We’re back. Kellie Pickler’s back. I wanna hear about your suntan and your calamari.

IDOLS 01… Paris Bennet is singing Gloria Estefan. For someone so talented, she sure knows how to be a tranquilizer. Tonight I was at Curves, and “Conga” came on. I thought, “If I work out hard enough and breathe hard enough and make those hydraulics squeak loud enough, I won’t have to hear this song.” If only I’d known someone would be singing it on AI, I would have stolen a machine and brought it home for just this moment. I even would have brought that ghastly down-pressing-shoulder-thingy that I’ve pulled muscles on twice. Vocally, it wasn’t very good. She was boring. I’m losing my faith in Paris.

IDOLS 02… Lisa Tucker plays a little electric guitar. Good for her. She’s singing “Here in the Dark”. Fairly boring, but not as boring as Paris was. She owned it better, though. She’s so talented.

Simon apparently took his happy juice tonight. Yes, Ryan is correct. Lisa is likeable. However, Simon has been wrong on who’s likeable, because he really thinks Kellie is.

IDOLS 03… Melissa McGhee. She’s singing Heart, which is always a good choice. “What About Love”. She did a good job, is the best so far tonight. I don’t know what’s up with Simon, because she was really good. I think Simon has already picked his top 6, and she wasn’t in it coming into tonight, so he’s not going to promote her. One thing I’ll say about her: definitely an alto, not even high enough for a soprano 2. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just not usually who you hear in the charts. Usually you’ve got second sopranos, and a few first sopranos. In case y’all are wondering, I’m a second soprano. Anyway, I’m voting for her tonight.

Katharine McPhee is not quitting AI and is not pregnant with Kevin Covais’s baby.

IDOLS 04… Kinnik Sky is singing this horrible Alicia Keys song, “If I Ain’t Got You”. I never heard it until I auditioned in Vegas (for AI 4), and everyone was auditioning with this song. Two girls on my Southwest flight from Albuquerque sang this over the intercom, and this is before I ever got to Vegas, so by the time I even got there, I loooooathed this song. Like more than everyone started loathing “My Heart Will Go On” by the time Celine got around to singing it at the Oscars. So I’m not happy before she even starts. Anyway, I like Kinnik, but this was really bad. She really was offkey for most of the song. Too bad, I think she’s going home.

IDOLS 05… Katharine McPhee, who loves Barbra Streisand, Kellie Pickler, and Stevie Wonder. Three of my favorite things! Her “smoldering” look she speaks of is more of a sweet look, but whatever. She’s singing “Think” by Aretha Franklin. Ok, gut check here. She was good. But seriously, Diana DeGarmo did that better in season 3. Frank thinks she was the best so far, and I think she was good but not great. I don’t know if I’ll vote for her or not. I have to think about it.

Frank is super-impressed with Ryan’s apparent accelerating of the wit. He’s much faster with the comebacks these days.

IDOLS 06… Ayla Brown. Her dad sounds like Elvis she says. Poor child, she should win just based on the torture she’s had to deal with over the years. What a beating for your dad to sound like Elvis. Blech. BTW, what in the syllable-elongated-heck is she singing. I’m picturing Dr. Cox asking that same question. And what is she wearing? Bloomers? Re: the performance. This is awful. “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield, and yes, I had to google that. Ok, that was bad. She might have opened the door for Melissa to take the 6th spot. I really liked her until now, but she does not get my vote tonight. But that’s a hard no-vote, because her dad’s a Republican, so I feel like I should support her. I just can’t get behind her tonight.

IDOLS 07… Mandisa… She sucked her thumb until she was 24. LOL, her poor mother. Oh dear. She’s doing Chaka Khan. Let’s hope it’s not “I Feel For You”. Ok, good, it’s “I’m Every Woman”. She did a fantastic job, and she’s wearing brown (you know I love that). Of course I’ll vote for her, she’s the best of all the women. PLUS SHE’S JUST SO STINKING ADORABLE! I just love that personality.

IDOLS 08… Why they would let Kellie Pickler (Mr. F) go last is just beyond me. She’s way too awful to go last. BTW, make sure to listen to the next IMAO Podcast, where you’ll hear my interview with the (perhaps fake) Kellie Pickler. It should be out tomorrow sometime. She’s showing that her dog is even smarter than her, and he can’t even fetch. She’s singing “I’m the Only One” by Bonnie Raitt. Know what that means? If she can’t handle this 3-note song, she should be banned from singing forever. Wait, can we ban her anyway? “In Hollywood they have something called baseball. I don’t know what that is, but they say it’s as American as apple pie! And I’m like, what’s that?” Holy cow, she shocked me tonight. She only missed 3 or 4 notes! That’s gotta be a personal best for her. Not good enough to vote for, but better than she’s ever been. P.S. If her accent were any more southern she’d be speaking another language. Mr. F.

Oh my goodness, Simon is smoking Paula’s crack pipe tonight. Kellie is a naughty little minx, and he kinda prefers her to Carrie Underwood? Why, because Carrie has brain cells? Because Carrie can actually hit all the notes in a song? Because Carrie uses hand gestures at appropriate moments? Because Carrie has a wonderful voice? I’m just stunned that Simon is so tone-deaf this year. And so blonded by Kellie. Mr. F. “I’m a mink!”

HOLY CRAP! SHE STOLE MY LINE! I’M NOT KIDDING Y’ALL, I ALREADY WROTE MY INTERVIEW FOR THE PODCAST, AND SHE REALLY HAD SAL-MON, PRONOUNCED IT WRONG AND EVERYTHING. AND IN MY INTERVIEW, SHE’S REALLY SHOCKED THAT A SAL-MON STEAK WASN’T MADE OF BEEF. DOGGONE, I CAN CALL THEM. I can’t believe she ruined my sketch. I’ll probably keep it in the podcast anyway. Man, if I’d released it this morning, y’all would be laughing your butts off now. Bad SarahK.