WASHINGTON (AP) – In a rare public discussion of her husband’s infidelity, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton said Monday that she probably could not have gotten through her marital troubles without relying on her faith in God and her insatiable lust for power.
Clinton stood by her decision to stay in the marriage in the aftermath of former President Clinton’s admission that he had an affair, as she considered it God’s will as well as a path to becoming the most powerful woman on earth.
“I am very grateful that I had a grounding in faith that gave me the courage and the strength to do what I thought was right, regardless of what the world thought,” Clinton said during a forum where the three leading Democratic presidential candidates talked about faith and values. “And as president, my position of unquestioned authority will allow me to continue ignoring the world’s opinion. I can’t wait!” she gloated.
“I’m not sure I would have gotten through it without my faith,” she said in response to a question about how she dealt with the infidelity. “The fact that it locked in the ‘cuckolded wives vote’ didn’t hurt, either,” she chuckled darkly.

“Hillary finds your lack of faith disturbing.”

Clinton said she’s “been tested in ways that are both publicly known and those that are not so well known or not known at all.” She said it’s those times when her personal faith, the prayers of others, and knowing enough political dirt to make Congress her bitch have sustained her.
“At those moments in time when you are tested, it is absolutely essential that you be grounded in your faith,” she said. “It also helps to be willing to throw anyone under the bus if it’ll get you one step closer to having your hand on the Bible in January of 2009.”
Also during the forum, moderator Soledad O’Brien asked candidate John Edwards to name the biggest sin he ever committed, and he won the audience’s applause when he said he would have a hard time naming only one thing.
“As a former personal injury lawyer, I’ve borne more false witness than a semi full of OJ trial transcripts. I’m totally going to hell,” Edwards said.
“Still,” he mused, “unlike Hillary, there are SOME things I won’t do in my quest for the Presidency. Like that time Hillary shot a campaign-worker as an example to the others. It’s vicious ruthlessness like that – and religious faith – that’s making her the Democratic front-runner for 2008.”
Edwards also said he doesn’t feel his belief in evolution is inconsistent with his belief in Christ and he doesn’t personally feel gays should be married, although as president he wouldn’t impose his belief system on the rest of the country.
“I have a deep and abiding love for my Lord, Jesus Christ,” Edwards said, “but I don’t have Hillary’s despotic thirst for total domination. I only wish I had her raw, Stalinesque passion for forcing people to cower before her iron-fisted authoritarianism.”
Presidential hopeful Barack Obama said he believes that the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, 2001, were the result of evil. But he said that the United States’ treatment of prisoners at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay is unjust.
“The danger of using good verses evil in the context of war is that it may lead us to be not as critical as we should about our own actions,” Obama said to applause. “So basically I’m a pants-wetting Nancy-boy who can’t even give murdering terrorists the level of condemnation that Jesus gave the moneychangers.”
“My faith,” continued Obama, “is weaker than a tubercular kitten, as is my determination to become President. It’s a job for which I obviously lack the stones. Now Hillary, on the other hand… she TOTALLY wears her ovaries on the outside, if you know what I mean.”
“Big BRASS ovaries,” Obama said enviously, “and strong religious faith.”
Clinton acknowledged that talking about her religious beliefs doesn’t come naturally to her.
“I take my faith very seriously and very personally,” she said, “but not as personally as disloyalty or failing to avert your gaze when I enter a room.”
“And I come from a tradition that is perhaps a little too suspicious of people who wear their faith on their sleeves,” Clinton continued, the flames of hell dancing merrily in her eyes, “but the future slave-citizens of the United States of Hillary better damn well wear their unquestioning obedience on their sleeves.”
“There will be,” Clinton said, “plenty of walls, blindfolds, and last cigarettes for those who don’t.”
“For that,” she added, “I thank God every day.”