Grahib.
Barney the White House Dog.
Or combine them for added impact and entertainment.
Examples include:
“Global warming has affected my ability to feed my family. Bush doesn’t care.”
“Halliburton has single handedly raised the cost of healthcare for working families.”
Or
“Barney the White House Dog knew of the tsunami and told nobody.”
Step Three. The publicity tour. Ideally, you want to write a book as soon as possible. Now, thankfully, the media will give it a positive review without reading it. In fact, they probably won’t ever read it, so feel free to just borrow another writer’s book and put a new cover on it.
I recommend: Hugh Hewitt’s Blog, Ann Coulter’s ‘How to Talk to a Liberal‘, or David Limbaugh’s ‘Persecution’. Might as well help our conservative friends increase sales.
What happens if somebody does read the book? You have several options.
“Mr. Williams, your book “Halliburton, Barney, and Global Warming” is just a copy of Rush Limbaugh’s “See, I Told You So” with a different cover. Any comment?”
“Really? It must have been a typo. You should go out and by another copy.”
Or
“That explains why Michael Moore didn’t want to make the movie!”
Or
“Man, is there no way for us to escape the horrible reach of the fascist regime?”
Have no fear. Even if they read it, as long as Bush Bashing is involved, the media will cut you lots of slack. During this time, it’s important that you take lots and lots of pictures with Liberal Democrats in as many settings as possible. Attend Democratic Fundraisers, go to movie premieres, attend parties – anywhere where you can take pictures in a buddy-buddy setting.
Step Four: Sit back and wait. This involves a lot of patience. After the book tours are done and the noise settles down, you’ll have to sit in semi retirement — doing an occasional guest visit on TV and/or Radio. You can use this time to read, or fish, or sit at a casino slot machine next to William Bennett. This is your time. Enjoy it.
Step Five. At some point, the Left will do something really stupid. Like present the National Guard documents or nominate John Kerry again. This is the moment. Go on the attack. Tell them you are so outraged, you are now defecting yet once again.
“How can they do this? I believed in the Left, now I’m so outraged, I’m voting Republican!” Hit the talk show circuit again.
Step Six. Write another book. You’ll have to actually write one this time, but it’s a small price to pay. When the Left attacks, as it surely will, flash all those buddy pictures to make them go away. It’s hard for Maureen Dowd to criticize when you have a picture of you holding her head over the toilet while she pukes at Rosie O’ Donnell’s wedding.
Step Seven. Welcome back to the conservative fold!! Remember to NEVER TO DO THIS AGAIN!! Always disclose any conflict of interest.
There it is, ladies and gentlemen. The complete plan. RWD is available for private career counseling.
Mwuhahahaha.
Genius.
Through top secret sources, I, RightWingDuck, was able to locate the first draft of the apology. You will totally not believe what this guy was going to say. Man, these people need me.

Well, just got to internet for the first time in a couple days. Haven’t even reached Mobile, AL, so I won’t be back to regular blogging (or work) tomorrow.
I don’t even want to start talking about the trip; let’s just say it started Friday with me getting stabbed in the ass and only got worse from there on. Just try to imagine all the things that could go wrong driving a 24 foot U-Haul truck towing an SUV and you won’t even be close to all the horrors SarahK and I have been through in this move. I’m just glad there was never any serious consideration of her doing this herself, or she would have driven about an hour and turned around.
Anyway, I’ll leave it to her to document the horrors (after this is done – more horror to come, I’m sure!). This really could be at least a 30 chapter book just on all that went wrong (“Chapter 12: We’re Not Welcome in Jena, LA, Anymore”) – with four to just all the trouble SarahK’s cat has caused.
At least we got to meet a couple bloggers who were really cool (oh… all the meetings SarahK planned with friends and relatives and the troubles with that). We had to cancel seeing one in Mobile, and his photo-journal of the reaction is here.
Thanks to the guest bloggers who filled in (I even got an Instalanche from one). For those who are a little slow, the last post is a joke not written by me (and a clever one at that – SarahK likes the ball and chain one).
See you sometime this month when I get back home. Hopefully I’ll get back before I’m fired from work.
Be honorable, ronin.

Hello Guest Blogger RightWingDuck here with yet another letter from our brave UN Workers. I need to take a moment to thank the Diplomad. This information has been great reading and serves as continuing fodder for these letters (Not that I wouldn’t make this stuff up anyway)
We now continue with more…
UN Letters from the front.
**
My Dearest Claudette:
I hope this letter finds you and the kids well.
We have been very busy here. Meeting after meeting, so many reports and charts to fill in. The pressure is starting to get to the staff and we’re running low on Number 2 pencils.
Today I went to the American hangar to get some reports and pick up our supplies. They were so busy with all their food deliveries I could barely get any service. Of course I needed the information, but we also brought with us a pallet of our own wine. You know how much we love our wine. It’s such a shame that these tragedies never happen in a location with fine vineyards — but that’s just one of the sacrifices we make.
They had the wine, but nobody could share any information with me. Really, Claudette, how are we to announce all the good work of the United Nations if these people can’t give us a tally of their activity? How embarrassing.
Yes, this has been a time of great embarrassment.
What embarrassment? Not that a country had so many people living in shacks that were washed away.
Not that they didn’t have clean drinking water before — but have it now thanks to the — what was it, Dutch? I’m not sure. Thankfully, they weren’t American.
The embarrassment isn’t that their own countrymen are kidnapping surviving children for the sex trade — what a shame, I’ll have to propose we form an assessment team to evaluate that.
No, the greatest embarrassment is that some countries could be giving a lot more money.
Make sure the world does all it can to humiliate the U.S. Those darn choppers just don’t let me sleep anymore. Do they have to deliver food ALL the time?
They’re not even dong it right. Some places have been fed twice, others not at all. Really, do they need to eat twice in a day? They never ate twice before! Where do they think they are — America? Before you know, those tacky fast food outlets will be all over the place. I suspect a secret American Agenda at play again.
By the way, the chef’s dinner last night was superb. He was overwhelmed feeding the crew so they are flying in another chef plus a waiter. Hopefully, we’ll see an improvement in service. Oh, relief from this horrible tragedy. Sometimes I don’t know how I can cope with such a disaster.
It helps when I think of you and the little ones.
Give them a kiss.
All my love
**
I weep.
I weep when I read these. Selfish American Bastards. All of you.
I’m sorry. I got carried away.
Make sure you visit me at www.rightwingduck.net. Later on you can read my wonderful suggestions for catching Osama Bin Laden.
BTW, did anybody notice that Instapundit linked to this site the other day. Yep, it’s what I call Guest Blogger Job Security:)

Posted with utter humility by guest blogger RightWingDuck.
Friends. Sometimes in our rush to laugh at the United Nations for being so utterly useless, we forget that it is composed of people serving and doing their very best. I came across this letter the other day that I think reminds us of what’s truly important in life.
I will continue to post these wonderful letters as I find them.
UN Letters from the front.
My Dearest Claudette:
It has been 24 hours since we landed on this horrible island full of water, dread and misery. No French cuisine anywhere. No opera. No Jerry Lewis festivals playing at the theatre. Oh the humanit. How I long for the wonderful Paris shore. But I have a duty to you and to the United Nations. So here I remain.
Today, we were issued our Toyota Land Rover vehicles. There was a problem at the dealer, but we told them the Americans would be forking over some cash soon. However, all is not good. How can they send us to this mission without the tools we need to carry them out? Of course, for this, we can only blame Monsieur Bush.
My Land Cruiser is missing a CD player. I had all my favorite Jerry Lewis routines recorded onto a CD and now what am I supposed to when I’m driving around looking and listening for survivors?
Not that I can hear anything with that incessant sound of the U.S. Navy helicopters. Really, the Americans love all that military technology, they can get several thousand sailors anywhere in the world in a day or so — you’d think they’d invent a more silent helicopter. I’m sure they do it to annoy us.
My bed is a twin size, when I ordered a King. I said,” I want I Roi size”. They thought I was trying to talk like an American Marine. ‘Urah’, indeed. Not to mention the fact I forgot to pack my favorite slippers. I’ll have to send my little houseboy out to find me some. I can’t imagine that all of the stores are closed for business. Surely they knew we were coming.
I’ll write more later, cheri. I must turn in for the evening. We have a day full of meetings, and more meetings. After that, our chef will be preparing a lovely Thai dinner in honor of our host nation.
Give everyone a kiss and make sure you complain to everyone about the horrible Americans here in Thailand.
**
Let us remember these fine people in the UN. Let us continue to pray for the survivors and they can continue to survive until help gets to them.

A Post by Guest Blogger RightWingDuck.
Friends, CBS will soon be coming out with the resulst of their investigation on the Forged Air National Guard Records. Yes, a complete report after all this time.
Do not be upset this delay. Please understand, it takes two days to decide to air a document, and several months to figure out if it was real.
However, since we are not as bright as those Blue Staters, I decided to put together a translation guide — to better enable you to understand their statements. The Mainstream Media, like all things French, have their own language. Never fear – RightWingDuck is here (Hey, that rhymed).
I present to you..
The RWD Phrasebook of CBS Reporting.
Our goal is to report the facts
We’ll do anything to nuke Bush.
We consulted everything the bloggers have noted
Man, Moxie looks great in go-go boots.
And we held an executive meetings…
Happy Hour, hurray.
And we had many spirited debates.
Drinking, drinking, and RPG barfing.
After a thorough analysis
Where the hell did we put those papers?
And several consultations
Happy Hour!!

With well well known, well respected, professional–
Somebody, who knows somebody,
Typewriting experts
Who knows somebody, who knows my brother-in-law
We can not be sure that these were not originals
We’re too cheap too buy a Selectric typewriter and do a text comparison.
So we made a decision
We flipped a coin
We can’t be sure, but we apologize if people thought we were lying on purpose.
We were lying on purpose.
Dan Rather is deeply embarrassed by all of this..
He’ll never be able to cash a check without 10 forms of ID.
And so is the entire CBS staff.
Is it Happy hour yet?
Good Night.
Cha ching. I’m making big money just for keeping a straight face.
**
There, I hope this better helps you to understand this weird foreign language we keep hearing on TV.
I might have missed something, so tell me if there are any other phrases that may need translating.
BTW, I have a new post up at www.rightwingduck.net regarding this whole Powerline flap with a local columnist on the attack.
Man, these media guys do speak a different language.

Mrs. Greyhawk has an interesting entry to a photoshop contest.
Laurence Simon has his own version of a comic to help Mexicans sneak into our borders. Make sure to read the links on the sidebar in the image. (Hat tip to Michelle Malkin – two l’s)
Now I leave until next week when I return with SarahK and a kitten. I didn’t get to formally e-mailing my guest bloggers, but your free to use my site as a trash bin for unwanted posts until whenever it is I get back.
Be honorable, ronin.

Since everyone seems so sensitive on the issue, so here’s what I propose as the new regulations for interrogating a terrorist:
* He will be asked to “please” give us information.
* If no information is given, he will then be asked to “pretty please” give us information.
* If there is still no response, he will finally be asked to “pretty please with sugar on top” give us information.
* Any further requesting would be badgering and could be construed as torture. If given court approval, though, the interrogator could offer to be the terrorist’s “very best friend” in exchange for information.
There. That should make everyone happy.

There a lot of controversy involving nominating Alberto Gonzales to Attorney General and the issue of torture. Well, look at these e-mails I intercepted between the President and Gonzales (I intercept everyone’s e-mail and it’s perfectly legal; if you ever read one of those software agreements before clicking okay, they all have a section somewhere saying, “…and Frank J. can read your e-mails.”):

To: gonzo_gonzales@hotmail.com
From: dubya@whitehouse.gov
Subject: Torture
Do you think we should allow torture of the terrorists we captured?
* * * *
To: dubya@whitehouse.gov
From: gonzo_gonzales@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Torture
Yes! We should torture them! Torture! Torture! Torture! Torture is fun; I’ll cut them myself. Afterwards, I’ll eat a burrito… since I’m Mexican!
* * * *
To: gonzo_gonzales@hotmail.com
From: dubya@whitehouse.gov
Subject: RE: RE: Torture
Cool beans!

Pretty incriminating.

Senatorette Barbara Boxer is signing on the challenge the Electoral College votes. Many people at Democratic Underground who, as they like to point out constantly, are much smarter and more often right than any of us, are convinced this will lead to Kerry becoming president.
Time to load the shotguns.
Any moment now Kerry is going to storm down the Potomac in his swift boat and take the White House. The lefties, stirred to a frenzy by the coup, will storm the streets as berserkers, attacking everything in site. So lock you doors and keep your weapons at hands. If someone rings your doorbell and identifies himself as “President Kerry,” DO NOT LET HIM IN! Shoot anyone who tries to come in through the windows.
You’re probably asking whether next the dead will rise and eat the flesh of the living – like in Dawn of the Dead. Well, there is no evidence that this won’t happen. I hope you stocked up on ammo.
Damn you, Barbara Boxer! You’ve destroyed civilization! Damn you!