Fade in:

Camera Shot:   .

LEM is working at the bench. PHIL comes in. His usual comeover hair style has been changed to the best replica his thinning hair can manage of an einsteinian mad-scientist hair style.

LEM (looking up at PHIL): You look absolutely ridiculous.

PHIL: Well, you better just get used to it because this is the real me.

LEM (scoffs): The real you.

PHIL: I found it hard to believe at first myself, but this is who I am. It must be. Everything we do here is evil. Evil, evil, evil. I have the brains to work anywhere I wish, and yet, where do I work?

LEM: You work here.

PHIL: Exactly. And why do I work here?

LEM: Let me guess. It’s because you’re evil.

PHIL: Exactly. You should stop living in denial. It is so liberating.

LEM: You know, the first time Ted sees you like that he’s going to send you to the lavatory to comb it all back down.

PHIL: And I won’t go. (Makes muted, inhibited maniacal laugh).

LEM: Yes you will. And you really need to work on that evil laugh.

PHIL: I know. I need something with a little more teeth in it.

LEM: Maybe if you were a little less inhibited and maybe if you were, oh yes, evil.

PHIL: For your sake, I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. By the way, can I call you Igor?

LEM: No you may not. I’m not your assistant. We are equals. Besides, I don’t have a hunchback.

PHIL: Fiddlesticks. Maybe Janet will let me call her Igor.

LEM: I doubt it, though I think she may have a hunchback. Let’s go see if anyone has taken the donuts yet.

PHIL: OK.

PHIL and LEM walk across the lab to an enclosure that contains a scale model of a front porch to a house. There are flowers and shrubbery all around the front of the false house and porch. An open box of donuts rests on the ground in front of the door.

LINDA walks into the laboratory.

LINDA: Hey fellas.

LEM and PHIL in concert: Hey Linda.

LINDA looks quizzically at PHIL’s hair.

LEM: Don’t ask.

LINDA: What’s with the hair?

LEM: I said don’t ask. He thinks he’s evil.

PHIL: I have to embrace who I am.

LINDA: OK, so what’s the evil new project you’re working on today?

LEM: It is decidedly not evil. It’s the Homegrown Home Security System. Once we get the bugs worked out, it will help protect families from any of a number of types of home invasions.

PHIL: If that’s what you need to believe to soothe your conscience.

LEM: The problem with the last design was it showed no discrimination. Pretty much tried to kill everything that came within range. But I think we’ve got the problem sorted out.

LINDA: You think you do?

LEM: Well, we’re not quite sure yet. Everyone’s too afraid to go in the enclosure and test it.

PHIL: By the way, Linda. Would you like a donut? Just help yourself.

LEM: Don’t go in there.

PHIL: Sorry. (points to himself) Evil.

LEM: You are not.

PHIL: Who’s idea was it to put the donuts in the enclosure to lure in unsuspecting test subjects? Hmm? That’s right. Me.

LEM: You know we only let you put those in there because no one ever comes down here who is stupid enough to fall for that. Well, except for the mail boy.

PHIL: And quite frankly, we don’t like him very much. Lem thinks he’s stolen his identity.

LEM nods.

LINDA (rolling her eyes): Why would anyone want to steal…. Ok, fellas. Enough of the customary small talk. What I need from you two is the cure for the permanent makeup.

LEM: Sorry, Linda. No can do.

PHIL: Veronica called a few minutes ago to tell us that the budget for the antidote has been cut. But the good news is she gave us more money for the Homegrown Home Security System.

LINDA: There’s got to be something you can do guys. Don’t you at least have some sort of prototype?

LEM: I’m sorry, but no.

PHIL: Our priority was to get the product working, so we’ve got nothing. We never even started on the antidote.

LINDA: I don’t think you understand the gravity of my need. You really do need to make me a cure.

LEM: Maybe if you talk to Ted he could find some funding.

LINDA (growling with exasperation and leaning in menacingly toward the scientists. The scientist back away from her toward the glass enclosure, scared.): If one more person tells me to talk to Ted I’m going to rip off the top of their skull and punch them in the brain. I’m not talking to Ted! I’m talking to you! And here’s what you are going to do! You are going to get into that laboratory of yours with all of your test tubes and your beakers and your geeky electrical zappy thingies, and you’re going to whip me up an antidote!

(Suddenly the plants in the enclosure rise up and whip about violently against the glass trying to get at Linda)

LEM (gleefully): Look! It’s working!

PHIL: It perceived Linda as a threat to us and it is trying to eliminate her. Good work, my minions.

LEM: Just like we predicted.

PHIL: Yay! Hey Linda, pretend to be a homicidal rapist.

LINDA: (She rips open her blouse to expose her torso). Look at me! You did this to me.

(The plants retract suddenly. PHIL and LEM cower from the sight. Then PHIL regains his composure quickly)

PHIL: OMGosh. Oh, I mean… (raises his hand with a muted, inhibited maniacal laugh): Just as I planned. (pointing to himself) Still evil.

LEM: You’re not fooling anybody.

LINDA: Fix me! Now!

LEM: I’m sorry, Linda. As scary as you are right now, Veronica is still much, much scarier.

PHIL (nods head): I’m sorry, we can’t help you. Wait a minute. (reaches into wallet and pulls out business card). Here’s a woman that helps with my wife’s hair issues. She’s very good. Only, never mention this to my wife. She doesn’t like it when I talk about her. Or to her.

LEM: But, I couldn’t help to realize that in your current condition you may no longer be, how shall I say this, out of my league, and I was wondering… well…tonight is mother’s bridge night, so I’ll have the place to myself, and I could heat you up a can of ravioli and then maybe we could have a little role play.

LINDA (screws up her face in disgust): Sexual roleplay?

LEM: Well, I was thinking Dungeons and Dragons, but your idea sounds like a lot more fun. You can still be the Elven princess.

LINDA: Ew! I hate coming down here. I can’t take any more of this full frontal nerdity.

PHIL (covering his head with his hands): Please don’t rip off my skull, but you really should talk to Ted.

LINDA (screams and storms out)

PHIL: Maybe we could call the daycare and they can have a field trip to the lab. Little children love donuts.

LEM: You’re still not evil.

Fade in.

For the conclusion, see Uncle Sid’s Guide to Homeschool Your Hellions.  It’s in there somewhere.

[Not cross posted at Nuking Politics since parts of the series may violate Keln’s ‘its not safe for grandma’ policy]