LOS ANGELES (AP) — Hoping to capitalize on the press feeding frenzy surrounding Anna Nicole Smith’s untimely death, publisher Hugh Hefner announced Thursday that the deceased starlet will appear in the May 2007 edition of Playboy magazine. Hefner indicated that Smith’s body will be flown to Los Angeles over the weekend, where it will be posed in a series of tasteful nude beach and horseback riding shots . “We are proud to celebrate Anna Nicole’s life, and death, in the pages of our gentleman’s magazine,” stated Hefner.
Sources close to the deceased starlet have also indicated that plans are in the works for the release of an album of posthumous duets with Tupac Shakur. It is expected that Smith’s body will make a 40 city concert tour supporting the album this summer. “With any luck, and with proper refrigeration, I hope we can put off burial until at least mid-2008,” announced Smith’s attorney and common law husband Howard K. Stern.
Hmmm. Do I smell a “Weekend at Anna Nicole’s” movie? Perhaps a poor choice of words…anyhoo, time to bring Andrew McCarthy out of retirement.
Possibly she could be “posed” with James Brown!
I thought I’d seen the worst of the media’s Anna Nicole fixation, but they’re actually, literally, giving her the same coverage they give presidential funerals!
Watching FoxNews this morning, all the images were of the funeral procession taking her coffin to the airport for transport to Bermuda!
Oh. I’m not into the whole necrophilia thing, so I might write “return to sender” on my May magazine.
Obviously a stunt to promote the start of the third season of Girls Next Door this Sunday….
At least it’s pretty safe to say that she’s no less coherent now than she was a month ago.
You know what she’d say if she were alive today?
“Help! Help! Let me out! It’s cold in here!”
Yeah, I know that’s old, but as long as were letting the deceased loiter, what the hell.
I suspect that Anna Nicole is getting bitch slapped by Marilyn Monroe right about now.
Frankly, it’s shocking Howard K. Stern didn’t try to sell her on E-Bay.
NATIONAL ENQUIRER EXCLUSIVE: SILICONE LEAK KILLED ANNA NICOLE SMITH, PRELIMINARY FINDINGS INDICATE
Implants — leaking and causing a massive overdose of silicone– killed Anna Nicole Smith, the National Enquirer has discovered exclusively. And we’re sticking to it.
In the new issue just sleazing now into newsstands near you, The ENQUIRER reports that preliminary findings reveal that tests performed during the autopsy show Anna Nicole had a severe case of leaking implants caused by repeated air travel. The latest set of ‘budget boobie bags,’ bringing her total to 5 implants per breast, sprang a leak on a recent trip to the Bahamas, causing what doctors call a “Silicone Cascade,” and permanently pickling the former playmate and full-time gold-digger with a toxic stew that will embalm and preserve her body until the sun itself burns out and it gets so cold that Hillary needs a thermal bra. Certain non-prescription recreational drugs that she took also combined with the gallons of silicone and formed an adamantine, epoxy-like material that would do Wolverine himself proud. This made the condition far worse and, while playing a role in her death, did assure she would have a beautiful corpse. The complex brew of chemicals in her body overwhelmed the available computer systems and the full toxicology report has not yet been completed.
Sources very close to the death investigation told The ENQUIRER that the gradual mummification caused by the mix of drugs and silicone masked the seriousness of her condition, causing pneumonia-like symptoms. Anna Nicole had previously been repeatedly hospitalized for bed burns, lockjaw and whiplash in the Bahamas both before and after her son died.
This time, the drugs Anna Nicole was taking masked her symptoms and quickened the deadly effects of the silicone. The hazardous waste permits required for her burial were under review at the time of this article and awaiting the usual approval pending pay-offs.
All the details are in the next issue of The ENQUIRER in the Bulls**t or Not section, located up front.
Published on: 03/2/2007
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Hell, she probably just stood up from the table. I would think that the massive blood shift involved in keeping those massive sweater kittens viable would have drained her brain to the point of death.
Even WITHOUT the addition of diet aids and whatever Stern cough–pimp–cough might have acquired for her on the free-lance pharmaceuticals circuit.
Anyone still speculating about who the father of the baby is? My money’s on Anna’s son…he kills himself right before she’s born? Anna doesn’t want any paternity tests done? Now THAT’s what inquiring minds want to read about. Just weird enough to be possible, kids
Thor:
Damn. I wish I saw your comment before we did the whole Anna Nicole riff. I may just tell the guys to do the whole thing over again:
“NATIONAL ENQUIRER EXCLUSIVE: STANDING UP KILLED ANNA NICOLE SMITH, PRELIMINARY FINDINGS INDICATE”