In a move sure to spark broad controversy amid academics and historians across the nation, Berkeley’s History Department Chair has assigned new races to a number of America’s Founding Fathers in an effort to meet Berkeley’s new diversity goals for its history department.

Berkeley’s History Department Chair, Peter Zinoman, said that the new goals, while “challenging”, were also “long overdue”.

“Well, we’ve been in need of a diversity overhaul for a long time in the History Department.” said Zinoman, “Frankly, if we were any whiter, we’d have our own hockey team. And it doesn’t help that all the movers and shakers we study are white, too. It’s not their fault, though. After all, people of color were oppressed and subjugated, so they weren’t really given an opportunity to shape world events. I mean, we’ve tried to compensate by making up things like ‘Black History’, but the ‘accomplishments’ we’re forced to celebrate are just kinda C+ on the grading scale of history. Let’s face it – no matter how much you’d love a big minority score in the historical significance column, Christopher Columbus just wasn’t black.”

A sly grin spread over Zinoman’s face as he continued, eyes a-twinkle, “Or WAS he?”

“We live in a new modern age, and things aren’t always how they appear on the surface. Elizabeth Warren’s a Native American. Rachel Dolezal is an African-American. And these are both girls who would’ve been kicked out of ABBA for being too white. Race is a fluid construct, subject to the desires of the individual. But what about when the individual is dead? Who has the right to declare the deceased’s race? Well, I say it’s to each according to his need. And brother, I need to find someone interesting to be the subject of Berkeley’s history courses. And since the Founding Fathers are there, and too dead to object, I took some liberties with the guardians of liberty.”

American History professor at Berkeley, Ned Brainard, explained some of the changes that have come to his course curriculum under the new edict.

“Well,” said Brainard, “we’re leaving some of the Declaration signers white, like Button Gwinnett and Elbridge Gerry – you know, the ones that no one has heard of or cares about. But some of the guys who actually did important stuff are getting their pigmentation upgraded. Patrick Henry – not only is he black now, but his ‘give me liberty or give me death’ speech has been tweaked into a rap song. Washington… well that’s kind of a black name these days, anyway, so not much of a stretch. Ben Franklin – he had that long hair, so we just photoshopped it into braids and call him Flies-Kite-In-Lightning. So, it’s an Elizabeth Warren situation: might be called Native American, but will never be called President.”

Asked to predict the future of Berkeley’s retroactive affirmative action program, Brainard was “cautiously optimistic.”

“I think the important thing is that the students will be able to feel really good about themselves, now that they can study American history without needing a safe-space break. Their feelings pay my salary. Which is a good thing. If it were their earnings potential, I’d be getting paid in McDonald’s gift cards.”

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