Democrats Accuse GOP of Voter Rights Violations in Wisconsin

Posted on June 5, 2012 4:45 pm

MILWAUKEE (AP) – As voting proceeds in the contentious Wisconsin recall elections, members of the Milwaukee Democratic Party claim that Republican “poll watchers” are interfering with dead people’s right to vote.

Milwaukee County Dem Chair Sachin Chheda said that Walker supporters can’t get through the day without “cheating.”

“Why you no let me vote? Also, BRAAAAAAAAINSSSS!”

“This latest lowlife sleaze comes on the heels of countless reports from around the state of various Republican dirty tricks on behalf of Walker,” Chheda said in a statement. “For instance, reports surfaced last weekend that Walker supporters are paying gravediggers to post Walker signs on fresh plots.”

“Even worse,” Chheda continued, “there are numerous accounts of so-called Republican ‘poll-watchers’ refusing to allow people to vote simply because they happened to be Metabolically-Challenged. That sort of blatant discrimination is simply unacceptable in a city less than 100 miles from Chicago, the birthplace of the Deceased-American Rights movement.”

“Besides,” concluded Chheda, “a lot of these voters aren’t really ‘dead-dead’. We have a large Norwegian population in this area, and many of them are simply pining for the fjords.”

A state GOP source dismissed the accusations, saying it was expected from Democrats who have made voter suppression claims part of their playbook.

“That’s just what they do, they’re simply setting the stage for a close election,” the source said. “The story doesn’t exist until they provide evidence. My grandmother’s been dead for 20 years, and she voted just fine. Although she voted for Joe McCarthy. Seems her dirt nap didn’t help her senility any.”

“Also,” continued the source, “These voters are NOT pining! They’ve passed on! These voters are no more! They have ceased to be! They’ve expired and gone to meet their maker! They’re stiffs! Bereft of life! They rest in peace! If Democrats hadn’t dragged them to the voting booth, they’d be pushing up the daisies! Their metabolic processes are now history! They’re off the twig! They’ve kicked the bucket, they’ve shuffled off their mortal coils, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible!

“These,” concluded the source angrily, “ARE EX-VOTERS!”

Meanwhile, State Sen. Lena Taylor, D-Milwaukee, sent a letter to Government Accountability Board Director Kevin Kennedy asking for an investigation into the alleged suppressive activities, explaining that the Republicans “most likely stunned the voters just as they were waking up.”

“Norwegians stun easily,” said Taylor, “everybody knows that.”

[Ace IMAO Reporter Larsinkima [High Praise!] contributed to this story.]

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5 Responses to “Democrats Accuse GOP of Voter Rights Violations in Wisconsin”

  1. Zaklog the Great says:

    Interesting claims (the real ones, not this story). I wonder if they’re going to bother to provide evidence or just yell futilely about how evil Republicans are.

    Is it possible? Yes. Is their word in these matters worth anything any longer? No.

  2. MarkoMancuso says:

    Ahhh, that’s the stuff.

  3. Son of Bob says:

    Yes, the Republican party did almost nothing to help or support Walker throughout this entire recall fiasco, however, once Walker was comfortably ahead in the polls they invested in robo-calls. Umm…okay.

  4. Jimmy says:

    They’re six feet under! They’re not just ready for the land, they’re in it! They checked their eyelids for light leaks for the last time! They’re residents of Purgatory! They left no forwarding address! They’re off-planet! Out of business. Outta here! Nada! Nichts. Squat! Effluent! Worm food! Gone for good! Intestate completed! Epilog read! Vamoose!

    Democrat voters: dying and going away since 1957.

  5. 4of7 says:

    Monty Python’s Flying Circus – keeping PBS alive since the 70’s. (love the dead parrot ref.)

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