Archive of entries posted on December 2009

Random Thoughts

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Not having Obamacare pass the Senate is great. It both helps the country and marks Obama as a complete failure.

My office desk is aspiring to become a refrigerator and is practicing on my legs.

People say I’m hyper-partisan, but I have never killed a Democrat.

Is there anything important we need Obama to do that his animatronic in the Hall of Presidents can’t do? I’m not saying we should replace Obama with his animatronic, but it’s probably a better backup than Biden.

If you did a Venn diagram of wonks and geeks, it would be a circle.

When Obama takes on those fat cats, I hope he finally brings that Boss Tweed down to size.

Lieberman did warn Kos that if they struck him down, he would become more powerful than they could possibly imagine.

What Does IMAO Stand For?

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IMAO stands for Independent Martial Arts Organization. IMAO has always been a great supporter of kicking people in the face. Many will say that kicking people in the face is unnatural, for if God wanted us to put our feet in other people’s face, He wouldn’t have put feet all the way down at the bottom of our legs.

Poppycock!

Kicking people in the face is a perfectly natural thing to do. I’d try it out the next time you see a face you don’t like.

You might want to stretch first.

Grading Obama’s First Year

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Obama gave himself a B+ for his first year in office. I could only imagine then that a C would be the complete collapse of America, a D would be the entire world getting nuked, and an F would be the destruction of the universe. Anyway, it’s nice to know Obama is really pushing himself if he considers his craptacular first year a B+.

I would grade him differently, though. Here’s how I break it down:

Being Able to Spend America’s Money in a Somewhat Rational Manner: F

Understanding Basic Principle that Spending More Money Increases Debt: F

Not Bowing to Everyone: F

Hiring People for His Administration Who Aren’t Radical Freaks That No Sane Man Would Have Any Dealings With: F

Not Getting Head Stuck in a Bucket: F

Presenting Image of a President Who Knows What He’s Doing and Isn’t Just Randomly Flailing Around: F

Having Normal Looking Ears: F

Tackling the Issues Important to Americans and Not Just His Pet Projects: F

Refraining from Using the Constitution as Toilet Paper: F

Not Giving Terrorists Big Public Platform: F

Tackling What to Do with Afghanistan Right Away and Not Spending a Lot of Time Instead Getting a Manicure or Whatever: F

Not Putting Being Popular Around the World Above Actually Accomplishing Things: F

Stopping Iran from Building Nukes… Or At Least Slowing them Down: F

Not Spending Trillions of Dollars in a Completely Pointless Way and Labeling It “Stimulus”: F

Paying Attention to the Wars and the Economy Instead of Trying to Overhaul a Large Segment of the Economy: F

Being Able to Tell a Window from a Door and Not Walking into Them: F

Not Squandering Public Approval in Record Time: F

Overall Grade: D+ (it’s graded on a curve)

So how do you rate Obama’s first year?

Party of Science!

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Remember, Republicans are anti-Science! and Democrats are the party of Science!. As G.K. Chesterton never actually said:

“When a man ceases to believe in God, he doesn’t believe in nothing. He believes in anything.”

I wonder if this knowledge can be used against Democrats, like if there is a big vote coming up Republicans can scare them away by dressing up as ghosts? Of course, Senator Byrd would probably take it the wrong way…

Random Thoughts

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Why are so many sci-fi films anti-human? So far we’re the only known choice, so you might as well get behind us. Also, I take anti-human as anti-American, since Americans are the dominant humans.

My favorite specie after humans would be the dog followed by the blobfish.

It would be nice if humor had some sort of peer review process so I wouldn’t have to guess at what’s funny anymore.

Should we keep looking for better politicians or just come to grips with the fact that they’re basically all sociopaths?

If we executed everyone who wants to limit world population, it would really cut down on world population.

Was I the only one hoping Avatar would be the game Ultima turned into a movie?

If we go into an ice age, I say we burn climate scientists for warmth.

BAD: Spent entire weekend at hospital because of my Dad’s illness. GOOD: Got out of seeing New Moon.

Hospitals don’t like you bringing in outside food because they make all their money from concessions. Thanks, Obamacare!

Sherlock Holmes looks like a ripoff of Dr. House.

Lessons in Captioning: Brevity

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TEEEEJ was kind enough to send me this lolterizt! pic:

Not bad, but it could be better.

So, instead of just throwing it in with the rest of the collection next week, I’m gonna use it as a teachable moment on the importance of brevity in captioning, and show you how to make the same joke in three words:

Now, the risk I take in the shorter version is that readers won’t know what a PDA is, or that they’ll think about the other PDA. But that’s what reference links are for.

Feel free to debate the relative merits of both approaches in the comments.

Frank on Science!: Evolution

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Evolution has been a problem with layman. First you have those with religious objections to it who declare it false but don’t really understand. Then you have those accepting of Science! and declare it true… and don’t really understand. I mean we keep explaining natural selection and mutations, but everyone keeps getting it in their head that evolution works the way Lamarck described it. Frankly, evolution is so complicated I don’t even know why we even bothered telling it to laymen. Darwin should have just kept it to himself and the immediate scientific community to keep everyone from getting their stupid all over it. I wish we’d do that with more Science!. The average man doesn’t need to know the earth goes around the sun; we should just keep stuff like that to ourselves.

But I digress. Anyway, instead of trying to explain evolution to you just so you cannot understand it, I’m going to explain just the most fundamental part of evolution: Why it proves that God didn’t create life.

As I said, evolution is very complicated. DNA, changing habitats, billions of years — a lot to comprehend. By analyzing the Bible, though, we can get a basic idea of God’s intelligence level, and the only conclusion Science! can make is that evolution is far too complicated for God to have done. God has demonstrated pretty much no advanced scientific knowledge, so it’s just unfathomable He would have had anything to do with evolution. If man were made from sculpting clay, then it’s believable God made us, but we just don’t see how He could have kept up with all the genetic changes to make man from a paramecium. And it doesn’t stop there. To even get to the conditions of having an earth on which life would form, God would have to have started His plan at the Big Bang fourteen billion years ago knowing exactly how an incalculable number of particles would form to eventually lead to now. That would take omniscience and some sort of infinite intelligence, something so ridiculous that you’ll have to excuse me while I laugh at the very notion.

Ha ho hee har ho ha hee!

By the way, based upon the intelligence level of Allah gather by analyzing the Koran, it would only be believable he made life if we were all made out of Legos.

Science!

UPDATE:

Oh, I see everyone has their own clever little saying they think disproves evolution. Poor foolish scientists spending time analyzing DNA and fossils when they could have just saved all that time and came up with a clever little saying.

“Scientists say that according to gravity everything is attracted to everything else. That means they’re trying to say I’m attracted to men! Gravity isn’t real Science! and just something moron scientists made up to prove everyone is homosexual!”

Thank you, laymen; please explain to us scientists what Science! is. We’re reeeeealy interested.

Science!

Should We Replace Obama with a Cardboard Cutout?

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When Obama didn’t show up at an event in Norway, they used a cardboard cutout of him instead. That got me thinking: What an awesome idea! Maybe we should replace our Obama with a cardboard cutout.

Let’s weigh the advantages and disadvantages:

ADVANTAGES OF CARDBOARD CUTOUT OBAMA
* Less deleterious to bipartisanship.
* Would not seek out new spending.
* Would not bow to foreign leaders (if weighted down against wind).
* Does just as much as real Obama to earn a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Does not have radical friends.
* Just as charismatic and inspirational as real Obama.
* Will not walk into doors and windows.
* Doesn’t talk about self all the time.
* As concerned about the economy as real Obama.
* Is neutral on the issue of rough treatment of terrorists.
* As much practical experience as real Obama… even more if the cardboard was a box before becoming Obama.
* Not influenced by corrupt Chicago political practices.
* Not a socialist.
* No desire to be on TV everyday.

DISADVANTAGES OF CARDBOARD CUTOUT OBAMA
* Can’t read from teleprompter.
* Would actually take even longer than real Obama on important decisions like troops for Afghanistan.
* No birth certificate and even more suspicions of being born outside the country due to “Made in China” label.

Looks like it’s worth considering.

Random Thoughts

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Many environmentalists said twenty years ago the earth had only ten years to live, so it should really cherish each additional year.

Just for the record, I’d rather the whole planet die than be a socialist.

You may think I’m extreme, but I think your face is ugly, so we’re at an impasse.

If Norwegians awarded me a Nobel Peace Prize, I’d declare war on them.

There is no good reason to set a puppy on fire unless it’s racist.

2010 better be an epic slaughter of Democrats or Republicans are a complete failure.

Lies Told About Obama

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Obama accused Republicans of trying to frighten Americans about his policy. I thought this was more of his usual whining (Democrats love whining!), but I checked the internets and there are a lot of lies people are propagating about Obama. Here are some I found:

LIES BEING TOLD ABOUT OBAMA

* Obama’s policies have really helped the economy.

* Obama is committed to victory in Afghanistan.

* Obama’s health care plan will improve health care and lower costs.

* The one thing Obama is not going to do is bankrupt the country.

* Obama never gets his head stuck in a bucket.

* Obama deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.

* Obama is smart.

* Obama’s actions encourage bipartisanship.

* Obama has normal ears.

* Obama’s close friends and associates are quite unlike those of a crack dealer.

* Obama can complete a coherent sentence without a teleprompter.

* Obama’s concerns match those of the average American.

* Obama cherishes the American values of freedom and self-reliance.

* Obama is proud of America and represents it strongly abroad.

* Obama has many solutions other than blaming Bush.

* Obama is a capitalist.

* There is strong evidence Obama is not an alien reptile.

* At least one other president in American history was less qualified than Obama.

* Obama appears to be learning what it is to be a leader quite quickly.

* Obama has at least a slight idea what he is doing.