well, Frank wants me to start cross-posting these here now that we’re to this stage of the competition. so here are my thoughts on last night’s show…

Day One

Kelly Pickler. already on my nerves. i’m sorry, i’m sure she’s real sweet, but i think her dumb girl act is waaaaaay over the top. and if she’s really as dumb as she lets on, we can’t make her the next American Idol, because we’ll start seeing tabloid pictures of her driving with her baby in her lap. btw, she was flat on almost every high note in “Hopelessly Devoted to You”.

Patrick Hall. i love his voice. and they haven’t let him talk much, which is probably good, because if all these kids have the same personality… yeesh.

hey, good! that married guy who dirty danced with Paula like he couldn’t wait to get her into bed is going home already! i’m glad.

Lisa Tucker is only 16? man, she’s beautiful. very powerful vocal chords. weird, she’s awesome on the higher notes and a little flat on a few of the lower notes. actually, i guess that’s not weird, because i struggle with low notes too.

Matthew Buckstein. how did he make it to Hollywood? what??? moving on??? his “Hopelessly Devoted” was soooo painful to listen to. he’s trying to be Tim McGraw, but his voice is incredibly forced. i’d love to hear his natural voice, but this is not it. bleh.

i’ll repeat what i said during the Super Bowl. the Burger King Whopperettes commercial is one of the worst commercials i’ve seen in my entire life.

Paris Bennet. wow, she just has everything. she’s an absolute star.

Taylor Hicks. they’re gonna have to do something about that hair. i’m not saying color it, but cut it. but man, i love the way he sings.

Garet the cowboy. he’s like the Kelly Pickler from Wisconsin, but he seems completely genuine. i know he’s going home, but he’s so sweet i just don’t want him to.

Day Two

Megan Zeiger. you know what’s awful is i know she can sing. i can tell. i mean look at her! she knows how bad it is and she knows it’s not what she can do. and she should stop talking before people stop liking her. especially since she’s been crying all day and is up there talking about how she’s smiling and having a good time. but she knew when to stop anyway.

how cute! look at all the sick people! and the pianist-blamers! send them all home. especially the ones blaming the piano. you have to be able to adapt.

so next are Terrell and Derrell Brittenum. Derrell – eh, didn’t we have Nikko Smith last year singing the same songs with the same voice? no offense. Terrell – he actually has something different about his voice, it’s interesting. but i can’t tell if it’s phlegm or effect. oh. and now they’re talking. ok, they can go home. didn’t they get arrested anyway? oh, please please stop talking. i now can’t stand you. newsflash: Carrie Underwood? awesome. her album’s great, too. America doesn’t like mouthy people. we like nice people. be nice, boys.
Paula should definitely try to hide it when she wants to sex up the boy singers. she really needs to get ahold of herself.
David Radford. are you kidding me? he’s terrible. absolutely awful.
Brett Young? he’s really good, but he’s gonna be one of those obnoxious ones, you know it. i mean, he calls himself Ace.

Joshua Simmons. wow. i never thought i’d see a black guy sing a Rascal Flatts song. oh, come on! you know you were all thinking it! anyway, he was pretty good, had a few blah notes, but as good as any of these other jokers they’re letting through.

Jarrett Simmons. the high note was good for him, the rest of it was not so good. eh.

uh oh, they’re going home, please don’t let them start mouthing off. and who is that girl who’s all over everyone out in the hall? and now the Brittenums are patronizing them. and you KNOW the Simmons twins just want to stomp on their toes! i would! ah, just kidding, you know they’re all gonna be the best of friends forever and ever! BF4FR!!
Garet Layne Johnson. ok, he’s definitely taken the voice lessons and gotten better since the first audition. he’s one of those improvin’ types. AND YAY!! HE MADE IT TO THE NEXT ROUND!! he’s so sweet, i just want to hug him and bake him a pie. my heart just breaks when he cries. ok, fine, two pies!

Chris Daughtry. very good. flat notes, but i’ll call it nerves.

Katharine McPhee. love her voice. she’s adorable.

Dave Hoover. he’s a bit insane, i guess that’s his bit, but he’s gonna have to chill. you know who he reminds me of? the TSO singer. i don’t know if the mannerisms are the same, but the sound anyway. i do like the way he exited, though. he was happy and giddy that he made it as far as he did. kudos to him.

and to the girl standing next to the van holding her shoes about to head back to the Bronx with someone else’s money: please don’t speak anymore.

i wanna hear about your suntan.