I found out some people are now declaring the first of each month “Eco Monday.” So I decided to share some environmental tips. For those who missed them, here they are:
FRANK ENVIRONMENTAL TIPS
Developing countries are some of the worst polluters. Support military strikes against them.
Number one source of global warming: the sun. It’s time scientists figure out how to eliminate it.
Burning down your neighbor’s house is a great way to offset your carbon footprint.
Save trees and reduce toilet paper waste by using a colostomy bag.
Don’t dispose of hippies in a landfill. Recycle them as compost. Makes it harder for cops to find you and helps the environment.
Before you save an environment, make sure it’s THE environment and not the environment’s evil twin brother Steve.
Riding a horse to work isn’t more environmentally friendly if the horse is driving an SUV.
Unmarked hobo graveyards help your garden grow.
Don’t believe the propaganda: Plants continue to be our enemies. No mercy to plants.
The Earth would probably last longer if it wasn’t constantly exposed to direct sunlight.
No matter how much it whines, no matter how much it cries, never ever feed the earth after midnight.
Don’t raise the dead as zombies. That directly removes precious nitrates from the soil.
Compact fluorescent light bulbs use even less electricity if you just leave them on a store shelf.
Live the most environmentally friendly way possible – in a medically induced coma.
Free toxic chemicals back to the environment from which they came!
Squirrels are not part of the environment and they are stealing all our acorns! For the love of all that’s holy, DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!
Mother Earth loves oil! Pour your un-used gas and other petroleum based products out in your back yard and give Mother Earth a much needed drink. After all, we get oil from Mother Earth so let’s give her back a drink once in awhile…
Sponsor a carbon friendly “green” Nissan Altima Hybrid for your local police and also buy them skirts and estrogen pills as a compliment…
While I agree that squirrels are not a part of the environment, I fail to see how stealing ACORNs is a bad thing. If they had done it proficiently, the Presidential Election Outcome might have been very different.
Never offer squirrels coffee, it would counteract the crystal meth in their system, with disasterous consequences.
This is top notch right here.
I support toilet free Mondays on Capitol Hill. Let them all go pop a squat in the congressional community garden out back. The fertilizer that comes out of their rear ends has to be less harmful than the fertilizer that comes out of their mouths.
squirrels+acorns=voter fraud
For that matter #1, Mother Earth craves mercury and all heavy metals. When your new fluorescent light bulbs burn-out or break, don’t recycle them as hazardous waster per EPA guidelines. No. Throw ’em into your Democrat neighbor’s garbage can at night out by the curb. They’ll either go unnoticed, or, your neighbor will be cited and fined by the garbage police. The incident(s) might even make a Republican out of him.
At first, I thought Secret Squirrel was one of the ‘good guys’, but now that I think about it, his partner is Morocco Mole, obviously a Muslim double agent. I suspect that Secret Squirrel works for O-bah-muhh (President Zero), because his secret agent designation is Agent 000.>>>I’m still waiting for my Secret Squirrel Decoder Ring from sending in boxtops of O-bah-muhh O’s Cereal
When my long-term light bulbs burn out I have been breaking them and dumping the mercury into Lake Minnetonka. I’ve always heard not to eat the fish from the lake because they are loaded with mercury so I figured they are eating mercury so I thought I’d feed mother earth’s friends the little fishies, since obviously they have been munching on the stuff for years…
What keeps my garden green is composted steer manure. Beef… it’s what’s for dinner… even when it’s green.
Point 1: Liberals believe we are killing the earth with our carbon footprints
Point 2: Liberals want us all to lower our carbon footprint even if they have to force us to do it.
Point 3: Liberals believe in the idea of “carbon offsets” where they purchase environmental indulgences that allows them to continue to live a guilt free life while changing nothing else.
Point 4: Military members (both liberal and conservative) will gladly sacrifice their lives for what they believe in.
Taking all these into consideration I propose that we create the “One Less Liberal Carbon Offset Company” (OLLCOCo). For the price of a single bullet or baseball bat, we will return one liberal to the arms of Mother Ghia. This action will provide a lifetime carbon offset for one conservative.
It’s a win win for everyone!!!
Good stuff fellas, don’t ever change™.
Compact fluorescent light bulbs use even less electricity if you just leave them on a store shelf.
That’s always been my purchasing habits. Incandescents rule!
Hunting and fishing for daily protein is eco-friendly — no plastic or styrofoam packaging!
Can we start compiling a list of who else needs to be composted besides hippies? Howzabout convicted criminals, illegal aliens, miscellaneous freeloaders, Congresscritters, most Hollywood celebrities, and assorted RINOs? They may as well be good for something.
Envrionmental Tip: Since hippies like to get stoned I say hit them with a rock when they go to fire up a Doobie. It’s safe for the enrionment because the hippies get the same results of smoking a doobie without lighting up and releasing air pollution with there smoke. It’s a win win deal……
A Sierra Club “canvasser” (note the embedded three-letter word) knocked on my door last week and started her spiel, which included saving the earth with fluorescent bulbs and noting Sierra Club’s involvement in lobbying Congress for that law. I asked this dim bulb if she knew what was in the bulbs. She didn’t. I asked her if she had read the disposal regulations published by the EPA. She hadn’t. I asked her if she knew what was coming next (mass-produced LED bulbs that last a lifetime). She didn’t know what ‘LED’ stood for. So, I spent about five minutes enlightening her about technology of light and recommended that she study-up on it before advocating for something she knows nothing about for an organization full of similarly uninformed people.
I offer her as evidence of the mindset of our country’s ‘majority.’
Brilliant! I love this idea. There must be other
dirty trickslessons that could similarly enlighten democrat neighbors, friends, co-workers.Jimmy says:
…When your new fluorescent light bulbs burn-out or break…Throw ‘em into your Democrat neighbor’s garbage can at night out by the curb. They’ll either go unnoticed, or, your neighbor will be cited and fined by the garbage police. The incident(s) might even make a Republican out of him.
Shouldn’t one make a call to the EPA (from a pay phone, of course) and report this environmental tragedy so that the guys swoop into your neighbors with hazmat suits and all? Sounds like great entertainment to me!
Don’t throw your garbage out. Send it to Al Gore. He knows people that can recycle it.
Recycle a hybrid by driving over it in your Hummer to compact it before throwing it out. It makes recycling fun!! Special bonus points can be awarded if there are hippies in the hybrid at the time.
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We need to clear cut more forests and clear more rain forests in the Amazon. These plants are certainly emitting lots of CO2. And that’s bad. Real bad.
Would burning down the rain forests offset their own carbon footprint in the long run?
Stop funding the fight against malaria and other third world diseases.
Start funding countries that will go to war against each other.
Obviously the more people killed, the less carbon footprints there are.
The added benefit of these wars is that while they are fighting each other, they leave us alone.
Some of the most peaceful years was when Iran and Iraq were pounding the hell out of each other. Plus they certainly lowered the carbon footprints by a few million in the process.
Let’s tell China they can have Iran and we won’t bother them should they decide to attack.
Cars are good for the plants becuase all that CO2 that cars produce is good for all plantlife and as for border fences blocking wildlife as the eco-freaks claim well birds are not stopped by walls since they can fly right over walls
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Rainforests are just full of trees, and trees need carbon-dioxide to live. If we all drive our SUVs a few extra miles every day, we can save the rainforests.
Cut your household energy usage by increasing the amount of energy you use, but not by as much
as you would have if you could waste as much as you wanted. (modeled after Obama plan to cut
government spending)
That should be a t-shirt.
Wow, you’re hilarious…. no really you are. You’re a legend… in your own mind. thank goodness the internet has given a voice to every narcissistic moron in the world.