OBAMA: “Okay. I guess you aren’t going to blink, so we finally give him. We will accept the defunding of Obamacare. And I dressed up like a baby and gave a whole address to the nation consisting of goos and gas. And I punched Harry Reid in the face.”

REPUBLICANS: “We didn’t ask for that last one.”

OBAMA: “Well, it happened. So, you got everything you wanted. Please end this government shutdown.”

REPUBLICANS: “Yeah… well… we kinda like the shutdown now. I mean we’re always talking about reducing the government, but we can never do it. And now it’s shutdown, and that’s kinda like a reduction.”

OBAMA: “But we can’t leave it shutdown! We need a fully functional government so it can keep park rangers from needlessly harassing people!”

REPUBLICANS: “Nah. I think we’re good. A government shutdown equals less government. We did right.”

OBAMA: “But what about the debt ceiling?”

REPUBLICANS: “Oh, well, we were discussing that one too. We’re always talking about cutting spending, but all the the government spending ever does is increase. Hey, but know what would stop it? Not raising the debt ceiling.”

OBAMA: “But if we don’t raise it, we’ll default! It will be a disaster!”

REPUBLICANS: “Like a sequester-sized disaster or a government shutdown-sized disaster or an actual problem?”

OBAMA: “You will destroy this country!”

REPUBLICANS: “Or — and listen to this one — we actually not spend more money. Like we cut stuff so we stay under the debt ceiling. I know; spending within our limits. It’s a radical idea.”

OBAMA: “What?! All economists say budgets shouldn’t add up! You’ve gone insane! You can’t do this! Harry Reid, come over here.”

REID: “What? I was just going to– AH! YOU PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE!”

OBAMA: “There, Republicans; you got what you wanted. Raise the debt ceiling.”

REPUBLICANS: “We never asked you to punch Harry Reid.”

OBAMA: “Fine. Reid, you can go.”

REPUBLICANS: “Hey, we didn’t say stop, either.”