There have been many problems and scandals with the White House and Republicans in general lately, and it can be quite daunting to follow it all. Thus, as a service to fellow Americans (and the curious nationality-challenged), IMAO is providing this FAQ to explain everything as simply as possible. Remember, IMAO is patriotic first and a money-grubbing blog second (a very close second).
THE CONSERVATIVE CRACK-UP FAQ

Q. In brief, what are the problems facing the conservative movement right now?
A. Implosion.
Q. Uh… how about less briefly.
A. Apparently – and I am having to make some guesses to fill in the gaps – Cheney, conspiring with half of Bush’s staff, had the covert agent Valerie Plame exposed and then hired an ex-KGB agent (using money Tom “Smiley” Delay laundered from excessive pork-barrel spending) for a failed assassination attempt against her. This was all in retaliation for Joe Wilson revealing that Iraq had no WMDs and that the only reason for war with them was that Saddam refused a Halliburton contract. Since some of the evidence was in New Orleans, Bush blew up the levees in an attempted cover up (and because, as has been revealed on a secretly taped conversation that should be in next week’s news cycle, he hates all black people).
Q. I don’t see how we can spin this.
A. It gets worse.
Q. How?!
A. In tomorrow’s news cycle, expect to hear about Bush’s weather machine that malfunctioned after he tried to give America eternal sunshine and instead caused all these hurricanes.
Q. He’s playing God! The man is insane!
A. Clinically insane. Documents proving that should be reprinted in papers by the end of the week. Speaking of insane, we haven’t even touched the subject of the Harriet Miers nomination.
Q. Why is it that, every time I see a picture of Harriet Miers, I suddenly turn away as if something just struck me in the eye?
A. That’s because her nomination is like spitting in the eye of all conservatives.
Q. Even the blind ones?
A. Even the blind ones.
Q. So why did he do it?
A. Apparently, Bush practices “cronyism” and only appoints people he personally knows from chatting with him or her at the water cooler in the White House.
Q. I once saw that water cooler in a White House tour!
A. They used to discuss episodes of Seinfeld there.
Q. But, Alan Greenspan’s successor, Ben Bernanke, isn’t a crony, is he?
A. Bernanke was only nominated because he used to clean out the gutters at Bush’s ranch and he and Bush occasionally had discussions about football. Bernanke’s only qualification is that he once did his own taxes.
Q. Is there any chance Bush will see the outcry and withdraw the Miers nomination?
A. No. He’s too stubborn.
Q. As stubborn as a mule?
A. More stubborn. A standard mule beating (a “SMuB” for short) is defined as the amount of beating that would 75% of the time get compliance from the average mule. Bush has received the equivalent of 1.34 GigaSMuBs from the press coverage of him, and he’s yet to comply once.
Q. So he’s 1.34 billion times as stubborn as a mule?
A. No, you’re not looking at the math right. He’s at least 1.34 billion times as stubborn as a mule (and, mathematically, highly probably to be much much more stubborn than that based on current data).
Q. Egads!
A. I know. Doesn’t stuff like that make you wish you had a chalkboard in your garage to run out to and hastily write equations on like that guy in Numb3rs?
Q. No.
A. Okay, I guess that’s just me.
Q. So what happens now?
A. We wait until the inevitable loony-liberal take over of Congress in 2006 followed by the Hillary Clinton presidency in 2008 and then 500 years of darkness (300 with good behavior).
Q. But it was prophesized that such things could not happen while God still looked over this land!
A. The official word is that, displeased with the Harriet Miers nomination, God has abandoned us and is now devoting His time to working on Mexico. I, for one, wish Him the best of luck in His new endeavor.
Q. Is there anything we can do?
A. Nope.
Q. Nothing at all?
A. Well, nothing that wouldn’t take a lot of work that I frankly don’t have time for.
Q. Can we flee?
A. To where? All other countries suck. Plus, I really think I need to keep my house at least another two years to get a good return on the investment.
Q. Maybe I can use my guns against the liberals when they take over.
A. I’d keep that on the table – and I mean I’d literally keep my guns out on a table ready to use.
Q. I guess the only thing left is to hope and pray.
A. You can hope, but, as already discussed, God has abandoned us and won’t hear your prayers unless you’re south of the border and speaking Spanish.
Q. Woe! Be this the end of [insert your name here]?
A. Perhaps, but I do have good news.
Q. What?
A. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico (I really did!).
Q. I want to punch you.
A. Get in line.