(Suggested by CarolynTheMommy [High Praise!])
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
Two Popes walk into a bar…
(Suggested by CarolynTheMommy [High Praise!])
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
Two Popes walk into a bar…
…and say “Ouch!”
…and the bartender said, “Will the REAL Pope please sit down?”
…and the bartender exclaims, “Whoa! Two?! Holy See-it!”
[story buildup goes here, followed by]…and the first Pope says, “That’s OK. I just bet the other Pope I could whiz all over you bar and you’d just laugh your arse off.”
…and they both blurted out the Patton line, “God will not permit this to happen!”
…and the bartender who was a quantum physicist for his day job said, “One of you is dead and the other is both dead and alive.”
…one tripped, but the other was infallible.
…and both of them said, “I’ll have what’s he’s having.”
…only one comes out.
There can be only one.
…and they say CarolyntheMommy, this was your idea, you take it from here.
….cause it was two Pope Shakur’s karaoke night.
Indeed, jw, we can blame CarolyntheMommy for this conundrum.
Two Popes walk into a bar…. Well, actually it was an altar rail, but it still hurt nonetheless.
…and said, “It’s Friday, got any fish?”, and the bartender responded, “Nope, I guess its just nun for you.”
…and the Pope says, “I’ll have some water.” So the bartender hands him a glass of water and the first Pope waves his hand, turning the water into an awesome 2002 cab sav. “I am allowed this miricale as a sign I am the real Pope.” And the bartender, “Wow” and turns to the other Pope. “What will you have?” And the second Pope says, “His wine. My miracle will be changing it back to water….”
…owned by Patrick Roi… Benedict says, I was the Holy Father so long I like to call Francis my Holy son, and Roi answered, “…and I’m your goalie host.”
Two Popes walk into a bar… then walk in two Rabbis, two Imams and two Boy Scouts. The bartender just stares at them. A few minutes go by and one of the Popes says, “What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen two Popes, two Rabbis, two Imams and two Boy Scouts before?” The bartender says, “I’m sorry. When I didn’t see two hookers and two nuns walk in with you, I thought maybe the rest of the joke just needed time to find a parking spot.”
– Dang, P*ssing off the whole trinity takes some effort…. 😉
Two Popes walk into a bar. A guy at the bar turns toward them, squints, shakes his head, looks at the glass in his hand, and says, “Man, that’s the strongest club soda I’ve EVER had.”
…and a woman approaches them and says, “I don’t believe in the bible cause is don’t say nuthin’ ’bout PMS,” Francis was stuck, but Benedict countered, “My good woman, when Joseph took Mary and the baby Jesus to flee from Herod to the land of the pharaohs, it says right in the bible that Mary road Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt.”
…and said, “Where’s the two ducks?”
@Apostic – O:)
@19 – or “…Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt.” Doh.
…and one of them goes to the karaoke host and requests “Nobody Likes Me”. The host is a bit surpised by this selection. The other pope notes the host’s concern and says, “What? You never heard of the ‘Duet of Worms?'”
… and the bartender says “hey… I got this idea for a stage act… I call it ‘The Aristocrats’ “
. . . and then Francis said to Benedict “Now where is that nun with the bad tooth”.
The bartender immediately pushed the mechanical bull out of the way and started selling tickets to ride the Holy See, Saw
@ Fangbeer says:
March 25th, 2013 at 12:47 pm
We take it it wasn’t a papal bull….
…and Benedict, who is going more than a little blind, say’s “…any one want to hear a good dumb blonde joke?” Frances whispers to him, “The Bouncer is blond and about 280 pounds, there 2 off-duty firemen that are good-sized blond swedish boys at the bar, and the police officer that just followed us in is blond, you sure you want to go ahead with that joke?” To which Benedict responded, “Not if I’m gonna have to explain it 4 times….”
Actually… Frankie and I walked in and changed the club soda into Dom Perignon. (He was a Dominican monk after all.) Frankie pointed his mitre hat towards the jukebox, said vox populi and Sinatra began to play. We then shot a little pool, watched Notre Dame take on Fordham on the widescreen, knocked back a plate of nachos, heard the confessions of a couple of the waitresses and then took a cab out to JFK to catch the papal jet and fly back to Vat-City.
… Now, it was known that these two popes were identical except that on always tells the truth and the other one always lies. So: What does the bartender ask which Pope to find out what they’ll be drinking. Answer: He doesn’t. Neither of them has ID, proving they are over 21. They are ejected.
…Francis says to Benedict, ‘Hurry up and order, I’m thirsty,’ and Benedict replies, ‘Lighten up, Francis.’
…and the bartender was Father Guido Sarducci smoking a cigarette.
and the bartender says “What’s up with the funny hats?” and the Popes answer “What hats….?”
The two Popes walk into a bar… you’d think one of them would have seen it.
with the Dalai Lama, and the bartender says, “Yesterday you came in here with two Presidents, the day before with two NYC mayors, and now with two popes, but there’s only ever one of you, “That’s because I’m one with everything,” said the Lama.
(We are going to severely punish CarolynTheMommy for this straight line, aren’t we? 😉 )
…and the bartender said, “Where’s the third one?” And one of the Popes (it doesn’t matter, see) said, “He’s dead, Jim.”
…and the French one with the white stripe is named Pope Le Pew, the other one named Ron Pope is an eel and is there to sell combo bread slicer/fish scalers.
…and the bartender said, “What can I do ya?” And the Popes said in unison, “Wine. Bring us wine.” So, the bartender poured a couple of wines. Pope #1 said, “I can name that vintage in two sips.” “Oh yeah?” replied Pope #2. “I can name that vintage in one sip!” Both Popes took their sips and announced their results. “WRONG! barked the bartender. “They’re ‘wine coolers,’ made in America. This is a chick bar.” “Oh, God!” moaned the two Popes – in unison.
…and a goat started screaming.
…and noticed no other clergy in the establishment. Francis was stunned and said, “Oh God no Benedict… We’ve inadvertantly walked into a Lay bar.”
….and start playing Quarters.
What! Two Catholics in a bar and neither of them is Irish?!
…and get stuck talking to the crying guy, who keeps telling them that it’s his dad’s bar and that he’s got 11 brothers and sisters.
…and were somewhat disgusted to encounter two Bar stools, Eric Holder and Barack Obama, before the Health Dept. had the place closed down.
…but they were just there looking for a couple of St. Pauli girls who needed designated drivers.
…and get kicked out by the grammar nazis who say they should be called II Popes.
and the bar tender asked, “Is this a joke?”
…and the even more near sighted rabbi walked into Bar Refaeli.
…and a drunk says, “Whoa, I’m seeing double…four Popes!”
…it was Saturday and the rabbi had the day off.
…Francis said, “Give us something strong… we played hookey Easter Sunday to go play golf…. and each of us got a hole in one.” “God must really like you, ” said the bartender. “No” said Benedict, “It’s our punishment, our best golf hole ever… AND WHO CAN WE TELL!!!”
…because it was the late 14th century, just after the Papal Schism. Get it, it’s a reference to a point in Catholic history when two separate men each claimed to be the Pope, it’s funny.
…and CarolynTheMommy sneaks out the back twice just to be sure.
…surprising Father Guido Sarducci who thought the two Pope minimum would mean fewer people in the audience.
@49 yeah, especially since the last of the Avignon popes was also named Benedict.
…and the bartender says “wow, it’s a long way from Avignon, Pope Benedict!”
..and they asked the bartender to switch the TV to the Saints game
…but they weren’t hipster Popes and order Vat 69 just to be ironic.
…and they didn’t order shooters or they would have gone in on their PopemoSegways.
Okay people…lets try and face reality here. All of these joke with the exception of @42 suck. Yes! They really suck, and badly…including mine @34. I’ll admit it I was grasping at straws and missed them as were all of you, except @42. Please…just try and be honest here, read and evaluate these jokes…they truly suck, big time, they’re just God awful. If we were writers for Jay Leno we’d be fired in a heartbeat…and rightfully so. If we were minor league baseball players we’d never make it to the majors. If we were football players we’d be playing for the Barcelona Barracudas…forever. If we were Columbus we’d have missed America and instead would have discovered the Falkland Islands. But buck up! At least we didn’t vote for Obama…at least I didn’t!
…The bartender exclaimed “I didn’t expect the bloody Spanish Inquisition!”
zzyzx is having a bad joke day and CarolyntheMommy is conspicuously absent!
@zzyzy – Lighten up Francis
a lightning bolt kills francis, obama laughs at ghod and says. “haha you missed again.”
because they could.
… and instead of a waitress, there is a priest taking Holy Orders.
… and they run into Father Neal. And then this whole Abbott and Costello routine follows, and, well, I won’t describe the whole thing, but it’s really funny. Especially the part when Benedict tries to order some eggs, and Francis calls for a Virgin Mary. God, it’s funny.
… while the bishops were outside doing the hundred mitre dash.
… and just as they’re about to enjoy their appetizers, a bell rings, and an angel gets their wings.
… to celebrate the Resurrection. They ordered a Rolling Rock.
… one last time before joining Cathaholics Anonymous.
… and ordered a John the Baptist beer: “And put a head on it.”
… had a drink, and rode off on their Vespers.
… and the bartender asked Francis, “What’s with the other pope?” Francis answered, “He’s my altar ego. I’m just taking him out for a little exorcise.”
… with the Swiss Guard. The bartender asked, “What’s with the soldiers?” Francis answered, “Oh, that’s my Swiss Army troop. I’d leave them at home, but they come in so handy, and have so many attachments.”
… right in the middle of a hold-up. It was OK, because Francis had a canon, and Benedict had a missal.
… and the bartender looked up and said, “Sorry , we don’t serve Franks and Benes.”
@54 – Yeah, the jokes are awful, but these are “walked into a bar” jokes. Being awful is half the fun with these.
…and it turns out to be a fern bar which would have been funny about thirty years ago.
…and see Obama nursing an O’Douls and whining that God shouldn’t have given him everything he wanted cuz it turns out that kinda sucks.
…and see Jay Leno’s writers pouring beer into their tear ducts because it’s still happy hour.
…and say that 54 is a sign from above that 63 is proven by what is found in the immediate hereafter.
My computer was busted! Sorry!
Two popes walk into a bar and start blessing all the bottles
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