it’s the Jack Bauer Power Hour! complete with graphic violence! spoilers below the fold…

man, why do they have to show Audrey in all the previously clips?

so here we are. Jack is looking at something. Badger is telling someone that the Centox (Syntox? Cintox? at first I thought Symtex, but those are vintage Russian explosives — i learned that on ALIAS) is genuine. and he’s gained about 10 pounds since the previous episode, i’m sure of it. no no! you can’t stab and kill Badger! ugh, i really like him on the show. i mean, for a bad guy. why does Fox always have to kill Badger? MONKEYS!
so the Russian “extremists” (translated Chechnyan Islamofascists) want to kill Nathanson, because he was working with the “Americans” (translated that expletivous traitor Walt), and he is on the run from them.
Lynn’s deadbeat sister and her deadbeat boyfriend are fighting over whether to return Lynn’s CTU keycard. i don’t think he’s with the terrorists, but i do think he’s going to be mischievous with that card.

Audrey is talking. that makes Chloe crumple up her face. Lynn is a hothead, he wants Jack arrested, because Jack saved people’s lives. bad Jack!

Nathanson calls Audrey and wants her to patch him through to Jack. he says he can find the nerve gas.
show note: any time they say “how do i know i can trust you?” and the other person answers “you don’t.” that means that they really can be trusted. it’s good that everyone knows that.

hmm. Nathanson tells Jack that there’s someone else inside the government working in the bad bad terrorist operation. Jack says, “you lie!” and the Russianish-accented guy says, “nuh-uhhhh!”
it’s a Jack Attack! Jack, you say you’re sorry to Curtis right now! you can’t just punch Curtis and make him pass out without apologizing! good Jack.

Lynn’s all ticked off about Curtis being dumped in the ghetto (he’s so pretty, after all!). And he’s yelling and wondering why Jack got a call from “Audrey”. And now Audrey is calling Chloe and saying, “hey, help me trick Lynn! it’s for Jack!” and Chloe’s all like “anything for hunny-bunny Jacko! yeah, let’s do this thing! and when i think of an insult for you, i’m totally gonna say it, because i’m Chloe!” and Audrey’s like “thank you.”

and they trick Lynn, and SarahK’s like, “awwww, crap! i’m gonna start liking Audrey!” and Frank’s like, “only if they send her out on a mission and she shoots someone!”

now Mike and the French President are talking. a terrorist has called Walt’s phone, and Logan is all like, “i’m not talking to a terrorist! terrorists are scary! you do it!” and Mike’s all like, “grow a pair, and stop being so French!” and Logan’s like, “if a terrorist talks to you on the phone, do you become one? or do they have to bite you first?”

so Logan thinks it’s Erwick, but it’s the guy that stabbed Erwick/Badger. and Mr. Switchblade (yeah, it wasn’t one, but that’s a cool sounding knife) wants the Russian president’s motorcade route so that he can assassinate Suvarov, and he tells Logan that Logan has 15 minutes to decide, and Logan starts to say, “i’m not sure i can make a decision in such a short period of time!” but Mr. Switchblade cuts her him off.

and now Mike is wearing his “i’m pensive and reflective” face that he’s been wearing all day, and he tells Logan that Logan can’t sanction the murder of the Russian president (you know, it being an act of war and whatnot), and Logan says that he wants the route, so Mike just does the whole woo-woo crazy signal next to his ear and says, okie dokie.

Lynn tells Bill that Audrey totally tricked him and that Bill should fix the pores of the agency. and Bill says, “why, i know JUST the skin cream for that! i’ll get right on it whenever you’re done with my desk, Mikey!”

Jack and Nathanson, who is apparently not Russian but likes to inflect a bit of some kind of accent just to confuse snarkers like me, talk on the phone. it’s a nice chit-chat, and there are helicopters arriving on the roof where Jack is going to meet Nathanson.

Audrey and Bill have a sweet heart-to-heart, and Bill’s so into her, and she’s so into Jack, and Bill’s going, “d’oh! lost another girl to a former CTU agent.” that reminds me, when’s Tony waking up? anyway, Lynn walks up to spoil their insubordination moment, and Audrey wants to kick him in the shins. just like me.

Jack and Nathanson are hiding from terrorists, or Nathanson is, anyway. ok, Nathanson is fighting a bunch of terrorists with a super-big gun, and then a super-bigger gun, and Jack’s giving him instructions over the phone or earpiece or whatever. hey! isn’t that the rooftop where Jack chased the kid in season 2, and the kid fell on his back and got a pipe to the neck? that building gets around.

Jack the Crackshot takes out the last two, and he and Nathanson have a gunbattle (or Jack does, and N. — what a long stinking name — hangs around and waits to get shot). didn’t N. cut and color his hair since we last saw him? i think so. anyway, N. gets offed, but just in time, he tells Jack to go through his pockets and look for loose change. Jack totally scores, yay!

Jack calls Audrey, but Lynn’s totally up her butt, so she transfers the call to Chloe, who tells Jack that Lynn thinks Audrey’s been talking to Jack behind his back “which i guess she has.” so he uploads the info with his SPRINT!! SPRINT!! SPRINT!!

President Limp-Wrist is just sure that he should give the info to the terrorists, because hey, they’ve got good security on that motorcade!

and Martha comes in and totally verbally kicks Limpy’s pinkytoe and says, hey, you’re the U.S. president, you don’t get to behave like other pinkytoe leaders of other countries! you can’t just sanction murder! you’re not a democrat from Arkansas!!

did i say that out loud? nevermind, forget i said it. really, Hill, i mean Bill, i was kidding! sweetie! lock the doors! where’s Shiny?

so Chloe and Audrey and Bill work together to circumvent Lynn so Chloe can decrypt the chip Jack got. and Lynn throws a hissy-fit and throws Bill out. Audrey’s like, “i’m calling my dad!” and Lynn’s like, “don’t threaten me! Goonies never say threaten!”

Chloe’s on the phone with Jack. “can Buchanan help you?” “he could if he weren’t in holding.” Chloe thinks Lynn is losing it, LOL.

Logan tells the emmy-caliber Jean Smart (really! give that woman every award! who’da thunk? Charlene!) that it’s a difficult decision that has to be made, and Martha wants to put his gralls in a vice (me too!), except he doesn’t have any! she’s horribly torn up over it, and Logan limply hand-shakes Suvarov and bids him a fond adieu. “thank you, President Logan, for everything. especially that kill order!”

sweet! Martha decides to ride to the airport with the Suvarovs and tells Aaron to make sure the President knows where she is. dadgummit, Aaron’s gonna die. he gets in the car with Martha and she tries to tell him to go in the other car, and he insists.

so. next week: Jack gets stun-gunned, and when Lynn tries to get everyone at CTU taken into custody, Curtis says “if you do that, i’m gonna draw my weapon and shoot you, you stupid fat hobbit.” and Logan has to decide whether to let Martha die or not. i’ll bet you anything he says, “welp, she made her own bed, and that’ll sure be a whole lotta trouble out the window. you know, she’s crazy.” which she’s not. bad husband. i want a divorce.